For all your Andy-related info-dumping needs. If there's information you'd like to archive, please post it here, and feel free to link to it from the main post if you'd like to discuss it.
Andy also claims (in the old version) not have had a "full hallucination" since the middle of November in 2012, by my estimation. This contradicts his claim that he both saw and heard Neville Longbottom in his room in April 2013: http://tf-talk.dreamwidth.org/600.html?thread=452440#cmt452440
6. So you’re crazy? Yep. Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder combined with ADD, PTSD, and situational depression. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled with therapy and medication as I work towards active recovery. So far, I haven’t had a dissociative incident or full hallucination in 20 months and counting (as of July 2014).
Current version:
6. So you’re crazy?
yep. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled as I work towards active recovery.
Do you really have a cult, like that tumblr post says that's going around?
Yes, I did, though not on purpose and not any more.
From about age 16 to just under two years ago, I was, bluntly, batfuck crazy. It’s been diagnosed as a form of paranoid schizophrenia closely related to DID (which my psychiatrist thinks in and of itself is a schizoid disorder) and is responding very, very well to medication and treatment. As a result, I believed several things completely and sincerely that were snarky rhino-fisting Jesus on a ham sandwich WRONG. I have discussed some of them before to a lesser extent or alluded to them, but this is the most open I’ve ever been about it in public because, simply, I’m incredibly fucking ashamed of it and it all looks so much worse laid out on paper that I still can’t quite believe that this was ever my unquestioned normal as much and as I thought inevitably and inescapably as breathing (and unfortunately, this is not a full list of my delusions and hallucinations, just the ones relevant to my fucked up friend patterns):
Multiverse theory that included not only levels of existence where all possible histories were true, but where all fictional universes were true, and that certain very special and important stories could be communicated to our world from the world in which they were true That I could hear, contact, and channel the spirits of beings and people from these parallel dimensions, fictional characters, as well as certain people - living and dead - on our own dimension That I was sometimes telepathic and would just know what other people were thinking That I was sometimes pre or post-cognitive That I was sometimes given knowledge without knowing where it came from, downloaded into my head like the Matrix That these gifts had been given to me by God with a solemn duty to tell the stories that He had decided needed to be told, to allow these other beings to live and experience our universe through me - especially those who had died young or unjustly - and to try to help as many people as possible. That this was part of a divine higher plan or purpose for which I had been chosen by God That the US government and/or various terrorist organizations knew about my abilities and wanted to capture me and perform awful experiments
Are any of these things true? Fuck no. Did I believe them? Oh God yes, to the point where I literally put my life and the lives of others on the line for and because of them more than once. I believe the only reason that things didn’t go much worse is that there is some kind of merciful diety who recognized no ill intent. (Oh, and just to make things more interesting, absolutely zero ability to differentiate fantasies and created memories or scenarios from reality and real memories. We’re still sorting that out…my therapy sessions sound like Peeta Mellark pretty often and I’ve come to the difficult conclusion that at least for the time being, I literally cannot trust ANYTHING I remember from certain parts of my life unless it’s corroborated by an outside source or completely insignificant. )
That’s not to say harm wasn’t done. A LOT of harm was done. As you can imagine, this was NOT A HEALTHY COMBINATION for me or anyone else around me. That I was crazy was what lead to the situation where I did the things I did to my friends and loved ones, but it does not absolve me of doing it nor make it in any way ok. I DID REALLY FUCKED UP THINGS. I’m still untangling all of them, and I’m still struggling even to contact some of the people I’ve hurt because sometimes God, where do you even start and how do you say “sorry I completely took reality up the ass and you with it but I never meant to hurt you and I really love you as a friend.” Whether or not Sam thought he was ganking demons in 5.02, he murdered two innocent non-possessed kids in a convenience store, and that he thought he had no choice doesn’t make them less dead or him any less the one who did it.
If you look at the list above, you might be able to already understand how exactly it went wrong and why so many people describe it as a cult environment, but I want to break it down to demonstrate that yes, I do actually understand what I did wrong and how I’m preventing it from happening in the present and future. This has been a long and difficult process and continues to be ongoing, sorting out pathology (hallucinations and fixed delusions), maladaptive thought patterns and habits from said pathology (some of the paranoias and the excessive people-pleasing and self-hatred to make up for how much I knew I was costing them), things that are just plain shitty tendencies of mine (micromanaging and the world’s worst time management, for example), and things that are actual good qualities of mine that got corrupted and spat on by the crazy (writing talent, leadership, desire to help people, charisma). Maybe it can even help someone who may recognize some of these behaviors in a relationship or friendship they’re in (or even in themselves), and of course, if anyone who knows me currently sees me doing any of these things, PLEASE let me know immediately so that I can get help, but more importantly stop doing it!
