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Not me, not in my name, and I’m so sorry
Yes, I’m aware about the most recent edition of the wankstorm.
(cut for those of you who want to stay out of it)
No, I did not start it on purpose. Actually, I was incredibly happy that it seemed for a while that everyone had said their piece and was doing well in their lives. I felt like there was, if not maybe (I don’t know if there ever completely can be) closure, at least detente. I responded, unwisely and uncautiously, to someone who was just trying to provoke anger and hurt, and I empowered them to do so beyond their wildest dreams.
In the course of my answer, I said that the most disastrous relationship of my life got sexual when I was 17. Other shit that was going on in my life at the time sure as fuck seemed to line up with 17 from this end. I’ve been saying it that way for years without any wank coming of it. Other people are saying 18. Frankly, I wouldn’t swear to it in a court of law either way because that whole 16-25 time, there are literally MONTHS at a stretch I don’t remember at all (and I had been fairly heavily sexually active - which was NOT a good thing - since I was 14, so we’re not talking about remembering losing my virginity here).
NO, I was NOT trying to make some sneaky technicality accusation of “omg underage” to paint someone as a child molester. The point of that answer was that I wasn’t an adult taking advantage of a kid and that actually, my partner was the older one by far, and I should have just phrased it that way or ignored it completely. I’m willing to concede the exact technicality of the age as I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. At the time, I answered the ask as one of the many many many I get every day and moved on, thinking nothing of it.
Next thing I know, there’s shit flying everywhere. At no time did I ask anyone to post anything on my behalf, nor to defend me. Everyone posting was doing so wholly of their own accord and for their own reasons. I stayed, actually, as completely out of it as I could. I’m saddened by some of the behavior I’ve seen on both sides, and others has given me hope for human decency even under extreme disagreement, but that’s not the point either.
The reason I’m posting this now is that it has been brought to my attention that at least one of the people who was most hurt in all this believes that I deliberately caused it as a horrible response to recent positive developments in their life. That, to quote GoT, “A day will come when you think you’re safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”
And while I don’t think of this person as my worst enemy or really any kind of enemy at all, so it wouldn’t be fair to use that cliche, I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I understand why they would feel that way. I’ve felt that way too, a lot of the time. It is a horrible, horrible way to feel, and it sucks the joy out of all your best moments as you wait for the world to drop out from under you. The notification of a message becomes something that freezes your heart, you feel sick all the time, your skin feels too tight, you dream about it. I understand that it’s pretty much entirely my fault that they feel this way, and that one of the long-lasting repercussions of the incredibly fucked up mess I put them through was the feeling that no matter what they do or don’t do, that any minute, everything can go to hell. I am so, so, so sorry that this penguin got poked. I hate that they’re hurting right now, I would do anything to give them back their joy in your recent life’s accomplishments for the last few days, and I feel it’s very, very important to do anything I can to maybe give them back a sliver of a sense of security in saying NO, I did NOT set this off as any form of attack on anyone.
To anyone who is “on my side” and willing to listen to me: you are totally within your rights to make your own decisions for things concerning you, but if it’s “in my name,” please, consider this a public declaration of cease fire. Never again, ok? As far as I’m concerned, whatever the fuck people want to say about me, if it’s not about you, let them say it. I’ll fight my own battles or I’ll choose not to fight them.
I have since made the public choice and statement that I will no longer be answering ANY Anons about the wank situation, and I will be answering named requests privately. This is to maintain a middle ground where hopefully I can still address legitimate questions and concerns while not giving assholes the power to come and kick old wounds and start new fires whenever they get bored. If you are someone who feels like they have actually been hurt by me (rather than an “interested bystander”) and there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
I know that my promises mean shit to the people I’ve hurt before, and that’s entirely fair and entirely their right. But for what it’s worth to ANYONE, I will NEVER deliberately stir wank, I will NEVER use anyone else to fight my battles for me - though if you go to THEM or say shit about THEM, they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want and I won’t stop them - and if you walk away and say you want to be done, I will NEVER pursue. I have NEVER contacted, Anon or otherwise - including through third parties - anyone who has told me to leave them alone. I want this to be over, as it should have been seven years ago when we actually split up. I want people to heal. I want lives to move on. I don’t want to re-hurt anyone, and I want the people I’ve hurt to be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry that this happened, sorry for the pain it’s caused all concerned, for old pain that it’s resurfaced, and for anything I could have done differently.
Posted 1 year ago
7 notes
Tagged: wank.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/81306105451/not-me-not-in-my-name-and-im-so-sorry
Yes, I’m aware about the most recent edition of the wankstorm.
(cut for those of you who want to stay out of it)
No, I did not start it on purpose. Actually, I was incredibly happy that it seemed for a while that everyone had said their piece and was doing well in their lives. I felt like there was, if not maybe (I don’t know if there ever completely can be) closure, at least detente. I responded, unwisely and uncautiously, to someone who was just trying to provoke anger and hurt, and I empowered them to do so beyond their wildest dreams.
In the course of my answer, I said that the most disastrous relationship of my life got sexual when I was 17. Other shit that was going on in my life at the time sure as fuck seemed to line up with 17 from this end. I’ve been saying it that way for years without any wank coming of it. Other people are saying 18. Frankly, I wouldn’t swear to it in a court of law either way because that whole 16-25 time, there are literally MONTHS at a stretch I don’t remember at all (and I had been fairly heavily sexually active - which was NOT a good thing - since I was 14, so we’re not talking about remembering losing my virginity here).
NO, I was NOT trying to make some sneaky technicality accusation of “omg underage” to paint someone as a child molester. The point of that answer was that I wasn’t an adult taking advantage of a kid and that actually, my partner was the older one by far, and I should have just phrased it that way or ignored it completely. I’m willing to concede the exact technicality of the age as I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. At the time, I answered the ask as one of the many many many I get every day and moved on, thinking nothing of it.
Next thing I know, there’s shit flying everywhere. At no time did I ask anyone to post anything on my behalf, nor to defend me. Everyone posting was doing so wholly of their own accord and for their own reasons. I stayed, actually, as completely out of it as I could. I’m saddened by some of the behavior I’ve seen on both sides, and others has given me hope for human decency even under extreme disagreement, but that’s not the point either.
The reason I’m posting this now is that it has been brought to my attention that at least one of the people who was most hurt in all this believes that I deliberately caused it as a horrible response to recent positive developments in their life. That, to quote GoT, “A day will come when you think you’re safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”
And while I don’t think of this person as my worst enemy or really any kind of enemy at all, so it wouldn’t be fair to use that cliche, I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I understand why they would feel that way. I’ve felt that way too, a lot of the time. It is a horrible, horrible way to feel, and it sucks the joy out of all your best moments as you wait for the world to drop out from under you. The notification of a message becomes something that freezes your heart, you feel sick all the time, your skin feels too tight, you dream about it. I understand that it’s pretty much entirely my fault that they feel this way, and that one of the long-lasting repercussions of the incredibly fucked up mess I put them through was the feeling that no matter what they do or don’t do, that any minute, everything can go to hell. I am so, so, so sorry that this penguin got poked. I hate that they’re hurting right now, I would do anything to give them back their joy in your recent life’s accomplishments for the last few days, and I feel it’s very, very important to do anything I can to maybe give them back a sliver of a sense of security in saying NO, I did NOT set this off as any form of attack on anyone.
To anyone who is “on my side” and willing to listen to me: you are totally within your rights to make your own decisions for things concerning you, but if it’s “in my name,” please, consider this a public declaration of cease fire. Never again, ok? As far as I’m concerned, whatever the fuck people want to say about me, if it’s not about you, let them say it. I’ll fight my own battles or I’ll choose not to fight them.
I have since made the public choice and statement that I will no longer be answering ANY Anons about the wank situation, and I will be answering named requests privately. This is to maintain a middle ground where hopefully I can still address legitimate questions and concerns while not giving assholes the power to come and kick old wounds and start new fires whenever they get bored. If you are someone who feels like they have actually been hurt by me (rather than an “interested bystander”) and there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
I know that my promises mean shit to the people I’ve hurt before, and that’s entirely fair and entirely their right. But for what it’s worth to ANYONE, I will NEVER deliberately stir wank, I will NEVER use anyone else to fight my battles for me - though if you go to THEM or say shit about THEM, they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want and I won’t stop them - and if you walk away and say you want to be done, I will NEVER pursue. I have NEVER contacted, Anon or otherwise - including through third parties - anyone who has told me to leave them alone. I want this to be over, as it should have been seven years ago when we actually split up. I want people to heal. I want lives to move on. I don’t want to re-hurt anyone, and I want the people I’ve hurt to be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry that this happened, sorry for the pain it’s caused all concerned, for old pain that it’s resurfaced, and for anything I could have done differently.
