Yes, I’m aware about the most recent edition of the wankstorm.
(cut for those of you who want to stay out of it)
No, I did not start it on purpose. Actually, I was incredibly happy that it seemed for a while that everyone had said their piece and was doing well in their lives. I felt like there was, if not maybe (I don’t know if there ever completely can be) closure, at least detente. I responded, unwisely and uncautiously, to someone who was just trying to provoke anger and hurt, and I empowered them to do so beyond their wildest dreams.
In the course of my answer, I said that the most disastrous relationship of my life got sexual when I was 17. Other shit that was going on in my life at the time sure as fuck seemed to line up with 17 from this end. I’ve been saying it that way for years without any wank coming of it. Other people are saying 18. Frankly, I wouldn’t swear to it in a court of law either way because that whole 16-25 time, there are literally MONTHS at a stretch I don’t remember at all (and I had been fairly heavily sexually active - which was NOT a good thing - since I was 14, so we’re not talking about remembering losing my virginity here).
NO, I was NOT trying to make some sneaky technicality accusation of “omg underage” to paint someone as a child molester. The point of that answer was that I wasn’t an adult taking advantage of a kid and that actually, my partner was the older one by far, and I should have just phrased it that way or ignored it completely. I’m willing to concede the exact technicality of the age as I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. At the time, I answered the ask as one of the many many many I get every day and moved on, thinking nothing of it.
Next thing I know, there’s shit flying everywhere. At no time did I ask anyone to post anything on my behalf, nor to defend me. Everyone posting was doing so wholly of their own accord and for their own reasons. I stayed, actually, as completely out of it as I could. I’m saddened by some of the behavior I’ve seen on both sides, and others has given me hope for human decency even under extreme disagreement, but that’s not the point either.
The reason I’m posting this now is that it has been brought to my attention that at least one of the people who was most hurt in all this believes that I deliberately caused it as a horrible response to recent positive developments in their life. That, to quote GoT, “A day will come when you think you’re safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”
And while I don’t think of this person as my worst enemy or really any kind of enemy at all, so it wouldn’t be fair to use that cliche, I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I understand why they would feel that way. I’ve felt that way too, a lot of the time. It is a horrible, horrible way to feel, and it sucks the joy out of all your best moments as you wait for the world to drop out from under you. The notification of a message becomes something that freezes your heart, you feel sick all the time, your skin feels too tight, you dream about it. I understand that it’s pretty much entirely my fault that they feel this way, and that one of the long-lasting repercussions of the incredibly fucked up mess I put them through was the feeling that no matter what they do or don’t do, that any minute, everything can go to hell. I am so, so, so sorry that this penguin got poked. I hate that they’re hurting right now, I would do anything to give them back their joy in your recent life’s accomplishments for the last few days, and I feel it’s very, very important to do anything I can to maybe give them back a sliver of a sense of security in saying NO, I did NOT set this off as any form of attack on anyone.
To anyone who is “on my side” and willing to listen to me: you are totally within your rights to make your own decisions for things concerning you, but if it’s “in my name,” please, consider this a public declaration of cease fire. Never again, ok? As far as I’m concerned, whatever the fuck people want to say about me, if it’s not about you, let them say it. I’ll fight my own battles or I’ll choose not to fight them.
I have since made the public choice and statement that I will no longer be answering ANY Anons about the wank situation, and I will be answering named requests privately. This is to maintain a middle ground where hopefully I can still address legitimate questions and concerns while not giving assholes the power to come and kick old wounds and start new fires whenever they get bored. If you are someone who feels like they have actually been hurt by me (rather than an “interested bystander”) and there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
I know that my promises mean shit to the people I’ve hurt before, and that’s entirely fair and entirely their right. But for what it’s worth to ANYONE, I will NEVER deliberately stir wank, I will NEVER use anyone else to fight my battles for me - though if you go to THEM or say shit about THEM, they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want and I won’t stop them - and if you walk away and say you want to be done, I will NEVER pursue. I have NEVER contacted, Anon or otherwise - including through third parties - anyone who has told me to leave them alone. I want this to be over, as it should have been seven years ago when we actually split up. I want people to heal. I want lives to move on. I don’t want to re-hurt anyone, and I want the people I’ve hurt to be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry that this happened, sorry for the pain it’s caused all concerned, for old pain that it’s resurfaced, and for anything I could have done differently. Posted 1 year ago 7 notes Tagged: wank.
"Apology" to Abbey after the underage wank
Yes, I’m aware about the most recent edition of the wankstorm.