The Chosen Few What I did then: I was constantly evaluating new people for whether they were suitable to let into the inner circle of those who knew about my superpowers and could share the burden of managing them. People weren’t assessed as friends, but as potential team members, and it was deeply impressed upon them what a tremendously important and above all SECRET task it was, with huge emotional weight placed on being part of that group. Leaving was a huge fucking deal. It all revolved around me and whatever plan I had going on, and it was expected to be the most important thing in their lives or at least be worth dropping anything else if they were needed. Why it was wrong: Regardless of my intention, it was fucking predatory. In picking out people who would believe me and keep my secrets, I was actually targeting people who would be most willing to enter a completely fucked up situation and stay there because the person at the center of it was charismatic and showered them with genuine love…to make up for otherwise being a sucking life-ruining black hole of crazy. And then it was just our little family against the world and anything that anyone said could be dismissed because they clearly didn’t Understand what it was like on the Inside. What I’m doing differently: “The Posse” unlike previous groups, is not a tight-knit, secretive, or exclusive band. It’s a casual term for about 20-30ish local fannish people who all like to sometimes get together and do stuff, with an elaborate venn diagram of overlapping interests and fandoms. It’s not all about any one person, one thing, no one has to believe anything, people wander in and out for sometimes months at a time, anyone can add to the group, you’re posse just by saying you are. While yes, I have some closer friends, I am doing everything possible to keep the relationships as open and autonomous as possible. I am not pursuing some special magical hyper-friendship soulbond; just having NORMAL FRIENDS is fucking GREAT!
Constants and Watchers What I did then - When I was receiving messages from other dimensions or channeling spirits/characters, I often had extended blackouts or periods of memory loss. Rather than taking this as the massive fucking warning sign it was, I recruited friends to act as aids. One of them had to be with me at all times, practically 24/7/365 in case I “had a knock” and they were responsible for supervising the episode and then letting me know exactly what happened. Why it was wrong - I basically turned completely untrained friends into the full time care team for a dangerously unstable hallucinating individual. “Others” could be violent, distraught, disoriented, and were almost completely unpredictable, sometimes putting my friends into dangerous, stressful, and just plain uncomfortable situations that they felt fully responsible for not only managing, but hiding from those who didn’t know “what I was” and reporting back to me when it ended minutes…or hours…or days later. What I’m doing differently - Thank pharmaceuticals this doesn’t happen any more. If it did, however, I understand that it is under no circumstances something that is in any way right to put on laymen…especially if they think it’s real! Therefore I’ve made sure that my friends know if I start acting strangely or don’t seem to think I’m myself, they need to just keep me safe long enough to get ahold of my parents and/or call for professional help, NOT supervise it, guide it, or make friends with it.
Center of the Universe What I did then - Friendships were all-consuming. I would drop my life completely to go be with someone. Living together as a group was the ideal - we came as close to communes as we could and aspired to a lifestyle that had minimum outside contact. Everything revolved around me, my powers, what “The Others” were doing/needed, what messages were coming in, and what the latest project was. Family, jobs, money, material goods, health, time, relationships etc. were all expected to be set aside or offered up to pursue the greater goals, and if you balked, clearly you didn’t care about the current emergency or cause and what was wrong with you, this was God’s plan to help the world. Why it was wrong: I was completely consuming other people’s lives and resources. I thought it was ok because I had given up just as much of my own, but I missed the memo that I had the right to give up MY things for MY crazy, not to compel other people to give up theirs. There was just nothing, nothing remotely ok about this. What I’m doing differently: I backslid on this one during GISHWHES big time when I accidentally went off my meds, I’ll say that right now. For the most part, though, I think I’m doing really well at not only accepting that all my friends have their own lives and boundaries and that’s ok, but encouraging it. When I thought one of my friends was getting too wrapped up with me, I gave her an ultimatum that if she didn’t start doing more things away from me and cultivate more of a separate life and get therapy specifically addressing her thing for me, we wouldn’t be able to hang out at all.
The Secret of 42 What I did then - I believed I understood All The Things. Whether it was the truth behind historical events, deep religious and philosophical questions, human behavior, complex sociology, conspiracy theories, complex economics, or celebrity tinhatting, I knew The Truth They Don’t Want You To Know. Why it was wrong - I’m smart. I’m damned smart. Ain’t nobody that smart. If someone is telling you they know all the secrets to the big damned thing, they’re either bullshitting you or their brain is bullshitting them. It’s not true in popup ads and it’s not true in life. What I’m doing differently - There are things I’m good at, such as cooking, cosplay, living cheap, some kinds of art, storycraft, a lot of school of hard knocks common sense. Those are things I can quantify and teach from my own experience. However, I’m making very sure to state when something is my opinion, experience, or theory rather than just presenting everything I think as fact, and to make very clear where the limits of my actual expertise are and aren’t, as well as to admit when I just don’t fucking know.