Posted 1 year ago
7 notes
Tagged: wank.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/81306105451/not-me-not-in-my-name-and-im-so-sorry
You say that you've contacted everyone you've wronged and apologized, but there are people who say you've wronged them and that you haven't done any such thing.
Anonymous
Actually, I’ve said that everyone I’ve wronged whom I’ve known, can find, and who didn’t tell me not to contact them again I have contacted and tried to apologize and make amends. That’s not me trying to weasel out of anything, that’s:
1. We’re talking about 2000-2007 primarily, with a handful of additional people from 2007-2011. That’s fourteen years back. Go ahead. WITHOUT throwing mental illness or anything else in the mix, I want you to think of everyone you’ve wronged in the last fourteen years. Make a list. Won’t be as big as my list because you weren’t apecrap crazy, but every human has a list. And I mean everything from “I cheated on them and toyed with their heart through five years of marriage after I knew I didn’t love them any more” all the way down to “I memorized their partner number and used their discount at a Starbucks out of town” or “I lied and told them I’d left the CD I borrowed in their mailbox when actually I’d lost it” to “I fed them a line of bullshit online about having a trigger because I didn’t want to admit that their prompt squicked me.” That group project in the college class you hated that you faked a stomach virus and ditched? Every person in it had better be on your list. And if you fucked up a big event like getting drunk and calling in a bomb threat that got the prom canceled? EVERYONE who was going to go, on the list. Plus their dates. And the firefighters and school admin staff.
2. Now promise me, hand on a stack of Bibles, you haven’t left anyone out. Oh, and by the way, that’s not even getting into butterfly effect or bystanders or the families of those people. So yeah, I’m gonna miss some people. Maybe even some really significant ones. If they come to me, I will happily apologize and make amends and apologize again for forgetting them.
3. Take another look at that list. You’ve got absolutely everyone’s Tumblr address, Facebook, and email, right? You can just start calling them up and doing your thing? Oh? You don’t? What do you mean you don’t know the full legal name and current online aliases of all those people? What do you mean “I only knew them as ‘Tracy’ or ‘Goatlicker222’ and the only results I can find for that are a 8 year out of date Angelfire page and a dead Myspace account? What do you mean, paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases often are dealing with other paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases? What do you mean you don’t necessarily remember the last names of all your friends from 10 years ago, or that some of them have since gotten married or otherwise changed those names? (And for bonus fun, let’s throw in that you might actually remember them by what your head said their “real” identity was. Or that if you remember that they died or moved away or whatever, that may not be true, because your memories do not store delusions and reality in different bins or conveniently mark them.). Or that even if you DO have their accurate names, that doesn’t always turn up shit-all on a Google search?
4. I’m sorry. I’m not hiring a private fucking detective to hunt down the person I borrowed $5 from in 2004 that I said was transit fare to see my brother in the hospital when I actually hadn’t had a cigarette in two days. Or that girl in Orlando with the doves tattoo on her wrist and the nose piercing that I told a COMPLETE crock of bullshit backstory to to seem cool, made out with, then gave a fake phone number to, because I don’t remember anything about her other than what I just said and what her skin smelled like, not even her name or what resort they were staying at or what day of the week it was.
5. As any good 12-step facilitator will tell you, apologies aren’t about you, they’re about the person you hurt, and respecting their boundaries is the MOST important thing. It doesn’t matter why you hurt them; whether it’s because you were an asshole, because you were mentally ill, an addict, whatever, your desire to feel better about yourself does not trump their right to have boundaries about you. If the last thing you heard from them was “I never want to fucking talk to you again, get out of my life” or any version thereof?
6. YOU DO NOT VIOLATE THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY. They. Said. No. It’s OVER.
You can post publicly that you’re sorry and willing to make amends to anyone who comes to you (which I have, over and over again) but even if they’re across the street from you, even if they’re in your fucking house, if you truly mean that you want to stop being a dick to them, step one is honoring what they told you. If you so much as cross the hall and say “Hey, I know you never wanted to hear from me again, but I’m sorry I -” Yeah. Guess what? You just screwed them over all over again, no matter how pretty the rest of your apology.
7. You were a toxic person to them. Everyone has the right to tell toxic people to go the fuck away forever and have that respected. Which does not mean “unless you really want to talk to me later for a totally good reason.” Fuck, I know there are people whom, if I ever saw or heard from them again, even seeing their name on an email in my inbox, I’d be so goddamned triggered that if they were apologizing on their knees and offering me a billion dollars my entire response would be fuck that shit why couldn’t you just have stayed gone, fuck your sorry fuck your money GO AWAY and let me try to move on. And I know I’m that person for other people.
8. Which means yeah, I’ve got a lot of people on my list whom I do know where they are and how I could contact them, but the last contact I had from or with them was a do not want. And by fucking God I will respect that until or unless the day they contact me. It’s not like I’ve made my contact information hard to find.
So if there are all these people saying I’ve wronged them (who are not Anons, because it’s so fascinating how there are plenty of people willing to say that I did everything shy of eat their daughter’s kitten in front of her poor tear-filled eyes on Anon but when I say “come to me off Anon and we’ll talk about it” nothing has ever come of it), tell them to come to me. Off Anon. And I’ll contact them and we’ll talk and I’ll apologize for having hurt them and ask what I can do to make up for it.
But there’s another thing here too, and again, this isn’t just talking about me, I’m talking about this because it’s true for everyone: just because you did thing X wrong does not give them carte blanche. You apologize for what you did, why you did it, and the reasonable ramifications and pain it caused them, not for what they think you did and why they think you did it. And just because they feel wronged does not necessarily make them right about everything. You have to walk a very careful line where you make up for what you did without becoming a victim or devaluing your actual issues by taking “responsibility” for things that aren’t true or aren’t fair.
I don’t care how many times the internet demands I apologize for supposedly causing a love triangle that got Brittany killed. I am not apologizing for something that fucking didn’t happen, not to anyone for any reason, no matter how much they’re hurting because of it. If I forgot your birthday and accidentally stood you up, I will apologize for forgetting it and that you sat an hour in that cafe alone and were upset and felt like I’d played a cruel prank on you. I will not apologize for playing a cruel prank on you, because that’s not true.
Likewise, while I’ll say I’m sorry it happened, I’m not going to accept responsibility that after this “prank,” you were so upset that you dropped out of school, gave away all your worldly goods, and went to live as a hermit in the woods because you could no longer trust in humanity and therefore lost your promising future as an astrophysicist with a full ride scholarship to Yale. It’s fair to ask me to pay the bill for your uneaten lunch at the cafe and your taxi ride to and from. It’s not fair to demand that I pay you a lifetime’s lost wages from the NASA rocket scientist you could have been if not for.
This can also extend to the restitution demands of victims who want an eye for an eye. People like me who have been mentally ill in certain ways have often, as I have, left a whole shit ton of heartbreak and fucked up lives behind them, as have a lot of addicts. There’s an alcoholic in one of my therapy groups who went shot for shot with one of his best friends and then fell asleep on the couch while said friend choked on his own vomit and died in his bathroom. When he apologized, the friend’s parents told him that if he was really sorry, he’d kill himself because their son didn’t get to live either.
That’s not ok and it’s not true. You do not have to kill yourself, give up your dreams, live the rest of your life alone and cold and miserable under the rock of shame, etc, because your victims demand it in revenge. The goal of offering restitution is making things better. If you took something that you can give back in any way, you give it back. Hurting yourself won’t give them anything back. You’re trying to make things right, and two wrongs are never the answer to that. And if the other person won’t accept that and continues demanding a pound of flesh, it is completely ok and right and good for you to just walk away.
One last thing. It’s common for people who are fucked up to be in super fucked up relationships and do dangerous and stupid things and to be in circles with a lot of other dangerous, fucked up people doing stupid things. You do not have any obligation to contact someone who is physically, mentally, or emotionally not safe for you, even to apologize. You do not have to contact your abuser because you stole from them and cheated on them. You do not have to contact the dealer you ratted on who has sworn to kill you if they ever find you to apologize for getting them into meth in the first place. You do not have to re-connect with toxic people to apologize for being a toxic person.
Not everyone is going to forgive you. Not everyone is going to offer reasonable terms. Not everyone is going to be satisfied with your apology. You’re never going to find everyone. You’re never going to remember everyone. You’re going to have to leave some stories at the point the other person closed the book, no matter how much you want to write an epilogue. You’re never going to be able to make it right for everyone.
Your only obligation is to try.
