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Andy rambles about his "Irish" grandfather, the IRA & his HP application
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 05:18 am (UTC)(link)http://oi46.tinypic.com/nv8nrs.jpg
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1231688.html?thread=207240520#t207240520
No offense taken! I am aware that there's a bit of fuss about me in certain quarters, most of it stemming from luvscharlie's journal, though that doesn't particularly bother me, as I don't think there are many adults who don't have at least one bitter ex, even if they don't usually share a fandom.
1. I am a United States citizen, born just outside of Richmond, but wholly Irish by blood and raised rurally, including homeschooling, with very little childhood peer contact by my Irish-born-and-bred-lived-in-Belfast-until-he-was-in-his-30s Irish grandfather, who reared me as an Irishman with the intent of wanting to send me back to Ireland for college and to finish some personal business that he never got to. I also lived in Ireland myself for a fair while, and between the two, I consider myself a dual citizen by practicality if not on paper, and my brogue is quite real, though I hid it for a portion of my teen years and into my early twenties out of a desire to fit in. I have since said fuck it to fitting in, I'm going to be myself. Considering we have a president who no longer goes by "Barry," I don't think this is that unusual.
2. Yes, I have fought with both the RHD and RIRA, because I wanted to see both sides for myself before committing myself blindly to 'the cause.' What did I learn? They're both wrong. A lot of that experience, actually, I used later in writing my second HP fan-novel, "Sluagh." I did not save a woman from a typhoon, I left the hotel where I was sheltering from one (they're no more uncommon than hurricanes during certain seasons in the Pacific, and are, in fact, the same thing, just named differently) and went out into one because I thought I heard a woman screaming, as I said in the app. Brave to the point of stupidity. It was just the wind, and all I got was drenched and screamed at by a cop. I haven't just had things happen to me, I have deliberately sought them out...I spent from the age of 15-24 living at the top of my lungs as recklessly as possible, because I know I don't have long, so I'm not afraid of dying, and I want to get in as many things as possible that most people wouldn't dare to do as both my way of coping and because I don't have to worry about long-term consequences.
Was I serious in my app? Yes, and although my purpose wasn't to offend, I didn't try NOT to, either. I'm very in-your-face, with a tendency to be blunt and opinionated in a way that sometimes works well in groups and sometimes doesn't. It's a particular wild card when those groups are majority female. Ergo, rather than tip-toeing in carefully and then either not having fun because I was constantly watching my mouth or stepping on everyone's toes and making the comm no fun for ANYONE, I was completely up-front not only about who I am, but also how I come at things. I don't like jumping through hoops for hoops' sake, I don't like letter of the law, and I like to be in charge of my own destiny (the latter being why I cannot and do not RP...having to negotiate with a dozen other people as to where a plot was going would drive me bonkers.)
My app wasn't "what house do I go in" as much as it was "do I fit with this community?" Answer was no, so no problem. Glad to know at the door, 'tis why I knocked.
My IQ? It's a number. *shrug* I got tested at the suggestion of my pediatrician when I was seven, that's the result. I've never honestly bothered to find out precisely what it means other than 'quite high', but that much is, no offense, patently obvious from how easily I learn and retain things.
As for faking my death, really, what would I have to gain from that? I'm a reasonably popular writer and artist, with a wide-ranging 'verse that could be continued indefinitely. It's not like I'm lacking for attention, nor getting any in particular because I happen to have a heart condition. Heck, there are several people on my flist with serious health problems, even terminal ones. It just wouldn't make sense.
If you have any other questions, though, don't hesitate to ask. I have nothing to hide.
Andy
PS: Actually, I'm just this side of flat broke, can't make heads or tails of non-integer math, don't know who Jack Baeur is (though I've heard the name before), scream like a girl at spiders, am a baby when I've got a head cold, and although decently good-looking in a bishie sort of way, male supermodels don't exactly have much to fear from my 5'8" scrawny, bespectacled ass. Although I do have a real-life lightning scar on my forehead, and that I can prove with pictures ;-)
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1231688.html?thread=207240520#t207240520
No offense taken! I am aware that there's a bit of fuss about me in certain quarters, most of it stemming from luvscharlie's journal, though that doesn't particularly bother me, as I don't think there are many adults who don't have at least one bitter ex, even if they don't usually share a fandom.
