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9:20a - Well, that's just peachy... I've officially called it off with Pam.
Not that I don't care about her. Really care. Not that I don't lust after her. Really lust. Not that I don't really really want to make a relationship work. Really work. Not that I'm not lonely. Really lonely.
It's just that Murphy's Law being what it is, this had to come at a time in my life when I am quite honestly incapable of maintaining a relationship anything approaching fairly. Yeah, I could just put Pam on hold indefinitely and say "when my life straightens out and I'm capable of being someone's partner, we'll do this," and for a while, that's exactly what I was doing.
But that's not fair. You can't just leave someone dangling like that. And you can't un-dangle them and try to do a relationship when you know you can't hold up your end of it.
So I let her go. And maybe someday if my life ever gets back on something resembling an even keel, I'll show up at her door with flowers and chocolate. But somehow, I don't think that's likely, because frankly, I've treated her pretty badly in my attempts to squeeze blood from my own turnip, and right now, I wouldn't take me back either, even if I asked and said Life Was Good. Which it's not.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
I think I'll go crawl in a hole somewhere.
Why do such right things always have to come at such wrong times?
***
Thursday, May 9th, 2002
3:43a - It's one of those nights. I miss Witchwillow. Want to have pretty girls flirt brazenly with me in public and know that of course they're really flirting and of course I'm free to flirt back without getting humiliated or worse because they'd never do something like that you sick gay freak.
I think people sometimes underestimate the value of flirting. I'm as much for Relationships as anyone, and I want a Relationship. Can't have one right now. Know that. It sucks, but I know that. But I still want to feel desirable. Which I guess is maybe selfish...it's just I'd never been hit on before by another lass, much less one oozing Hot out every pore, and there was such a thrill about being involved in that age-old mating dance, that give-and-take with pretty much a total stranger that's all the more exciting because you don't know and don't really care if it goes anywhere, but they notice you and you notice them and...
Better stop before I dig myself into an even deeper funk and find more depressing entries with which to clutter up people's friends lists.
***
Saturday, May 18th, 2002
2:38a - My last pointless spamming survey tonight, I *swear* Number of people on my lj friends list: 97, because I've been lazy about adding. Should be around 110-112. ...whom I've met in person: Lost count at Connexions! ...whom I've met in person more than once: 1 ...whose house I've been to: 0, but will soon be 1 ...who have been to my house: 1 ...whose precise geographic location I know offhand: 8 ...whose full names I know offhand: 3 ...whom I've followed/been in touch with for more than 3 years: 0 ...who live outside my country: a LOT ...whose journal I consider myself "addicted" to: 7 ...whom I've lived with: 0 ...who's an ex: 1 ...who I'd do: 3 ...who I've done: 1, maybe more depending on what happened in the Twelve Hour Tequilla-Induced-Woke-Up-Starkers Memory Hole from Connexions. ...who I have a secret crush on: Now, if I said something, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it? Though she knows. :-)
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Victoria Bitter's LJ, part 4
(Anonymous) 2015-04-09 06:12 am (UTC)(link)Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
9:20a - Well, that's just peachy...
I've officially called it off with Pam.
Not that I don't care about her. Really care. Not that I don't lust after her. Really lust. Not that I don't really really want to make a relationship work. Really work. Not that I'm not lonely. Really lonely.
It's just that Murphy's Law being what it is, this had to come at a time in my life when I am quite honestly incapable of maintaining a relationship anything approaching fairly. Yeah, I could just put Pam on hold indefinitely and say "when my life straightens out and I'm capable of being someone's partner, we'll do this," and for a while, that's exactly what I was doing.
But that's not fair. You can't just leave someone dangling like that. And you can't un-dangle them and try to do a relationship when you know you can't hold up your end of it.
So I let her go. And maybe someday if my life ever gets back on something resembling an even keel, I'll show up at her door with flowers and chocolate. But somehow, I don't think that's likely, because frankly, I've treated her pretty badly in my attempts to squeeze blood from my own turnip, and right now, I wouldn't take me back either, even if I asked and said Life Was Good. Which it's not.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
I think I'll go crawl in a hole somewhere.
Why do such right things always have to come at such wrong times?
***
Thursday, May 9th, 2002
3:43a - It's one of those nights.
I miss Witchwillow. Want to have pretty girls flirt brazenly with me in public and know that of course they're really flirting and of course I'm free to flirt back without getting humiliated or worse because they'd never do something like that you sick gay freak.
I think people sometimes underestimate the value of flirting.
I'm as much for Relationships as anyone, and I want a Relationship. Can't have one right now. Know that. It sucks, but I know that. But I still want to feel desirable. Which I guess is maybe selfish...it's just I'd never been hit on before by another lass, much less one oozing Hot out every pore, and there was such a thrill about being involved in that age-old mating dance, that give-and-take with pretty much a total stranger that's all the more exciting because you don't know and don't really care if it goes anywhere, but they notice you and you notice them and...
Better stop before I dig myself into an even deeper funk and find more depressing entries with which to clutter up people's friends lists.
***
Saturday, May 18th, 2002
2:38a - My last pointless spamming survey tonight, I *swear*
Number of people on my lj friends list: 97, because I've been lazy about adding. Should be around 110-112.
...whom I've met in person: Lost count at Connexions!
...whom I've met in person more than once: 1
...whose house I've been to: 0, but will soon be 1
...who have been to my house: 1
...whose precise geographic location I know offhand: 8
...whose full names I know offhand: 3
...whom I've followed/been in touch with for more than 3 years: 0
...who live outside my country: a LOT
...whose journal I consider myself "addicted" to: 7
...whom I've lived with: 0
...who's an ex: 1
...who I'd do: 3
...who I've done: 1, maybe more depending on what happened in the Twelve Hour Tequilla-Induced-Woke-Up-Starkers Memory Hole from Connexions.
...who I have a secret crush on: Now, if I said something, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it? Though she knows. :-)
***