And I have tried. And still do.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/80809286813/you-say-that-youve-contacted-everyone-youve
Anonymous
Actually, I’ve said that everyone I’ve wronged whom I’ve known, can find, and who didn’t tell me not to contact them again I have contacted and tried to apologize and make amends. That’s not me trying to weasel out of anything, that’s:
1. We’re talking about 2000-2007 primarily, with a handful of additional people from 2007-2011. That’s fourteen years back. Go ahead. WITHOUT throwing mental illness or anything else in the mix, I want you to think of everyone you’ve wronged in the last fourteen years. Make a list. Won’t be as big as my list because you weren’t apecrap crazy, but every human has a list. And I mean everything from “I cheated on them and toyed with their heart through five years of marriage after I knew I didn’t love them any more” all the way down to “I memorized their partner number and used their discount at a Starbucks out of town” or “I lied and told them I’d left the CD I borrowed in their mailbox when actually I’d lost it” to “I fed them a line of bullshit online about having a trigger because I didn’t want to admit that their prompt squicked me.” That group project in the college class you hated that you faked a stomach virus and ditched? Every person in it had better be on your list. And if you fucked up a big event like getting drunk and calling in a bomb threat that got the prom canceled? EVERYONE who was going to go, on the list. Plus their dates. And the firefighters and school admin staff.
2. Now promise me, hand on a stack of Bibles, you haven’t left anyone out. Oh, and by the way, that’s not even getting into butterfly effect or bystanders or the families of those people. So yeah, I’m gonna miss some people. Maybe even some really significant ones. If they come to me, I will happily apologize and make amends and apologize again for forgetting them.
3. Take another look at that list. You’ve got absolutely everyone’s Tumblr address, Facebook, and email, right? You can just start calling them up and doing your thing? Oh? You don’t? What do you mean you don’t know the full legal name and current online aliases of all those people? What do you mean “I only knew them as ‘Tracy’ or ‘Goatlicker222’ and the only results I can find for that are a 8 year out of date Angelfire page and a dead Myspace account? What do you mean, paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases often are dealing with other paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases? What do you mean you don’t necessarily remember the last names of all your friends from 10 years ago, or that some of them have since gotten married or otherwise changed those names? (And for bonus fun, let’s throw in that you might actually remember them by what your head said their “real” identity was. Or that if you remember that they died or moved away or whatever, that may not be true, because your memories do not store delusions and reality in different bins or conveniently mark them.). Or that even if you DO have their accurate names, that doesn’t always turn up shit-all on a Google search?
4. I’m sorry. I’m not hiring a private fucking detective to hunt down the person I borrowed $5 from in 2004 that I said was transit fare to see my brother in the hospital when I actually hadn’t had a cigarette in two days. Or that girl in Orlando with the doves tattoo on her wrist and the nose piercing that I told a COMPLETE crock of bullshit backstory to to seem cool, made out with, then gave a fake phone number to, because I don’t remember anything about her other than what I just said and what her skin smelled like, not even her name or what resort they were staying at or what day of the week it was.
5. As any good 12-step facilitator will tell you, apologies aren’t about you, they’re about the person you hurt, and respecting their boundaries is the MOST important thing. It doesn’t matter why you hurt them; whether it’s because you were an asshole, because you were mentally ill, an addict, whatever, your desire to feel better about yourself does not trump their right to have boundaries about you. If the last thing you heard from them was “I never want to fucking talk to you again, get out of my life” or any version thereof?
6. YOU DO NOT VIOLATE THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY. They. Said. No. It’s OVER.
You can post publicly that you’re sorry and willing to make amends to anyone who comes to you (which I have, over and over again) but even if they’re across the street from you, even if they’re in your fucking house, if you truly mean that you want to stop being a dick to them, step one is honoring what they told you. If you so much as cross the hall and say “Hey, I know you never wanted to hear from me again, but I’m sorry I -” Yeah. Guess what? You just screwed them over all over again, no matter how pretty the rest of your apology.
7. You were a toxic person to them. Everyone has the right to tell toxic people to go the fuck away forever and have that respected. Which does not mean “unless you really want to talk to me later for a totally good reason.” Fuck, I know there are people whom, if I ever saw or heard from them again, even seeing their name on an email in my inbox, I’d be so goddamned triggered that if they were apologizing on their knees and offering me a billion dollars my entire response would be fuck that shit why couldn’t you just have stayed gone, fuck your sorry fuck your money GO AWAY and let me try to move on. And I know I’m that person for other people.
8. Which means yeah, I’ve got a lot of people on my list whom I do know where they are and how I could contact them, but the last contact I had from or with them was a do not want. And by fucking God I will respect that until or unless the day they contact me. It’s not like I’ve made my contact information hard to find.
So if there are all these people saying I’ve wronged them (who are not Anons, because it’s so fascinating how there are plenty of people willing to say that I did everything shy of eat their daughter’s kitten in front of her poor tear-filled eyes on Anon but when I say “come to me off Anon and we’ll talk about it” nothing has ever come of it), tell them to come to me. Off Anon. And I’ll contact them and we’ll talk and I’ll apologize for having hurt them and ask what I can do to make up for it.
But there’s another thing here too, and again, this isn’t just talking about me, I’m talking about this because it’s true for everyone: just because you did thing X wrong does not give them carte blanche. You apologize for what you did, why you did it, and the reasonable ramifications and pain it caused them, not for what they think you did and why they think you did it. And just because they feel wronged does not necessarily make them right about everything. You have to walk a very careful line where you make up for what you did without becoming a victim or devaluing your actual issues by taking “responsibility” for things that aren’t true or aren’t fair.
I don’t care how many times the internet demands I apologize for supposedly causing a love triangle that got Brittany killed. I am not apologizing for something that fucking didn’t happen, not to anyone for any reason, no matter how much they’re hurting because of it. If I forgot your birthday and accidentally stood you up, I will apologize for forgetting it and that you sat an hour in that cafe alone and were upset and felt like I’d played a cruel prank on you. I will not apologize for playing a cruel prank on you, because that’s not true.
Likewise, while I’ll say I’m sorry it happened, I’m not going to accept responsibility that after this “prank,” you were so upset that you dropped out of school, gave away all your worldly goods, and went to live as a hermit in the woods because you could no longer trust in humanity and therefore lost your promising future as an astrophysicist with a full ride scholarship to Yale. It’s fair to ask me to pay the bill for your uneaten lunch at the cafe and your taxi ride to and from. It’s not fair to demand that I pay you a lifetime’s lost wages from the NASA rocket scientist you could have been if not for.
This can also extend to the restitution demands of victims who want an eye for an eye. People like me who have been mentally ill in certain ways have often, as I have, left a whole shit ton of heartbreak and fucked up lives behind them, as have a lot of addicts. There’s an alcoholic in one of my therapy groups who went shot for shot with one of his best friends and then fell asleep on the couch while said friend choked on his own vomit and died in his bathroom. When he apologized, the friend’s parents told him that if he was really sorry, he’d kill himself because their son didn’t get to live either.
That’s not ok and it’s not true. You do not have to kill yourself, give up your dreams, live the rest of your life alone and cold and miserable under the rock of shame, etc, because your victims demand it in revenge. The goal of offering restitution is making things better. If you took something that you can give back in any way, you give it back. Hurting yourself won’t give them anything back. You’re trying to make things right, and two wrongs are never the answer to that. And if the other person won’t accept that and continues demanding a pound of flesh, it is completely ok and right and good for you to just walk away.
One last thing. It’s common for people who are fucked up to be in super fucked up relationships and do dangerous and stupid things and to be in circles with a lot of other dangerous, fucked up people doing stupid things. You do not have any obligation to contact someone who is physically, mentally, or emotionally not safe for you, even to apologize. You do not have to contact your abuser because you stole from them and cheated on them. You do not have to contact the dealer you ratted on who has sworn to kill you if they ever find you to apologize for getting them into meth in the first place. You do not have to re-connect with toxic people to apologize for being a toxic person.
Not everyone is going to forgive you. Not everyone is going to offer reasonable terms. Not everyone is going to be satisfied with your apology. You’re never going to find everyone. You’re never going to remember everyone. You’re going to have to leave some stories at the point the other person closed the book, no matter how much you want to write an epilogue. You’re never going to be able to make it right for everyone.
Your only obligation is to try.
And I have tried. And still do.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/80809286813/you-say-that-youve-contacted-everyone-youve
Peg Kerr is an American fantasy author. She commented on Andy's writing of Snape here: http://pegkerr.dreamwidth.org/1298015.html?thread=10576223
At the entry, there's a comment from someone who claims to have been a friend of Andy's when he was in college. This person knew him when he still IDed as Amy and refers to him with female pronouns (so tw: genderfail).
Date: 2010-09-25 12:00 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Peg,
I just stumbled upon your post while looking for updates on Amy, and I don't think you could have hit the nail on the head any more soundly. My friends and I knew Amy before she was a man, hobbit, online presence, swindler, fanfic author with a following, or anybody's evil twin. Of course, we now follow her story with interest and astonishment. Amy began attending college with us when she was seventeen and quickly attached herself to the theater geeks, with whom I spent most of my time. It was immediately apparent that she was preternaturally intelligent and talented, admirably so, but that she was absolutely hopeless in the realm of social functioning. She'd been homeschooled all of her life and seemed sheltered by religious parents, so we assumed she'd simply not had adequate exposure to peers and would settle into college life more gracefully as time passed. After a short time, though, we started catching her in the middle of silly and sometimes outlandish lies that played up the extent of her societal isolation while growing up or confrontational scenes she'd witnessed in classes. We found her difficult to be around, but wondered if her problems didn't go deeper than a bad case of over parenting. Imagine our surprise when she first went missing, then reappeared as a male hobbit wanted by the law.