1. I am a United States citizen, born just outside of Richmond, but wholly Irish by blood and raised rurally, including homeschooling, with very little childhood peer contact by my Irish-born-and-bred-lived-in-Belfast-until-he-was-in-his-30s Irish grandfather, who reared me as an Irishman with the intent of wanting to send me back to Ireland for college and to finish some personal business that he never got to. I also lived in Ireland myself for a fair while, and between the two, I consider myself a dual citizen by practicality if not on paper, and my brogue is quite real, though I hid it for a portion of my teen years and into my early twenties out of a desire to fit in. I have since said fuck it to fitting in, I'm going to be myself. Considering we have a president who no longer goes by "Barry," I don't think this is that unusual.
2. Yes, I have fought with both the RHD and RIRA, because I wanted to see both sides for myself before committing myself blindly to 'the cause.' What did I learn? They're both wrong. A lot of that experience, actually, I used later in writing my second HP fan-novel, "Sluagh." I did not save a woman from a typhoon, I left the hotel where I was sheltering from one (they're no more uncommon than hurricanes during certain seasons in the Pacific, and are, in fact, the same thing, just named differently) and went out into one because I thought I heard a woman screaming, as I said in the app. Brave to the point of stupidity. It was just the wind, and all I got was drenched and screamed at by a cop. I haven't just had things happen to me, I have deliberately sought them out...I spent from the age of 15-24 living at the top of my lungs as recklessly as possible, because I know I don't have long, so I'm not afraid of dying, and I want to get in as many things as possible that most people wouldn't dare to do as both my way of coping and because I don't have to worry about long-term consequences.
Was I serious in my app? Yes, and although my purpose wasn't to offend, I didn't try NOT to, either. I'm very in-your-face, with a tendency to be blunt and opinionated in a way that sometimes works well in groups and sometimes doesn't. It's a particular wild card when those groups are majority female. Ergo, rather than tip-toeing in carefully and then either not having fun because I was constantly watching my mouth or stepping on everyone's toes and making the comm no fun for ANYONE, I was completely up-front not only about who I am, but also how I come at things. I don't like jumping through hoops for hoops' sake, I don't like letter of the law, and I like to be in charge of my own destiny (the latter being why I cannot and do not RP...having to negotiate with a dozen other people as to where a plot was going would drive me bonkers.)
My app wasn't "what house do I go in" as much as it was "do I fit with this community?" Answer was no, so no problem. Glad to know at the door, 'tis why I knocked.
My IQ? It's a number. *shrug* I got tested at the suggestion of my pediatrician when I was seven, that's the result. I've never honestly bothered to find out precisely what it means other than 'quite high', but that much is, no offense, patently obvious from how easily I learn and retain things.
As for faking my death, really, what would I have to gain from that? I'm a reasonably popular writer and artist, with a wide-ranging 'verse that could be continued indefinitely. It's not like I'm lacking for attention, nor getting any in particular because I happen to have a heart condition. Heck, there are several people on my flist with serious health problems, even terminal ones. It just wouldn't make sense.
If you have any other questions, though, don't hesitate to ask. I have nothing to hide.
Andy
PS: Actually, I'm just this side of flat broke, can't make heads or tails of non-integer math, don't know who Jack Baeur is (though I've heard the name before), scream like a girl at spiders, am a baby when I've got a head cold, and although decently good-looking in a bishie sort of way, male supermodels don't exactly have much to fear from my 5'8" scrawny, bespectacled ass. Although I do have a real-life lightning scar on my forehead, and that I can prove with pictures ;-)
You're fucked in the head. What you did to those people... god.
Anonymous
Obviously, without any kind of specifics, I can’t know what you’re talking about, and frankly, this kind of comment is right up there with “Freak, everyone hates you” or “Go fuck off and die in a fire” as far as likelihood of being plain old hate trolling.
That said, however, it is also an opening to say something I’ve said before and will say again to the end of time because people, especially young people, need to hear it.
I’ve fucked up. I’ve done stupid things. I’ve done awful things. I’ve got a past. I’ve been racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and ignorant. I’ve struggled with self-hatred, with other-hatred, with paranoia, with suicide, with depression, with anxiety, with other types of mental illness, and with trying desperately to find my way and my place in the world, to be loved and to survive, and I’ve epically cocked it up more than once. I’ve had to start my life over completely from scratch a good dozen times, and I’ve only just finished my 20s. I’ve betrayed people and been betrayed. I’ve broken promises and had promised broken to me. I’ve hurt people badly, and I’ve been hurt BY people badly.
And I’ve gotten past it.