Rescue Ranger What I did then - I had a saving people thing that would have made Harry Potter queasy. If someone was in trouble, I had to swoop in and fix it, which usually meant drawing them in close under my protective wing…and right into the crazy soup. Why it was wrong - Unsurprisingly, people who are notably not ok are also more likely to be grateful to be part of a small, special group of people who are willing to do anything for each other, value having a Big Higher Purpose, be willing to believe in magic and miracles, and otherwise be extremely vulnerable to cults and cult-like things. Also unsurprisingly, getting involved in something like that when you’re already fucked up only makes it worse, no matter how good the intentions of helping. All I wanted was to make people better. Every so often, I did. More often - and once would have been too many times - I hurt them worse. What I’m doing differently - I am not a trained therapist, social worker, police officer, or doctor. If you’re in trouble, I will listen, offer you my best advice (which is actually, now that I’m medicated and it’s coming from ME, not my superpowers, sometimes pretty decent or at least hard-won, but I always make sure it’s properly disclaimered) and help you get in touch with professional resources that are actually equipped to solve your problem. Further world and people-saving impulses are channeled through structured activities by established charities like Random Acts.
Inside Man What I did then - - I believed that I had secret insider knowledge of all sorts of things, especially medicine, government, the military, the legal field, and entertainment industry. Often this came from Others who were in those fields. I would act accordingly, even so far as to perform minor surgery, prescribe medication and courses of treatment, create legal documents, etc. It also lead me to believe I had special relationships with celebrities and to behave inappropriately towards them. Why it was wrong - Once, I tried to use my “insider knowledge” of the entertainment industry to try to plan a full-scale convention the size of Vegas Con with just a half dozen other people who had never done any such thing, six months, and a budget of a few hundred dollars. Needless to say, it went so badly it’s still notorious over ten years later…but the money and face lost with that was relatively minor considering. I endangered people’s health, finances, legal standings, careers, schooling, and basically everything else thinking I knew shit I didn’t fucking know. What I’m doing differently - There is a reason that I say over and over and over again on all of my meta that I don’t work for SPN or write for any other TV show or have anything to do with that industry. I am extremely consciencious now of where my actual expertise stands, and to keep my experting within those fields. If I can’t prove why I know the thing, I don’t care if I think I know it, I know I don’t know it. I also make sure to check my behavior with and around celebrities and follow outside cues for the boundaries THEY set while reminding myself that I have no more status with them than any other fan in the same situation.
Story Time What I did then - I believed that my stories and the lives of the Others were of tremendous, even sacred importance. It was my duty and mission to make sure they were told, and the only way in some cases to guide the course of events (for the scenarios that were interactive) and/or put their spirits to rest (for those that had ‘already happened’). Why it was wrong - I was prioritizing what were effectively role-playing-games-that-didn’t-know-it and elaborate fic writing and world building over actual life, and what’s worse, I thought it was real, treated it as real, and persuaded others to do the same. I had people call out sick to work to help me defeat enemies that only existed in my head because at one point I literally thought that we were going back in time and stopping Hitler. That’s not ok. What I’m doing differently - Extradiegesis is my new best friend. I have come to understand that my stories are my stories, my characters are my characters. I created them, I didn’t summon them from another realm, and I HAVE CONTROL. If they don’t get written, not a damned thing happens, and it’s never, never ok to put writing fiction for a hobby ahead of any real person.
Secret Keepers What I did then - There was a tremendous, tremendous pressure to keep my abilities and everything related to them secret. If I was found out, it was made very clear that whomever had been responsible for the breach would be responsible for whatever happened to me, whether I had to disappear and go on the run so that They didn’t get me, whether I had to kill myself rather than fall into Their hands, or whether They actually managed to capture me after all…and all the subsequent torture, imprisonment, and other sundry horrors, including of course what would happen to all those other worlds and people and to the rest of the inner circle if I were no longer able to “help.” Why it was wrong - This placed a horrific burden of guilt that prevented people from acting on what would have been otherwise extremely smart instincts to GTFO, as well as creating a massively high stakes Us Vs Them situation, requiring them to lie, and requiring them to isolate the truth of how they were living from family and other friends, eventually alienating them. It also fostered a tremendous mistrust of authority figures, especially police, social workers, doctors, and mental health workers…the very people they should have been running to. What I’m doing differently - Hell yes I still have some secrets with some people whom I really trust. It’s called privacy, and that’s ok and healthy. What I don’t have are catastrophic sword of Damocles arrangements, I don’t expect anyone to live a lie for me or to help me perpetrate same, and I understand that if someone betrays my trust…life will go on, even if it will hurt.
Apocalypse Now What I did then - Everything was always endgame, high stakes, the big one. Something on some plane of reality was always in a state of crisis, and if things seemed ok, it was an indicator that something was about to hit the fan. This made it impossible to plan anything well, and we were always in crisis mode and playing catch up. Insomnia was a fact of existence when my brain was running away with itself, and I would sometimes sleep as little as 21 hours in a week. Why it was wrong - Without even meaning to, I was literally creating brainwashing conditions for the poor bastards who were trying to be my watchers. Constant stress, absolutely no set schedule, sleep deprevation…and of course, anything at any time could be overridden by an emergency, so if you were looking forward to something important, flip a coin whether you’ll actually get to do it. What I’m doing differently - Other than of course, the tremendous relief of being alone in my head and on only one plane of reality, I am working very hard to keep a sense of perspective. This is something else I backslid on during GISHWHES. Fandom should be fun. It’s not the end of the world, it’s ok if things go wrong…but things are almost never actually a crisis and should not be treated as such.