I've often wondered why Amy has never invested her considerable creativity and skill into original works for which she could legally garner income, but I very much share your suspicion that she does not create for the sake of creating, but as a means to submerge her reality inside a ready-made fantasy world that she can reimagine for herself. I found your thoughts on the Neville/Snape dichotomy so intriguing and I think you're absolutely right. She has little to no objectivity when it comes to Amy. Amy has become something she longs to sabotage and destroy. Thus, she similarly lacks objectivity in rendering Snape, despite having demonstrated a firm and fair grasp of the other characters she's adapted.
It's all quite sad, really. I'm sure she was flattered and honored by your praise/advise, but I'm afraid there's something so deeply troubled about her that all words of reason and help fail to sink in. For her sake (and the sake of those who get hurt in her charades), I hope that's not so.
At the entry, there's a comment from someone who claims to have been a friend of Andy's when he was in college. This person knew him when he still IDed as Amy and refers to him with female pronouns (so tw: genderfail).
Date: 2010-09-25 12:00 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Peg,
I just stumbled upon your post while looking for updates on Amy, and I don't think you could have hit the nail on the head any more soundly. My friends and I knew Amy before she was a man, hobbit, online presence, swindler, fanfic author with a following, or anybody's evil twin. Of course, we now follow her story with interest and astonishment. Amy began attending college with us when she was seventeen and quickly attached herself to the theater geeks, with whom I spent most of my time. It was immediately apparent that she was preternaturally intelligent and talented, admirably so, but that she was absolutely hopeless in the realm of social functioning. She'd been homeschooled all of her life and seemed sheltered by religious parents, so we assumed she'd simply not had adequate exposure to peers and would settle into college life more gracefully as time passed. After a short time, though, we started catching her in the middle of silly and sometimes outlandish lies that played up the extent of her societal isolation while growing up or confrontational scenes she'd witnessed in classes. We found her difficult to be around, but wondered if her problems didn't go deeper than a bad case of over parenting. Imagine our surprise when she first went missing, then reappeared as a male hobbit wanted by the law.
I've often wondered why Amy has never invested her considerable creativity and skill into original works for which she could legally garner income, but I very much share your suspicion that she does not create for the sake of creating, but as a means to submerge her reality inside a ready-made fantasy world that she can reimagine for herself. I found your thoughts on the Neville/Snape dichotomy so intriguing and I think you're absolutely right. She has little to no objectivity when it comes to Amy. Amy has become something she longs to sabotage and destroy. Thus, she similarly lacks objectivity in rendering Snape, despite having demonstrated a firm and fair grasp of the other characters she's adapted.
It's all quite sad, really. I'm sure she was flattered and honored by your praise/advise, but I'm afraid there's something so deeply troubled about her that all words of reason and help fail to sink in. For her sake (and the sake of those who get hurt in her charades), I hope that's not so.
Andy places responsibility on his followers to fend off potential romantic advances
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 05:55 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45338041301/dont-get-me-to-the-church-on-time
DON’T get me to the church on time
Look, I’m saying this publicly and while I’m clear-headed. I do not need to be in a relationship right now. In fact, it would be an extremely, extremely bad idea. I am not in anything remotely resembling a place where I could be anyone’s partner in an egalitarian and constructive way, not to mention that I am still so far from over Brittany and have already tried the bad idea of seeing if I could force someone else to conform to that gaping hole in my heart (protip: humans don’t work like that).
But I’m a Gryffindor. An idealist. I love me my Big Causes, and I have a tremendously hard time doing things for myself. It feels wrong. Especially when there’s this much effort involved and it sometimes involves saying no to things other people want from me. I’m really, really, really bad at no. Incredibly bad at no. I kind of have a tendency even to volunteer yeses that other people haven’t asked for and I sometimes can’t even fulfill if I even think someone might suspect I might be considering saying no, regardless of how much no would be entirely appropriate.
As a result, the temptation is really, really, really strong right now to find someone to make myself fall in love with so that I can do all this for them and say a lot of yes. Which is actually an incredibly unhealthy basis for a relationship, and one of the things I’m working on with my therapist is that other than Brittany, all of my relationships have been this kind of goddamn it if need be I will force you to let me serve you and sacrifice myself for your dreams because I’ve had tremendous self-confidence and almost no self-worth and believed no matter how awesome I may be, I only have value and can only earn existing via what I can do for others.
So why am I saying this? Because I’m asking for outside help on three things.
1: Until future notice - and at the very least the end of the year - if I get a girlfriend or start to say I’ve fallen in love or think I’m falling in love, someone punch me in the face until I come to my senses.
2: If I fuck up and try to move past friendship with any of you? Particularly if you in any way resemble something that could be in any way interpreted as a damsel in distress or a noble cause or a heroic quest? Again, please punch me in the face until I come to my senses. And say no. Please. I will respect no, even if I’m in the middle of stupid.
3. Ditto if I try to give any ridiculously, outlandishly huge gifts or gestures that you don’t actually need (except the carrot you and I are doing together, Karen, that’s different).Like, if your house burns down and you have six kids dying of cancer, sure, please, let me help with the relief effort. But if your car is just kinda shitty and you complain about it on your blog and I suddenly try to get you a new one? Say. No. Please.
There is the Daydverse, there is GISHWHES and Random Acts, there is work and school and convention and meta and let’s be blunt; it’s the internet, there’s plenty of free porn.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I really, really don’t.
DON’T get me to the church on time
Look, I’m saying this publicly and while I’m clear-headed. I do not need to be in a relationship right now. In fact, it would be an extremely, extremely bad idea. I am not in anything remotely resembling a place where I could be anyone’s partner in an egalitarian and constructive way, not to mention that I am still so far from over Brittany and have already tried the bad idea of seeing if I could force someone else to conform to that gaping hole in my heart (protip: humans don’t work like that).
But I’m a Gryffindor. An idealist. I love me my Big Causes, and I have a tremendously hard time doing things for myself. It feels wrong. Especially when there’s this much effort involved and it sometimes involves saying no to things other people want from me. I’m really, really, really bad at no. Incredibly bad at no. I kind of have a tendency even to volunteer yeses that other people haven’t asked for and I sometimes can’t even fulfill if I even think someone might suspect I might be considering saying no, regardless of how much no would be entirely appropriate.
As a result, the temptation is really, really, really strong right now to find someone to make myself fall in love with so that I can do all this for them and say a lot of yes. Which is actually an incredibly unhealthy basis for a relationship, and one of the things I’m working on with my therapist is that other than Brittany, all of my relationships have been this kind of goddamn it if need be I will force you to let me serve you and sacrifice myself for your dreams because I’ve had tremendous self-confidence and almost no self-worth and believed no matter how awesome I may be, I only have value and can only earn existing via what I can do for others.
So why am I saying this? Because I’m asking for outside help on three things.
1: Until future notice - and at the very least the end of the year - if I get a girlfriend or start to say I’ve fallen in love or think I’m falling in love, someone punch me in the face until I come to my senses.
2: If I fuck up and try to move past friendship with any of you? Particularly if you in any way resemble something that could be in any way interpreted as a damsel in distress or a noble cause or a heroic quest? Again, please punch me in the face until I come to my senses. And say no. Please. I will respect no, even if I’m in the middle of stupid.
3. Ditto if I try to give any ridiculously, outlandishly huge gifts or gestures that you don’t actually need (except the carrot you and I are doing together, Karen, that’s different).Like, if your house burns down and you have six kids dying of cancer, sure, please, let me help with the relief effort. But if your car is just kinda shitty and you complain about it on your blog and I suddenly try to get you a new one? Say. No. Please.
There is the Daydverse, there is GISHWHES and Random Acts, there is work and school and convention and meta and let’s be blunt; it’s the internet, there’s plenty of free porn.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I really, really don’t.
Woman in the Walmart parking lot - Andy claims it wasn't consensual/invokes rape culture
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 06:37 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45516262723/why-was-the-encounter-not-quite-consensual-in-your
>Why was the encounter not quite consensual in your opinion? That's an odd addendum that wasn't included in your initial immediate reaction. I'm assuming it was on your part?
Anonymous
Because I said yes but I didn’t actually want it. It was consent, but not good consent. And although not applicable in my circumstance, I really hope that your day job isn’t as a rape counselor. Protip for the future: If I had been raped, it’s not your job to decide if my stories line up well enough. You’d be astonished how many people either tell themselves or others or both one thing until they can handle or are given no choice but to face or admit the truth.