(cut for those of you who want to stay out of it)
No, I did not start it on purpose. Actually, I was incredibly happy that it seemed for a while that everyone had said their piece and was doing well in their lives. I felt like there was, if not maybe (I don’t know if there ever completely can be) closure, at least detente. I responded, unwisely and uncautiously, to someone who was just trying to provoke anger and hurt, and I empowered them to do so beyond their wildest dreams.
In the course of my answer, I said that the most disastrous relationship of my life got sexual when I was 17. Other shit that was going on in my life at the time sure as fuck seemed to line up with 17 from this end. I’ve been saying it that way for years without any wank coming of it. Other people are saying 18. Frankly, I wouldn’t swear to it in a court of law either way because that whole 16-25 time, there are literally MONTHS at a stretch I don’t remember at all (and I had been fairly heavily sexually active - which was NOT a good thing - since I was 14, so we’re not talking about remembering losing my virginity here).
NO, I was NOT trying to make some sneaky technicality accusation of “omg underage” to paint someone as a child molester. The point of that answer was that I wasn’t an adult taking advantage of a kid and that actually, my partner was the older one by far, and I should have just phrased it that way or ignored it completely. I’m willing to concede the exact technicality of the age as I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. At the time, I answered the ask as one of the many many many I get every day and moved on, thinking nothing of it.
Next thing I know, there’s shit flying everywhere. At no time did I ask anyone to post anything on my behalf, nor to defend me. Everyone posting was doing so wholly of their own accord and for their own reasons. I stayed, actually, as completely out of it as I could. I’m saddened by some of the behavior I’ve seen on both sides, and others has given me hope for human decency even under extreme disagreement, but that’s not the point either.
The reason I’m posting this now is that it has been brought to my attention that at least one of the people who was most hurt in all this believes that I deliberately caused it as a horrible response to recent positive developments in their life. That, to quote GoT, “A day will come when you think you’re safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”
And while I don’t think of this person as my worst enemy or really any kind of enemy at all, so it wouldn’t be fair to use that cliche, I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I understand why they would feel that way. I’ve felt that way too, a lot of the time. It is a horrible, horrible way to feel, and it sucks the joy out of all your best moments as you wait for the world to drop out from under you. The notification of a message becomes something that freezes your heart, you feel sick all the time, your skin feels too tight, you dream about it. I understand that it’s pretty much entirely my fault that they feel this way, and that one of the long-lasting repercussions of the incredibly fucked up mess I put them through was the feeling that no matter what they do or don’t do, that any minute, everything can go to hell. I am so, so, so sorry that this penguin got poked. I hate that they’re hurting right now, I would do anything to give them back their joy in your recent life’s accomplishments for the last few days, and I feel it’s very, very important to do anything I can to maybe give them back a sliver of a sense of security in saying NO, I did NOT set this off as any form of attack on anyone.
To anyone who is “on my side” and willing to listen to me: you are totally within your rights to make your own decisions for things concerning you, but if it’s “in my name,” please, consider this a public declaration of cease fire. Never again, ok? As far as I’m concerned, whatever the fuck people want to say about me, if it’s not about you, let them say it. I’ll fight my own battles or I’ll choose not to fight them.
I have since made the public choice and statement that I will no longer be answering ANY Anons about the wank situation, and I will be answering named requests privately. This is to maintain a middle ground where hopefully I can still address legitimate questions and concerns while not giving assholes the power to come and kick old wounds and start new fires whenever they get bored. If you are someone who feels like they have actually been hurt by me (rather than an “interested bystander”) and there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
I know that my promises mean shit to the people I’ve hurt before, and that’s entirely fair and entirely their right. But for what it’s worth to ANYONE, I will NEVER deliberately stir wank, I will NEVER use anyone else to fight my battles for me - though if you go to THEM or say shit about THEM, they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want and I won’t stop them - and if you walk away and say you want to be done, I will NEVER pursue. I have NEVER contacted, Anon or otherwise - including through third parties - anyone who has told me to leave them alone. I want this to be over, as it should have been seven years ago when we actually split up. I want people to heal. I want lives to move on. I don’t want to re-hurt anyone, and I want the people I’ve hurt to be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry that this happened, sorry for the pain it’s caused all concerned, for old pain that it’s resurfaced, and for anything I could have done differently.
Posted 1 year ago
7 notes
Tagged: wank.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/81306105451/not-me-not-in-my-name-and-im-so-sorry