Zardoz has spoken What I did then - I would act on things that the Others had told me, what they told other people, or that I had read in peoples minds, seen in the future, or simply “knew.” Why it was wrong - Because all of that was complete bullshit with a healthy dose of paranoia. I don’t know where they are now - I know that at least one of them is, sadly, passed away, though I’m making the gesture anyway to make it known to anyone who cares that I am taking responsibility - but if this somehow gets around to any of them: Jason R, Gabriel A, Kyrie A, Cherie D, Leah B, Kaitlin A, and Amber B, I severed our friendships, shamed you to others, and accused you of awful things based on what I now know to be hallucinations, and if you see this and choose to contact me, I want to apologize fully. I also owe apologies to the parents of Amanda K, Kaitlin A, and Kristin N among others, for having made completely unfair judgements of their families that had awful consequences for their relationships. What I’m doing differently - If I did not see it my damned self on this plane of reality or the person did not directly tell me about it without prompting or leading questions, I’m not acting on it. If I’m going to cut you off as a friend, it’ll be for what you did to me, not what some supernatural entity says you did to them on another plane of reality.
Do You Remember When What I did then - Because I have an exceptional memory for certain kinds of data, I assumed that my memory was flawless on all things, and I related memories as facts. If something or someone else contradicted me, I declared them mistaken or lying. Why it was wrong: Because I have a massive problem with differentiating created and real memories, I was often recounting inaccurate information…on top of the perfectly normal iffiness of memory which I never alloted for. As a result, I not only unfairly reconstructed events to fit what I needed at the moment, but I also wound up gaslighting people who knew they remembered A by insisting fervently that B was true and that they couldn’t trust their memories. What I’m doing differently: Unless I’ve been told the story by a third party or have some outside corroboration, if it’s a long-term event memory, I’m assuming it’s at the very least distorted and weighing whether I use it accordingly. In other words, if my memory of what my grandmother put in macaroni and cheese is inaccurate, no real harm done, so I’ll go ahead and put the peas and tuna in without much investigation. When I remembered a 5th grade friend holding my head under the pool, however, I sought validation from my parents before sharing with others. My default is now that the other person remembers correctly, not that I do.
Master Plan What I did then: I believed that I was executing a divine plan and therefore if I trusted in God and just did my best, everything would work out in the end somehow no matter how much it seemed like things were going wrong and that He would just send the money, people, or whatever were needed to make it happen. Why it was wrong: I failed to learn from mistakes, ignored warning signs that things were going wrong, and skipped important steps or details. This often put us in deep last minute hot water or lead to uneccesary complications, and rather than God, the burden often fell on my friends to bale us out…which I then used as proof that see, it had all been ok in the end. What I’m doing differently: If something isn’t going well, I stop and ask for help and re-assess the situation. If necessary, like with the intended Camp Ouroboros LARP, I quit rather than plow ahead and assume that it will all come together or other people will pick up the slack. While it is ok to leave some details to the last minute, if it’s vital, it needs to not only be known, but have a backup plan.
TL:DR - From about 1999-2011, most (though not all) of my friendships and relationships were tainted or completely consumed by mental illness that caused them to be deeply fucked up and damaging affairs that revolved around my special secret superpowers and the people who “helped me live with them.” Now, all my friendships and relationships revolve around shared interests and activities in the real world that are based on healthy third party parameters with a strong awareness of extradiegesis. In other words, we hang out and watch and talk about TV shows, make stuff, and sometimes go out and do fun things like anyone else. It’s not special, it’s not saving the world (any more than Random Acts, volunteer work, etc)…and I wouldn’t trade it for all the superpowers I ever thought I had.
I also need to acknowledge and thank my parents, Mike and Cyd, for still loving me, taking me back again and again, forgiving me too many times for too many things, and getting me help (and paying for it until I could get insurance and being understanding of all the disaster that recovery can be), Karen for sticking by me but never enabling, Brittany for first showing me that I needed help, Laura, Kristin, and Ed for the intervention and making me start getting it, my care team, Dr’s T, K, J, C, and G, Meg (wings-andgrace), Chris, and Jenn for being the first friends I had to whom I confessed everything and for not walking away when I did, the posse for teaching me what a fucking phenomenally abnosome thing “just friendship” really can be, Misha Collins for giving me hope that I can still be abnosome and brash and eccentric and creative and a leader who wants to help all the people and change all the things, Osric Chau for pinning me down and making me face what I was giving up because of fear of Them finding out how crazy crazy really was and what awful things I’d done, and last but oh so not least, a certain angel for giving me the courage to believe I can openly say just how fucked up I was and still be worth loving as I am now.