>Why was the encounter not quite consensual in your opinion? That's an odd addendum that wasn't included in your initial immediate reaction. I'm assuming it was on your part?
Anonymous
Because I said yes but I didn’t actually want it. It was consent, but not good consent. And although not applicable in my circumstance, I really hope that your day job isn’t as a rape counselor. Protip for the future: If I had been raped, it’s not your job to decide if my stories line up well enough. You’d be astonished how many people either tell themselves or others or both one thing until they can handle or are given no choice but to face or admit the truth.
Woman in the Walmart parking lot - Andy says there was "fucky consent"
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45507248418/wow-how-absolutely-dean-winchester-of-you
>Wow how absolutely Dean Winchester of you..
Anonymous
Huh?
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45510939404/just-never-seen-you-write-about-a-one-night-stand
>Just never seen you write about a one night stand before this spn phase
Anonymous
Ok, obviously you don’t know crap about Dean’s characterization because that? Is so not his style.
Also? I’m kind of disgusted by your implications. Ignoring my sexual history prior to this Tumblr, I started this blog less than six months after my monogamous life-partner relationship was brutally murdered less than ten feet away from me. I made one, brief attempt at a girlfriend after that. It was too soon. It didn’t go well. I didn’t blog about it because of a mutual agreement with the person it was with.
Last night I did something very, very stupid…and presented it as something very, very stupid. Not sexy, not badass, not macho. I didn’t “score with a hot babe.” I did something shameful and pathetic where a stranger and I used each other in fucky consent territory. I admitted it because I feel dirty and shaken and lonely and I’m an extrovert and I need validation both that I’m still ok and help not doing it again.
But really, you’re the one who should feel ashamed of yourself right now.
>Wow how absolutely Dean Winchester of you..
Anonymous
Huh?
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45510939404/just-never-seen-you-write-about-a-one-night-stand
>Just never seen you write about a one night stand before this spn phase
Anonymous
Ok, obviously you don’t know crap about Dean’s characterization because that? Is so not his style.
Also? I’m kind of disgusted by your implications. Ignoring my sexual history prior to this Tumblr, I started this blog less than six months after my monogamous life-partner relationship was brutally murdered less than ten feet away from me. I made one, brief attempt at a girlfriend after that. It was too soon. It didn’t go well. I didn’t blog about it because of a mutual agreement with the person it was with.
Last night I did something very, very stupid…and presented it as something very, very stupid. Not sexy, not badass, not macho. I didn’t “score with a hot babe.” I did something shameful and pathetic where a stranger and I used each other in fucky consent territory. I admitted it because I feel dirty and shaken and lonely and I’m an extrovert and I need validation both that I’m still ok and help not doing it again.
But really, you’re the one who should feel ashamed of yourself right now.
Woman in the Walmart parking lot - At least Andy raised "gut-fold" woman's self-esteem!
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 06:53 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45606837879/you-know-what-happens-when-you-have-a-problem
>you know what happens when you have a problem saying no and fall off the no wagon? you get up, dust yourself off, take a shower, it's now in the past and you move forward. <3
ceirdwenfc
You’re right. And remind myself that I *did* make someone feel more worthwhile and valued, and that *is* worth something, even if it wasn’t the healthiest choice I could have made for how to do it.
>you know what happens when you have a problem saying no and fall off the no wagon? you get up, dust yourself off, take a shower, it's now in the past and you move forward. <3
ceirdwenfc
You’re right. And remind myself that I *did* make someone feel more worthwhile and valued, and that *is* worth something, even if it wasn’t the healthiest choice I could have made for how to do it.
Re: Andy places responsibility on his followers to fend off potential romantic advances
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 08:01 pm (UTC)(link)NA
For the record, this was posted March 14, 2013.
For the record, this was posted March 14, 2013.
NA
For the record, this was posted August 16, 2012.
For the record, this was posted August 16, 2012.
Re: Andy places responsibility on his followers to fend off potential romantic advances
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 08:10 pm (UTC)(link)Hey anon, do you have access to SM 52 though 62? Those are the only ones I don't have.
NA
For the record, this was posted January 8, 2012.
For the record, this was posted January 8, 2012.
NA
For the record, Andy said this March 3, 2013.
For the record, Andy said this March 3, 2013.
Re: Andy claims LOTR bores him to the point of sleep in 2013
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 08:22 pm (UTC)(link)NA
For the record, this was posted October 28, 2012, not 2013. Tumblr is wonky when it comes to dates.
For the record, this was posted October 28, 2012, not 2013. Tumblr is wonky when it comes to dates.
This outrageous claim was made August 16, 2012. I hope he hasn't made a new record since.
Re: Do you really have a cult, like that tumblr post says that's going around? (Asked by Colourmyci
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 08:34 pm (UTC)(link)DA
This post as well as the ask are fairly recent, but I guess having an accurate date would be helpful for timeline and wiki nonnies. Andy admitted running a cult May 22, 2014.
This post as well as the ask are fairly recent, but I guess having an accurate date would be helpful for timeline and wiki nonnies. Andy admitted running a cult May 22, 2014.
Re: "I'm not famous only because I pity normal people too much, and they need me."
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 08:42 pm (UTC)(link)DA
This was posted December 4, 2011.
This was posted December 4, 2011.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34401905714/there-was-no-sex-ed-almost-nobody-got-the, posted on October 27, 2012.
“There was no “sex ed.” Almost nobody got “the talk” from their parents. You got maybe, oh, a couple tips from your older brother maybe, if you were close, but mostly it was something you just figure out with the or figure out for yourself or get from the other guys in your class or your team or your unit, just a lot of bragging and bullshit and Tijuana Bibles and maybe a stag film if you were really lucky. Those were a hoot. Kid like Steve, outcast kid, sweet kid who wouldn’t go looking - you had to go looking - for pornos, who’d have told him? Not Bucky, he wouldn’t have been that mean. Not with the girls all over him and ignoring Steve like they were. It’d be like giving a cripple kid tips on the finer points of running track. And when he sees him again - when he’s Captain America - all those chorus girls? He’d assume, you know? And they were busy. But for Steve, he’s a good guy. It’s an after marriage thing, and he’s got a war on. So yeah, he’s got less understanding of sex than a five year old who’s seen a Britney Spears video, and that doesn’t mean he’s not into girls. It doesn’t mean anything except that someone’s gonna have to sit him down and soon and I hope it’s not Stark, ‘cause he’d give that poor kid too much shit he don’t deserve. And oh yeah he’s a kid. They got…the actor they got…he’s too old. He’d be eighteen, nineteen, maybe twenty. That’s how it was. We were kids. And he’s a kid, how he talks, how he thinks. He’s good at it in the eyes, though. He’s got the eyes. I knew kids with those eyes.”
— Transcript I just found of a conversation with one of my grandfather’s friends (and a WWII vet) that veered into a tangent about the Captain America movie and Steve Rogers’ sexuality.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34428980641/for-avengers-captain-america-writers, posted on October 27, 2012
For Avengers/Captain America writers:
I just spoke to my grandfather’s bingo buddy, Retired Army Lieutenant R. L. from the previous quote about Steve’s sexuality. He’s delighted that people care what he thinks about Steve Rogers/Captain America, because he figured that no one would want him “making noise about their shiny new thing,” and has offered that if anyone wants to know something in particular about Cap and his era from someone who fought in that war and remembers the original comic books coming out, he’s quite willing to answer a few questions that aren’t readily googleable. With the caveat that “I swore I’d take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean mostly there.”
“There was no “sex ed.” Almost nobody got “the talk” from their parents. You got maybe, oh, a couple tips from your older brother maybe, if you were close, but mostly it was something you just figure out with the or figure out for yourself or get from the other guys in your class or your team or your unit, just a lot of bragging and bullshit and Tijuana Bibles and maybe a stag film if you were really lucky. Those were a hoot. Kid like Steve, outcast kid, sweet kid who wouldn’t go looking - you had to go looking - for pornos, who’d have told him? Not Bucky, he wouldn’t have been that mean. Not with the girls all over him and ignoring Steve like they were. It’d be like giving a cripple kid tips on the finer points of running track. And when he sees him again - when he’s Captain America - all those chorus girls? He’d assume, you know? And they were busy. But for Steve, he’s a good guy. It’s an after marriage thing, and he’s got a war on. So yeah, he’s got less understanding of sex than a five year old who’s seen a Britney Spears video, and that doesn’t mean he’s not into girls. It doesn’t mean anything except that someone’s gonna have to sit him down and soon and I hope it’s not Stark, ‘cause he’d give that poor kid too much shit he don’t deserve. And oh yeah he’s a kid. They got…the actor they got…he’s too old. He’d be eighteen, nineteen, maybe twenty. That’s how it was. We were kids. And he’s a kid, how he talks, how he thinks. He’s good at it in the eyes, though. He’s got the eyes. I knew kids with those eyes.”