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"Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's FAQ
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:15 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/91220644372/faq-about-that-thing-you-heard-about-me
Version as of July 18, 2014:
6. So you’re crazy?
Yep. Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder combined with ADD, PTSD, and situational depression. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled with therapy and medication as I work towards active recovery. So far, I haven’t had a dissociative incident or full hallucination in 20 months and counting (as of July 2014).
Current version:
6. So you’re crazy?
yep. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled as I work towards active recovery.
Re: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:21 pm (UTC)(link)http://i.imgur.com/fXRdNis.png
Re: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:46 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/86490759067/do-you-really-have-a-cult-like-that-tumblr-post
Do you really have a cult, like that tumblr post says that's going around?
Yes, I did, though not on purpose and not any more.
From about age 16 to just under two years ago, I was, bluntly, batfuck crazy. It’s been diagnosed as a form of paranoid schizophrenia closely related to DID (which my psychiatrist thinks in and of itself is a schizoid disorder) and is responding very, very well to medication and treatment. As a result, I believed several things completely and sincerely that were snarky rhino-fisting Jesus on a ham sandwich WRONG. I have discussed some of them before to a lesser extent or alluded to them, but this is the most open I’ve ever been about it in public because, simply, I’m incredibly fucking ashamed of it and it all looks so much worse laid out on paper that I still can’t quite believe that this was ever my unquestioned normal as much and as I thought inevitably and inescapably as breathing (and unfortunately, this is not a full list of my delusions and hallucinations, just the ones relevant to my fucked up friend patterns):
Multiverse theory that included not only levels of existence where all possible histories were true, but where all fictional universes were true, and that certain very special and important stories could be communicated to our world from the world in which they were true
That I could hear, contact, and channel the spirits of beings and people from these parallel dimensions, fictional characters, as well as certain people - living and dead - on our own dimension
That I was sometimes telepathic and would just know what other people were thinking
That I was sometimes pre or post-cognitive
That I was sometimes given knowledge without knowing where it came from, downloaded into my head like the Matrix
That these gifts had been given to me by God with a solemn duty to tell the stories that He had decided needed to be told, to allow these other beings to live and experience our universe through me - especially those who had died young or unjustly - and to try to help as many people as possible.
That this was part of a divine higher plan or purpose for which I had been chosen by God
That the US government and/or various terrorist organizations knew about my abilities and wanted to capture me and perform awful experiments
Are any of these things true? Fuck no. Did I believe them? Oh God yes, to the point where I literally put my life and the lives of others on the line for and because of them more than once. I believe the only reason that things didn’t go much worse is that there is some kind of merciful diety who recognized no ill intent. (Oh, and just to make things more interesting, absolutely zero ability to differentiate fantasies and created memories or scenarios from reality and real memories. We’re still sorting that out…my therapy sessions sound like Peeta Mellark pretty often and I’ve come to the difficult conclusion that at least for the time being, I literally cannot trust ANYTHING I remember from certain parts of my life unless it’s corroborated by an outside source or completely insignificant. )
That’s not to say harm wasn’t done. A LOT of harm was done. As you can imagine, this was NOT A HEALTHY COMBINATION for me or anyone else around me. That I was crazy was what lead to the situation where I did the things I did to my friends and loved ones, but it does not absolve me of doing it nor make it in any way ok. I DID REALLY FUCKED UP THINGS. I’m still untangling all of them, and I’m still struggling even to contact some of the people I’ve hurt because sometimes God, where do you even start and how do you say “sorry I completely took reality up the ass and you with it but I never meant to hurt you and I really love you as a friend.” Whether or not Sam thought he was ganking demons in 5.02, he murdered two innocent non-possessed kids in a convenience store, and that he thought he had no choice doesn’t make them less dead or him any less the one who did it.
If you look at the list above, you might be able to already understand how exactly it went wrong and why so many people describe it as a cult environment, but I want to break it down to demonstrate that yes, I do actually understand what I did wrong and how I’m preventing it from happening in the present and future. This has been a long and difficult process and continues to be ongoing, sorting out pathology (hallucinations and fixed delusions), maladaptive thought patterns and habits from said pathology (some of the paranoias and the excessive people-pleasing and self-hatred to make up for how much I knew I was costing them), things that are just plain shitty tendencies of mine (micromanaging and the world’s worst time management, for example), and things that are actual good qualities of mine that got corrupted and spat on by the crazy (writing talent, leadership, desire to help people, charisma). Maybe it can even help someone who may recognize some of these behaviors in a relationship or friendship they’re in (or even in themselves), and of course, if anyone who knows me currently sees me doing any of these things, PLEASE let me know immediately so that I can get help, but more importantly stop doing it!
The Chosen Few
What I did then: I was constantly evaluating new people for whether they were suitable to let into the inner circle of those who knew about my superpowers and could share the burden of managing them. People weren’t assessed as friends, but as potential team members, and it was deeply impressed upon them what a tremendously important and above all SECRET task it was, with huge emotional weight placed on being part of that group. Leaving was a huge fucking deal. It all revolved around me and whatever plan I had going on, and it was expected to be the most important thing in their lives or at least be worth dropping anything else if they were needed.
Why it was wrong: Regardless of my intention, it was fucking predatory. In picking out people who would believe me and keep my secrets, I was actually targeting people who would be most willing to enter a completely fucked up situation and stay there because the person at the center of it was charismatic and showered them with genuine love…to make up for otherwise being a sucking life-ruining black hole of crazy. And then it was just our little family against the world and anything that anyone said could be dismissed because they clearly didn’t Understand what it was like on the Inside.
What I’m doing differently: “The Posse” unlike previous groups, is not a tight-knit, secretive, or exclusive band. It’s a casual term for about 20-30ish local fannish people who all like to sometimes get together and do stuff, with an elaborate venn diagram of overlapping interests and fandoms. It’s not all about any one person, one thing, no one has to believe anything, people wander in and out for sometimes months at a time, anyone can add to the group, you’re posse just by saying you are. While yes, I have some closer friends, I am doing everything possible to keep the relationships as open and autonomous as possible. I am not pursuing some special magical hyper-friendship soulbond; just having NORMAL FRIENDS is fucking GREAT!
Constants and Watchers
What I did then - When I was receiving messages from other dimensions or channeling spirits/characters, I often had extended blackouts or periods of memory loss. Rather than taking this as the massive fucking warning sign it was, I recruited friends to act as aids. One of them had to be with me at all times, practically 24/7/365 in case I “had a knock” and they were responsible for supervising the episode and then letting me know exactly what happened.
Why it was wrong - I basically turned completely untrained friends into the full time care team for a dangerously unstable hallucinating individual. “Others” could be violent, distraught, disoriented, and were almost completely unpredictable, sometimes putting my friends into dangerous, stressful, and just plain uncomfortable situations that they felt fully responsible for not only managing, but hiding from those who didn’t know “what I was” and reporting back to me when it ended minutes…or hours…or days later.
What I’m doing differently - Thank pharmaceuticals this doesn’t happen any more. If it did, however, I understand that it is under no circumstances something that is in any way right to put on laymen…especially if they think it’s real! Therefore I’ve made sure that my friends know if I start acting strangely or don’t seem to think I’m myself, they need to just keep me safe long enough to get ahold of my parents and/or call for professional help, NOT supervise it, guide it, or make friends with it.
Center of the Universe
What I did then - Friendships were all-consuming. I would drop my life completely to go be with someone. Living together as a group was the ideal - we came as close to communes as we could and aspired to a lifestyle that had minimum outside contact. Everything revolved around me, my powers, what “The Others” were doing/needed, what messages were coming in, and what the latest project was. Family, jobs, money, material goods, health, time, relationships etc. were all expected to be set aside or offered up to pursue the greater goals, and if you balked, clearly you didn’t care about the current emergency or cause and what was wrong with you, this was God’s plan to help the world.
Why it was wrong: I was completely consuming other people’s lives and resources. I thought it was ok because I had given up just as much of my own, but I missed the memo that I had the right to give up MY things for MY crazy, not to compel other people to give up theirs. There was just nothing, nothing remotely ok about this.
What I’m doing differently: I backslid on this one during GISHWHES big time when I accidentally went off my meds, I’ll say that right now. For the most part, though, I think I’m doing really well at not only accepting that all my friends have their own lives and boundaries and that’s ok, but encouraging it. When I thought one of my friends was getting too wrapped up with me, I gave her an ultimatum that if she didn’t start doing more things away from me and cultivate more of a separate life and get therapy specifically addressing her thing for me, we wouldn’t be able to hang out at all.
The Secret of 42
What I did then - I believed I understood All The Things. Whether it was the truth behind historical events, deep religious and philosophical questions, human behavior, complex sociology, conspiracy theories, complex economics, or celebrity tinhatting, I knew The Truth They Don’t Want You To Know.
Why it was wrong - I’m smart. I’m damned smart. Ain’t nobody that smart. If someone is telling you they know all the secrets to the big damned thing, they’re either bullshitting you or their brain is bullshitting them. It’s not true in popup ads and it’s not true in life.
What I’m doing differently - There are things I’m good at, such as cooking, cosplay, living cheap, some kinds of art, storycraft, a lot of school of hard knocks common sense. Those are things I can quantify and teach from my own experience. However, I’m making very sure to state when something is my opinion, experience, or theory rather than just presenting everything I think as fact, and to make very clear where the limits of my actual expertise are and aren’t, as well as to admit when I just don’t fucking know.
Rescue Ranger
What I did then - I had a saving people thing that would have made Harry Potter queasy. If someone was in trouble, I had to swoop in and fix it, which usually meant drawing them in close under my protective wing…and right into the crazy soup.
Why it was wrong - Unsurprisingly, people who are notably not ok are also more likely to be grateful to be part of a small, special group of people who are willing to do anything for each other, value having a Big Higher Purpose, be willing to believe in magic and miracles, and otherwise be extremely vulnerable to cults and cult-like things. Also unsurprisingly, getting involved in something like that when you’re already fucked up only makes it worse, no matter how good the intentions of helping. All I wanted was to make people better. Every so often, I did. More often - and once would have been too many times - I hurt them worse.