— Transcript I just found of a conversation with one of my grandfather’s friends (and a WWII vet) that veered into a tangent about the Captain America movie and Steve Rogers’ sexuality.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34428980641/for-avengers-captain-america-writers, posted on October 27, 2012
For Avengers/Captain America writers:
I just spoke to my grandfather’s bingo buddy, Retired Army Lieutenant R. L. from the previous quote about Steve’s sexuality. He’s delighted that people care what he thinks about Steve Rogers/Captain America, because he figured that no one would want him “making noise about their shiny new thing,” and has offered that if anyone wants to know something in particular about Cap and his era from someone who fought in that war and remembers the original comic books coming out, he’s quite willing to answer a few questions that aren’t readily googleable. With the caveat that “I swore I’d take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean mostly there.”
SA
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34446271801/yeah-okay-you-had-a-discussion-with-a-wwii-vet/ An anonymous ask, answered on October 27, 2012
Anonymous asked: Yeah OKAY you had a discussion with a WWII vet about Captain America's sexuality, and were somehow able to ask this vet if he wouldn't mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war. Like huh? Some of the stuff you post is just ridiculous.
Well, certainly, I can see how it would be very confusing and ridiculous for all parties involved if I were to just walk up to a random vet, ask questions about Steve Rogers’ sex life, and then ask if he “wouldn’t mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war.”
Fortunately, what happened is a lot less ridiculous.
Prior to the sudden attack of pancreitis this spring which took him from healthy to dead in the course of a few days, my grandfather was an incredibly healthy man in his mid nineties who lead a very active and social life. A large part of that life was his best peer friend, R.L., whom he had met through the weekly Chick Fil A senior citizen’s breakfast bingo back in 2006. They did bingo and the YMCA Silver Sneakers program together, along with golf, movies, the senior discount day at various restaurants, puzzles, trips to Best Buy to play with the toys that science fiction hadn’t dreamed of when they were kids, and coed-watching on Duke of Glouchester street near the William and Mary campus. R.L. was a veteran of WWII, and my father even accompanied him on Honor Flight two years ago.
Shortly after my grandfather’s death, R.L. came to the house to look through and collect some of his things that the will had given him the option for, as well as some of the puzzles and paintings they had been working on together. I was visiting for a roughly 10 day span, and was put in charge of helping him, along with being handed an actual cassette deck to record pieces of reminiscence and quotes to be used at my grandfather’s funeral. It wound up being most of the day, with me recording occasionally, but mostly just talking, and about halfway through, we found a bag from Best Buy from one of their excursions. It held the Captain America movie, which had been on sale in connection to Avengers promotions, and which they had intended to watch, finding it amusing that something that had been such cheesy propaganda was now some big money Hollywood thing…as if when we were old, there was a multi million dollar blockbuster about DARE. He asked if we could watch it, and of course I said yes. We did, and we talked a lot throughout, I recorded occasionally, and I gave the tape to my parents when the day was done.
No pun intended, but fast forward six months. I’m going through the storage closet for lanterns and sleeping bags in preparation for Sandy and I come across the tapes and cassette deck. I’ve just recently found, re-posted, and listened to an old Daydcast, and I’m in the right mood to listen to R.L. The vast majority of it is personal to our family, but there is one small section I think fandom might find interesting that occurred right after I rolled my eyes at the “do you fondue?” exchange. So I post it, both to Tumblr and Facebook. The response, particularly in the latter, is positive.
Saturday morning is Chick Fil A bingo. Chick Fil A is right up the street from our house and across from Home Depot. My father wants to get waterproofing tape, and I ask if we can swing by and I can say hi to R.L. We do, I do, and I tell him that hey, remember how he said no one would want to hear him “making noise about the shiny new thing”? Well, they did. They thought it was cool. He asked who. I said “my internet friends.” He laughed and shook his head and said “well, if there’s anything else they want to hear me fart on about with Cap and all that, lemme know, but not everything. I swore to take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean most of the way.” He then got a four corners and won a three piece chicken mini. My father honked the horn, and I promised I’d make sure to include the caveat, hugged him, and bought waterproofing tape, then hopped quickly on Tumblr and Facebook again.
Does that clear up the ridiculousness for you a little?
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34446271801/yeah-okay-you-had-a-discussion-with-a-wwii-vet/ An anonymous ask, answered on October 27, 2012
Anonymous asked: Yeah OKAY you had a discussion with a WWII vet about Captain America's sexuality, and were somehow able to ask this vet if he wouldn't mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war. Like huh? Some of the stuff you post is just ridiculous.
Well, certainly, I can see how it would be very confusing and ridiculous for all parties involved if I were to just walk up to a random vet, ask questions about Steve Rogers’ sex life, and then ask if he “wouldn’t mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war.”
Fortunately, what happened is a lot less ridiculous.
Prior to the sudden attack of pancreitis this spring which took him from healthy to dead in the course of a few days, my grandfather was an incredibly healthy man in his mid nineties who lead a very active and social life. A large part of that life was his best peer friend, R.L., whom he had met through the weekly Chick Fil A senior citizen’s breakfast bingo back in 2006. They did bingo and the YMCA Silver Sneakers program together, along with golf, movies, the senior discount day at various restaurants, puzzles, trips to Best Buy to play with the toys that science fiction hadn’t dreamed of when they were kids, and coed-watching on Duke of Glouchester street near the William and Mary campus. R.L. was a veteran of WWII, and my father even accompanied him on Honor Flight two years ago.
Shortly after my grandfather’s death, R.L. came to the house to look through and collect some of his things that the will had given him the option for, as well as some of the puzzles and paintings they had been working on together. I was visiting for a roughly 10 day span, and was put in charge of helping him, along with being handed an actual cassette deck to record pieces of reminiscence and quotes to be used at my grandfather’s funeral. It wound up being most of the day, with me recording occasionally, but mostly just talking, and about halfway through, we found a bag from Best Buy from one of their excursions. It held the Captain America movie, which had been on sale in connection to Avengers promotions, and which they had intended to watch, finding it amusing that something that had been such cheesy propaganda was now some big money Hollywood thing…as if when we were old, there was a multi million dollar blockbuster about DARE. He asked if we could watch it, and of course I said yes. We did, and we talked a lot throughout, I recorded occasionally, and I gave the tape to my parents when the day was done.
No pun intended, but fast forward six months. I’m going through the storage closet for lanterns and sleeping bags in preparation for Sandy and I come across the tapes and cassette deck. I’ve just recently found, re-posted, and listened to an old Daydcast, and I’m in the right mood to listen to R.L. The vast majority of it is personal to our family, but there is one small section I think fandom might find interesting that occurred right after I rolled my eyes at the “do you fondue?” exchange. So I post it, both to Tumblr and Facebook. The response, particularly in the latter, is positive.
Saturday morning is Chick Fil A bingo. Chick Fil A is right up the street from our house and across from Home Depot. My father wants to get waterproofing tape, and I ask if we can swing by and I can say hi to R.L. We do, I do, and I tell him that hey, remember how he said no one would want to hear him “making noise about the shiny new thing”? Well, they did. They thought it was cool. He asked who. I said “my internet friends.” He laughed and shook his head and said “well, if there’s anything else they want to hear me fart on about with Cap and all that, lemme know, but not everything. I swore to take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean most of the way.” He then got a four corners and won a three piece chicken mini. My father honked the horn, and I promised I’d make sure to include the caveat, hugged him, and bought waterproofing tape, then hopped quickly on Tumblr and Facebook again.
Does that clear up the ridiculousness for you a little?
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34476119362/its-not-just-a-tony-is-twice-his-age-thing-or-a/, posted on October 28, 2012
“It’s not just a Tony-is-twice-his-age thing, or a 1940s thing, or some kind of purity of soul thing. It’s the kind of experiences they’ve had about their ideals and whether those mean shit. For Steve, life’s a thing where if you dream big enough and you’ve got a good enough heart, you get plucked off the streets to become a superhero who gets to fight the bad guys in a huge war where the good guys win and he gets to miss things like Okinawa, the atom bombs, and the concentration camps. For Tony, life’s a thing where when you and your crew invent tech that’s going to change the world and improve lives all the way from rich stockbrokers to starving kids in China, the only way to get it off your drawing boards is to please the rich stockbrokers by screwing over your own country and sending off to have it made by starving kids enslaved in China.”
— My friend Mark over chat, proving that 5am conversations can be the best (we were arguing House affiliations of the Avengers and he insisted that Tony and Steve were both Gryffindor, the latter just being a “dark, cynical, broken Gryffindor who has to drink to cope with himself."
“It’s not just a Tony-is-twice-his-age thing, or a 1940s thing, or some kind of purity of soul thing. It’s the kind of experiences they’ve had about their ideals and whether those mean shit. For Steve, life’s a thing where if you dream big enough and you’ve got a good enough heart, you get plucked off the streets to become a superhero who gets to fight the bad guys in a huge war where the good guys win and he gets to miss things like Okinawa, the atom bombs, and the concentration camps. For Tony, life’s a thing where when you and your crew invent tech that’s going to change the world and improve lives all the way from rich stockbrokers to starving kids in China, the only way to get it off your drawing boards is to please the rich stockbrokers by screwing over your own country and sending off to have it made by starving kids enslaved in China.”
— My friend Mark over chat, proving that 5am conversations can be the best (we were arguing House affiliations of the Avengers and he insisted that Tony and Steve were both Gryffindor, the latter just being a “dark, cynical, broken Gryffindor who has to drink to cope with himself."
Woman in the Walmart parking lot - Andy denies fat-shaming
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 09:47 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45673765927/im-really-disappointed-by-the-fat-shaming-in-the
>I'm really disappointed by the fat-shaming in the story of your recent misjudgment. I expected better of you.
Anonymous
I’m afraid I have to disagree with you that there was any fat-shaming involved. I went back and looked at everything I’ve said about it, and the only time I mentioned anything that could be seen as related to her weight actually had nothing to do with weight and everything to do with hygiene…and no, that kind of thing is NOT inevitable on larger women, nor do I find larger women gross. I’ve been with women bigger than her who have maintained their cleanliness better and very, very much enjoyed the encounters, and those who have watched my blog for a while know that when I reblog cheesecake pictures, they’re equally likely to be a beautiful woman of any size.
>I'm really disappointed by the fat-shaming in the story of your recent misjudgment. I expected better of you.
Anonymous
I’m afraid I have to disagree with you that there was any fat-shaming involved. I went back and looked at everything I’ve said about it, and the only time I mentioned anything that could be seen as related to her weight actually had nothing to do with weight and everything to do with hygiene…and no, that kind of thing is NOT inevitable on larger women, nor do I find larger women gross. I’ve been with women bigger than her who have maintained their cleanliness better and very, very much enjoyed the encounters, and those who have watched my blog for a while know that when I reblog cheesecake pictures, they’re equally likely to be a beautiful woman of any size.
Andy describes his being abusive as being a "Dark Gryffindor"
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 10:10 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45708704689/if-you-dont-go-in-for-general-fandom-pottermore
If you don't go in for general fandom/pottermore, what house do you consider yourself to be in within your own verse?
Anonymous
Gryffindor, absolutely, according to *this. I’m an idealist to the core, and it is my greatest strength and weakness, as is always the case. I’ve absolutely been Dark Gryffindor at times in my conviction that I was doing the Right Thing, and I’ve absolutely had my times of Light Gryffindor as well, which I’m always working to make more frequent.
*Link: http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/32450592797/a-comprehensive-daydverse-guide-to-sorting
If you don't go in for general fandom/pottermore, what house do you consider yourself to be in within your own verse?
Anonymous
Gryffindor, absolutely, according to *this. I’m an idealist to the core, and it is my greatest strength and weakness, as is always the case. I’ve absolutely been Dark Gryffindor at times in my conviction that I was doing the Right Thing, and I’ve absolutely had my times of Light Gryffindor as well, which I’m always working to make more frequent.
*Link: http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/32450592797/a-comprehensive-daydverse-guide-to-sorting
Andy says his Xtian conversative parents who "sheltered him" let him read Stephen King novels at 8
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 10:27 pm (UTC)(link)He also rewrites history (compare to his VB journal) and says he was interested in girls at the same age.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45749221084/what-would-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up-if-you
It’s funny that even with the “if you could be anything,” I had actually all typed out how I have to think about what my marketable skills are that have the best prospects of landing me a stable salaried job with good health coverage because my number one priority has to be keeping access to the ability to pay for my meds, or jack-all else can happen. And that career path is one where I do think I can be happy, and it’s what I’m going to be going to school for…but if I was allowed to be anything and could know I’d get to succeed?
It’s going to sound so stupid.
See, for about fifteen years, I haven’t had those kinds of dreams. I honestly, deeply believed I was going to die young, so I just happily burned the candle at all the ends, jokingly calling myself a “freelance superhero” and trying to help as many people as possible with varying degrees of success, doing this and that and whatever to keep just enough food in my mouth to survive…roof over my head optional.
But I recently found some things here at the house that my parents had been keeping since I was very young and that I had completely forgotten existed. See, when I was about 8-13, I pretty much lived on Dirk Pitt, Michael Crichton, Stephen King, and Tom Clancy novels and Star Trek tie-in novels. I wanted to write for Star Trek. Either novels or the show itself. And…um…ok, so maybe what I found were a couple of manuscripts and copies of a half-dozen spec scripts I submitted.
They were pretty good for a ten year old. I’d even go so far as to say not half bad for a teenager. But it’s no shock that they didn’t get picked up, especially since I Marty Stu’d HARD all over my blatant crushes on B’Elanna Torres and Kira Nerys.
I’ve been told repeatedly since starting the Daydverse that I should be a writer, and I’ve always said no, because I’m NOT good at “just make your own thing.” I have no plot bunnies for that kind of thing.
But give me a starting point? An established universe, but then let me add my own new characters and take the ones they have and run with them? Plots and arcs and character development and world expansion and mythos building? I’m actually kind of awesome at that. And apparently that’s been there for a long time. I just hadn’t considered it since, because my brain fell apart and I got fixated on what I could do for others and the idea that I was going to die.
Unfortunately, some of the choices that were made - regardless of my brain place when they were made - mean that I’ve got a better chance of flying to the moon by flapping than ever getting a job anywhere near television writing or franchise tie-in novels, and there are people who have committed themselves to making sure of that. But even if by some miracle I got an email tomorrow offering me two Supernatural tie-in novels and a position as a staff writer on a new NBC fantastic realism series, I’d still have to say no because of aforementioned need for a stable income and health care.
And I have my Daydverse, which makes me very happy, and even when I finish AP and even Oubliette, there’s enough characters that I can write on it as long as I want, even long after the last Daydian stops reading.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45749221084/what-would-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up-if-you
It’s funny that even with the “if you could be anything,” I had actually all typed out how I have to think about what my marketable skills are that have the best prospects of landing me a stable salaried job with good health coverage because my number one priority has to be keeping access to the ability to pay for my meds, or jack-all else can happen. And that career path is one where I do think I can be happy, and it’s what I’m going to be going to school for…but if I was allowed to be anything and could know I’d get to succeed?
It’s going to sound so stupid.
See, for about fifteen years, I haven’t had those kinds of dreams. I honestly, deeply believed I was going to die young, so I just happily burned the candle at all the ends, jokingly calling myself a “freelance superhero” and trying to help as many people as possible with varying degrees of success, doing this and that and whatever to keep just enough food in my mouth to survive…roof over my head optional.
But I recently found some things here at the house that my parents had been keeping since I was very young and that I had completely forgotten existed. See, when I was about 8-13, I pretty much lived on Dirk Pitt, Michael Crichton, Stephen King, and Tom Clancy novels and Star Trek tie-in novels. I wanted to write for Star Trek. Either novels or the show itself. And…um…ok, so maybe what I found were a couple of manuscripts and copies of a half-dozen spec scripts I submitted.
They were pretty good for a ten year old. I’d even go so far as to say not half bad for a teenager. But it’s no shock that they didn’t get picked up, especially since I Marty Stu’d HARD all over my blatant crushes on B’Elanna Torres and Kira Nerys.
I’ve been told repeatedly since starting the Daydverse that I should be a writer, and I’ve always said no, because I’m NOT good at “just make your own thing.” I have no plot bunnies for that kind of thing.
But give me a starting point? An established universe, but then let me add my own new characters and take the ones they have and run with them? Plots and arcs and character development and world expansion and mythos building? I’m actually kind of awesome at that. And apparently that’s been there for a long time. I just hadn’t considered it since, because my brain fell apart and I got fixated on what I could do for others and the idea that I was going to die.
Unfortunately, some of the choices that were made - regardless of my brain place when they were made - mean that I’ve got a better chance of flying to the moon by flapping than ever getting a job anywhere near television writing or franchise tie-in novels, and there are people who have committed themselves to making sure of that. But even if by some miracle I got an email tomorrow offering me two Supernatural tie-in novels and a position as a staff writer on a new NBC fantastic realism series, I’d still have to say no because of aforementioned need for a stable income and health care.
And I have my Daydverse, which makes me very happy, and even when I finish AP and even Oubliette, there’s enough characters that I can write on it as long as I want, even long after the last Daydian stops reading.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45776725014/yes-they-do-all-people-deserve-sympathy-and
[Image description: Flashing gif saying 'RAPISTS DO NOT DESERVE SYMPATHY']
Yes they do. All people deserve sympathy and compassion. Yes, even rapists. Yes, even them. And them. And that guy. And the victim.