What I’m doing differently - I am not a trained therapist, social worker, police officer, or doctor. If you’re in trouble, I will listen, offer you my best advice (which is actually, now that I’m medicated and it’s coming from ME, not my superpowers, sometimes pretty decent or at least hard-won, but I always make sure it’s properly disclaimered) and help you get in touch with professional resources that are actually equipped to solve your problem. Further world and people-saving impulses are channeled through structured activities by established charities like Random Acts.
Inside Man
What I did then - - I believed that I had secret insider knowledge of all sorts of things, especially medicine, government, the military, the legal field, and entertainment industry. Often this came from Others who were in those fields. I would act accordingly, even so far as to perform minor surgery, prescribe medication and courses of treatment, create legal documents, etc. It also lead me to believe I had special relationships with celebrities and to behave inappropriately towards them.
Why it was wrong - Once, I tried to use my “insider knowledge” of the entertainment industry to try to plan a full-scale convention the size of Vegas Con with just a half dozen other people who had never done any such thing, six months, and a budget of a few hundred dollars. Needless to say, it went so badly it’s still notorious over ten years later…but the money and face lost with that was relatively minor considering. I endangered people’s health, finances, legal standings, careers, schooling, and basically everything else thinking I knew shit I didn’t fucking know.
What I’m doing differently - There is a reason that I say over and over and over again on all of my meta that I don’t work for SPN or write for any other TV show or have anything to do with that industry. I am extremely consciencious now of where my actual expertise stands, and to keep my experting within those fields. If I can’t prove why I know the thing, I don’t care if I think I know it, I know I don’t know it. I also make sure to check my behavior with and around celebrities and follow outside cues for the boundaries THEY set while reminding myself that I have no more status with them than any other fan in the same situation.
(TBC...)
Re: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:46 pm (UTC)(link)Story Time
What I did then - I believed that my stories and the lives of the Others were of tremendous, even sacred importance. It was my duty and mission to make sure they were told, and the only way in some cases to guide the course of events (for the scenarios that were interactive) and/or put their spirits to rest (for those that had ‘already happened’).
Why it was wrong - I was prioritizing what were effectively role-playing-games-that-didn’t-know-it and elaborate fic writing and world building over actual life, and what’s worse, I thought it was real, treated it as real, and persuaded others to do the same. I had people call out sick to work to help me defeat enemies that only existed in my head because at one point I literally thought that we were going back in time and stopping Hitler. That’s not ok.
What I’m doing differently - Extradiegesis is my new best friend. I have come to understand that my stories are my stories, my characters are my characters. I created them, I didn’t summon them from another realm, and I HAVE CONTROL. If they don’t get written, not a damned thing happens, and it’s never, never ok to put writing fiction for a hobby ahead of any real person.
Secret Keepers
What I did then - There was a tremendous, tremendous pressure to keep my abilities and everything related to them secret. If I was found out, it was made very clear that whomever had been responsible for the breach would be responsible for whatever happened to me, whether I had to disappear and go on the run so that They didn’t get me, whether I had to kill myself rather than fall into Their hands, or whether They actually managed to capture me after all…and all the subsequent torture, imprisonment, and other sundry horrors, including of course what would happen to all those other worlds and people and to the rest of the inner circle if I were no longer able to “help.”
Why it was wrong - This placed a horrific burden of guilt that prevented people from acting on what would have been otherwise extremely smart instincts to GTFO, as well as creating a massively high stakes Us Vs Them situation, requiring them to lie, and requiring them to isolate the truth of how they were living from family and other friends, eventually alienating them. It also fostered a tremendous mistrust of authority figures, especially police, social workers, doctors, and mental health workers…the very people they should have been running to.
What I’m doing differently - Hell yes I still have some secrets with some people whom I really trust. It’s called privacy, and that’s ok and healthy. What I don’t have are catastrophic sword of Damocles arrangements, I don’t expect anyone to live a lie for me or to help me perpetrate same, and I understand that if someone betrays my trust…life will go on, even if it will hurt.
Apocalypse Now
What I did then - Everything was always endgame, high stakes, the big one. Something on some plane of reality was always in a state of crisis, and if things seemed ok, it was an indicator that something was about to hit the fan. This made it impossible to plan anything well, and we were always in crisis mode and playing catch up. Insomnia was a fact of existence when my brain was running away with itself, and I would sometimes sleep as little as 21 hours in a week.
Why it was wrong - Without even meaning to, I was literally creating brainwashing conditions for the poor bastards who were trying to be my watchers. Constant stress, absolutely no set schedule, sleep deprevation…and of course, anything at any time could be overridden by an emergency, so if you were looking forward to something important, flip a coin whether you’ll actually get to do it.
What I’m doing differently - Other than of course, the tremendous relief of being alone in my head and on only one plane of reality, I am working very hard to keep a sense of perspective. This is something else I backslid on during GISHWHES. Fandom should be fun. It’s not the end of the world, it’s ok if things go wrong…but things are almost never actually a crisis and should not be treated as such.