Victims do not deserve to have the legal repercussions of their rapist’s crimes treated as unfair things that befell them as if they had done nothing wrong.
Victims do not deserve to see it reinforced by the media what their attackers told them - that they matter less than the wants and needs and urges of others who happen to be boys and popular and play football.
Victims do not deserve to see all the focus be put on how this will affect the rapists’ lives and not how theirs has already been torn apart.
Victims do not deserve to see no worry extended towards their future.
Victims do not deserve to see a dozen justifications given that implicitly make their rape ok.
Victims do not deserve to see their pain minimized.
Victims do not deserve to be blamed for their own assaults and the shaming of those assaults.
Victims do not deserve to have been assaulted.
Victims do not deserve to be shamed.
Rapists do not deserve to be excused of their crime because they are “good” people or good at sports or well-liked.
But rapists do deserve sympathy.
Because if we treat them without it, we reinforce the very thing that lead to the rape in the first place; the idea that there are humans who matter and humans who don’t, and that something a human does can make them arbitrarily change category. Just locking them up - much less doing so and wishing more brutality upon them like the people I’ve seen hoping they’re themselves raped in prison - does nothing to change the problem.
Punish them, yes. Make them understand that the consequences of their act are terrible. But then give them every sympathy - not every leniency - and help them see that such as their pain is, and such as you recognize its hugeness, it is nothing compared to what they inflicted.
Because if you tell them they’re just monsters, you’re giving them and everyone an excuse to brush them aside and let the real reasons they did what they did continue.
Tell them they are human and so is the girl they attacked, one and the same. Tell them what she has gone through since they assaulted her. Teach them about rape culture, about slut-shaming, about the system that lied to them that behavior was ever ok. Teach them that they aren’t the victims of the court or the judge or “that bitch” or feminists or hormones or alcohol or random bad luck or YouTube, but what the real hurtful thing is, and let them become powerful voices in the fight against it, let them do strong work to rebuild their victim’s life and that of many other women and be a voice that maybe other young men like them will listen to when they talk about the lies that stole their promising futures.
Rapists deserve sympathy because they are human.
Victims deserve sympathy because they are human.
And if we all saw each other as human, there would be a lot fewer of both rapists and victims, which I believe is the real objective far more than the fleeting satisfaction of hurting someone back.
[Image description: Flashing gif saying 'RAPISTS DO NOT DESERVE SYMPATHY']
Yes they do. All people deserve sympathy and compassion. Yes, even rapists. Yes, even them. And them. And that guy. And the victim.
Victims do not deserve to have the legal repercussions of their rapist’s crimes treated as unfair things that befell them as if they had done nothing wrong.
Victims do not deserve to see it reinforced by the media what their attackers told them - that they matter less than the wants and needs and urges of others who happen to be boys and popular and play football.
Victims do not deserve to see all the focus be put on how this will affect the rapists’ lives and not how theirs has already been torn apart.
Victims do not deserve to see no worry extended towards their future.
Victims do not deserve to see a dozen justifications given that implicitly make their rape ok.
Victims do not deserve to see their pain minimized.
Victims do not deserve to be blamed for their own assaults and the shaming of those assaults.
Victims do not deserve to have been assaulted.
Victims do not deserve to be shamed.
Rapists do not deserve to be excused of their crime because they are “good” people or good at sports or well-liked.
But rapists do deserve sympathy.
Because if we treat them without it, we reinforce the very thing that lead to the rape in the first place; the idea that there are humans who matter and humans who don’t, and that something a human does can make them arbitrarily change category. Just locking them up - much less doing so and wishing more brutality upon them like the people I’ve seen hoping they’re themselves raped in prison - does nothing to change the problem.
Punish them, yes. Make them understand that the consequences of their act are terrible. But then give them every sympathy - not every leniency - and help them see that such as their pain is, and such as you recognize its hugeness, it is nothing compared to what they inflicted.
Because if you tell them they’re just monsters, you’re giving them and everyone an excuse to brush them aside and let the real reasons they did what they did continue.
Tell them they are human and so is the girl they attacked, one and the same. Tell them what she has gone through since they assaulted her. Teach them about rape culture, about slut-shaming, about the system that lied to them that behavior was ever ok. Teach them that they aren’t the victims of the court or the judge or “that bitch” or feminists or hormones or alcohol or random bad luck or YouTube, but what the real hurtful thing is, and let them become powerful voices in the fight against it, let them do strong work to rebuild their victim’s life and that of many other women and be a voice that maybe other young men like them will listen to when they talk about the lies that stole their promising futures.
Rapists deserve sympathy because they are human.
Victims deserve sympathy because they are human.
And if we all saw each other as human, there would be a lot fewer of both rapists and victims, which I believe is the real objective far more than the fleeting satisfaction of hurting someone back.
Andy's biggest fault is that he's too damn selfless -- and it's also why he abused his victims
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 12:04 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45958875394/sorry-if-this-has-been-asked-before-but-who-out-of
I have some experiences in common with the Winchesters in terms of that off-the-grid lifestyle (and the delightful experience of treating your own bullet wounds) and I find Castiel to be a nearly orgasmic mental exercise which is why I enjoy RPing him, but I guess it would have to be Dean (though I really don’t tightly identify with any of them) because the source of all the stupidest, most hurtful things I’ve ever done in my life has been putting other people ahead of everything - including common sense - and many years of only valuing myself in terms of what I can do for others.
I have some experiences in common with the Winchesters in terms of that off-the-grid lifestyle (and the delightful experience of treating your own bullet wounds) and I find Castiel to be a nearly orgasmic mental exercise which is why I enjoy RPing him, but I guess it would have to be Dean (though I really don’t tightly identify with any of them) because the source of all the stupidest, most hurtful things I’ve ever done in my life has been putting other people ahead of everything - including common sense - and many years of only valuing myself in terms of what I can do for others.
Andy says if you're too thin, guys will only want to give you a sandwich
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 01:27 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46228057284/look-your-body-is-yours-and-should-be-whatever
Look, your body is yours and should be whatever makes YOU happy and healthy
But I keep seeing these “thinspo” posts go by on my dash claiming that if you don’t starve yourself into this
[Image description: Extremely thin runway model]
no guy will ever stare longingly at you, ask you out, want to date you, or want to have sex with you. No. That’s so not true. SO not true. Just - I can’t believe I’m going to say this in the context of positive body image - go browse some porn. I don’t even have to say porn made for straight men because that’s 99% of it featuring women anyway. That skeletal girl? Will be classified as “fetish”. And no, all guys don’t like the same thing by a long shot. Men’s tastes are as diverse as women’s, but there is still such a thing as majority, and what you’ll see appealing to that majority is stuff like this, and it ain’t no 92lbs:
[Image description: Glamour shot of a model with large buttocks]
Like I said, porn girls are NOT to be seen as role models for what the female body is supposed to look like, but if you’re trying to starve yourself into the first one because you think if enough of your ribs jut out far enough, all the boys in ever will come flooding out of the woodwork to beg to be your boyfriend and tell you how hot and sexy and gorgeous you are? Maybe you should reconsider.
And again, your self worth really, really, really shouldn’t be defined by the male gaze. But at the same time, I just can’t stand seeing one more post outright lying to girls that the only way to make boys want them is to starve themselves into something that the vast majority of guys I know - myself included - would want only in the context of wanting to give a sandwich to.
Tagged: trigger warning, eating disorders, body image, starvation, male gaze.
Look, your body is yours and should be whatever makes YOU happy and healthy
But I keep seeing these “thinspo” posts go by on my dash claiming that if you don’t starve yourself into this
[Image description: Extremely thin runway model]
no guy will ever stare longingly at you, ask you out, want to date you, or want to have sex with you. No. That’s so not true. SO not true. Just - I can’t believe I’m going to say this in the context of positive body image - go browse some porn. I don’t even have to say porn made for straight men because that’s 99% of it featuring women anyway. That skeletal girl? Will be classified as “fetish”. And no, all guys don’t like the same thing by a long shot. Men’s tastes are as diverse as women’s, but there is still such a thing as majority, and what you’ll see appealing to that majority is stuff like this, and it ain’t no 92lbs:
[Image description: Glamour shot of a model with large buttocks]
Like I said, porn girls are NOT to be seen as role models for what the female body is supposed to look like, but if you’re trying to starve yourself into the first one because you think if enough of your ribs jut out far enough, all the boys in ever will come flooding out of the woodwork to beg to be your boyfriend and tell you how hot and sexy and gorgeous you are? Maybe you should reconsider.
And again, your self worth really, really, really shouldn’t be defined by the male gaze. But at the same time, I just can’t stand seeing one more post outright lying to girls that the only way to make boys want them is to starve themselves into something that the vast majority of guys I know - myself included - would want only in the context of wanting to give a sandwich to.
Tagged: trigger warning, eating disorders, body image, starvation, male gaze.
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