Zardoz has spoken
What I did then - I would act on things that the Others had told me, what they told other people, or that I had read in peoples minds, seen in the future, or simply “knew.”
Why it was wrong - Because all of that was complete bullshit with a healthy dose of paranoia. I don’t know where they are now - I know that at least one of them is, sadly, passed away, though I’m making the gesture anyway to make it known to anyone who cares that I am taking responsibility - but if this somehow gets around to any of them: Jason R, Gabriel A, Kyrie A, Cherie D, Leah B, Kaitlin A, and Amber B, I severed our friendships, shamed you to others, and accused you of awful things based on what I now know to be hallucinations, and if you see this and choose to contact me, I want to apologize fully. I also owe apologies to the parents of Amanda K, Kaitlin A, and Kristin N among others, for having made completely unfair judgements of their families that had awful consequences for their relationships.
What I’m doing differently - If I did not see it my damned self on this plane of reality or the person did not directly tell me about it without prompting or leading questions, I’m not acting on it. If I’m going to cut you off as a friend, it’ll be for what you did to me, not what some supernatural entity says you did to them on another plane of reality.
Do You Remember When
What I did then - Because I have an exceptional memory for certain kinds of data, I assumed that my memory was flawless on all things, and I related memories as facts. If something or someone else contradicted me, I declared them mistaken or lying.
Why it was wrong: Because I have a massive problem with differentiating created and real memories, I was often recounting inaccurate information…on top of the perfectly normal iffiness of memory which I never alloted for. As a result, I not only unfairly reconstructed events to fit what I needed at the moment, but I also wound up gaslighting people who knew they remembered A by insisting fervently that B was true and that they couldn’t trust their memories.
What I’m doing differently: Unless I’ve been told the story by a third party or have some outside corroboration, if it’s a long-term event memory, I’m assuming it’s at the very least distorted and weighing whether I use it accordingly. In other words, if my memory of what my grandmother put in macaroni and cheese is inaccurate, no real harm done, so I’ll go ahead and put the peas and tuna in without much investigation. When I remembered a 5th grade friend holding my head under the pool, however, I sought validation from my parents before sharing with others. My default is now that the other person remembers correctly, not that I do.
Master Plan
What I did then: I believed that I was executing a divine plan and therefore if I trusted in God and just did my best, everything would work out in the end somehow no matter how much it seemed like things were going wrong and that He would just send the money, people, or whatever were needed to make it happen.
Why it was wrong: I failed to learn from mistakes, ignored warning signs that things were going wrong, and skipped important steps or details. This often put us in deep last minute hot water or lead to uneccesary complications, and rather than God, the burden often fell on my friends to bale us out…which I then used as proof that see, it had all been ok in the end.
What I’m doing differently: If something isn’t going well, I stop and ask for help and re-assess the situation. If necessary, like with the intended Camp Ouroboros LARP, I quit rather than plow ahead and assume that it will all come together or other people will pick up the slack. While it is ok to leave some details to the last minute, if it’s vital, it needs to not only be known, but have a backup plan.
TL:DR - From about 1999-2011, most (though not all) of my friendships and relationships were tainted or completely consumed by mental illness that caused them to be deeply fucked up and damaging affairs that revolved around my special secret superpowers and the people who “helped me live with them.” Now, all my friendships and relationships revolve around shared interests and activities in the real world that are based on healthy third party parameters with a strong awareness of extradiegesis. In other words, we hang out and watch and talk about TV shows, make stuff, and sometimes go out and do fun things like anyone else. It’s not special, it’s not saving the world (any more than Random Acts, volunteer work, etc)…and I wouldn’t trade it for all the superpowers I ever thought I had.
I also need to acknowledge and thank my parents, Mike and Cyd, for still loving me, taking me back again and again, forgiving me too many times for too many things, and getting me help (and paying for it until I could get insurance and being understanding of all the disaster that recovery can be), Karen for sticking by me but never enabling, Brittany for first showing me that I needed help, Laura, Kristin, and Ed for the intervention and making me start getting it, my care team, Dr’s T, K, J, C, and G, Meg (wings-andgrace), Chris, and Jenn for being the first friends I had to whom I confessed everything and for not walking away when I did, the posse for teaching me what a fucking phenomenally abnosome thing “just friendship” really can be, Misha Collins for giving me hope that I can still be abnosome and brash and eccentric and creative and a leader who wants to help all the people and change all the things, Osric Chau for pinning me down and making me face what I was giving up because of fear of Them finding out how crazy crazy really was and what awful things I’d done, and last but oh so not least, a certain angel for giving me the courage to believe I can openly say just how fucked up I was and still be worth loving as I am now.
Re: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:54 pm (UTC)(link)DM's version from July 9th, 2014:
http://delwynmarch.tumblr.com/post/110703877610/lets-play-a-game-of-spot-the-errors
Backup of images:
http://imgur.com/a/iXzxE