I’ve gotten help. I’ve gotten support. I’ve gotten meds when I’ve needed them, and I’ve gotten a lot of therapy. I’ve educated myself and been educated by others. I’ve given forgiveness completely in my heart and accepted it when offered. I’ve made peace with those who have indicated they are open to it and walked away from those who have indicated they want me to leave them alone. I have accepted that there will be those who never forgive me, and for whom everything I do in my present and future will be seen through the blackened lens of my past, and I refuse to allow that to make me despair or think there is no point to doing my best now.
Because there is always a point. There is no such thing as a hole that’s too deep. There is no one who is irredeemable. What you were does not have to define or control what you are or can or will be.
I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I know I’m better than I used to be. I know that I’m starting to live the potential everyone always said I had, and to disprove, even if only to myself, the hatred that people have flung my way. I’ve learned not to care about what people say or think about me if it’s not true, and to concentrate on what is and on trying to do the right thing. I’ve worked to correct the things where the “haters” were right and not allowed myself to be broken by the things where they were wrong.
And I’m prouder of that than if I’d simply been “good” from the beginning.
(And PS: Anon? Don’t believe everything you read on the internet about someone. Obama’s not a Muslim from Kenya who wants to kill your grandmother, either.)
[posted October 5th, 2012]
Anonymous
Obviously, without any kind of specifics, I can’t know what you’re talking about, and frankly, this kind of comment is right up there with “Freak, everyone hates you” or “Go fuck off and die in a fire” as far as likelihood of being plain old hate trolling.
That said, however, it is also an opening to say something I’ve said before and will say again to the end of time because people, especially young people, need to hear it.
I’ve fucked up. I’ve done stupid things. I’ve done awful things. I’ve got a past. I’ve been racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and ignorant. I’ve struggled with self-hatred, with other-hatred, with paranoia, with suicide, with depression, with anxiety, with other types of mental illness, and with trying desperately to find my way and my place in the world, to be loved and to survive, and I’ve epically cocked it up more than once. I’ve had to start my life over completely from scratch a good dozen times, and I’ve only just finished my 20s. I’ve betrayed people and been betrayed. I’ve broken promises and had promised broken to me. I’ve hurt people badly, and I’ve been hurt BY people badly.
And I’ve gotten past it.
I’ve gotten help. I’ve gotten support. I’ve gotten meds when I’ve needed them, and I’ve gotten a lot of therapy. I’ve educated myself and been educated by others. I’ve given forgiveness completely in my heart and accepted it when offered. I’ve made peace with those who have indicated they are open to it and walked away from those who have indicated they want me to leave them alone. I have accepted that there will be those who never forgive me, and for whom everything I do in my present and future will be seen through the blackened lens of my past, and I refuse to allow that to make me despair or think there is no point to doing my best now.
Because there is always a point. There is no such thing as a hole that’s too deep. There is no one who is irredeemable. What you were does not have to define or control what you are or can or will be.
I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I know I’m better than I used to be. I know that I’m starting to live the potential everyone always said I had, and to disprove, even if only to myself, the hatred that people have flung my way. I’ve learned not to care about what people say or think about me if it’s not true, and to concentrate on what is and on trying to do the right thing. I’ve worked to correct the things where the “haters” were right and not allowed myself to be broken by the things where they were wrong.
And I’m prouder of that than if I’d simply been “good” from the beginning.
(And PS: Anon? Don’t believe everything you read on the internet about someone. Obama’s not a Muslim from Kenya who wants to kill your grandmother, either.)
[posted October 5th, 2012]
link to original: http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/32958566690/youre-fucked-in-the-head-what-you-did-to-those
Not me, not in my name, and I’m so sorry
Yes, I’m aware about the most recent edition of the wankstorm.
(cut for those of you who want to stay out of it)
No, I did not start it on purpose. Actually, I was incredibly happy that it seemed for a while that everyone had said their piece and was doing well in their lives. I felt like there was, if not maybe (I don’t know if there ever completely can be) closure, at least detente. I responded, unwisely and uncautiously, to someone who was just trying to provoke anger and hurt, and I empowered them to do so beyond their wildest dreams.
In the course of my answer, I said that the most disastrous relationship of my life got sexual when I was 17. Other shit that was going on in my life at the time sure as fuck seemed to line up with 17 from this end. I’ve been saying it that way for years without any wank coming of it. Other people are saying 18. Frankly, I wouldn’t swear to it in a court of law either way because that whole 16-25 time, there are literally MONTHS at a stretch I don’t remember at all (and I had been fairly heavily sexually active - which was NOT a good thing - since I was 14, so we’re not talking about remembering losing my virginity here).
NO, I was NOT trying to make some sneaky technicality accusation of “omg underage” to paint someone as a child molester. The point of that answer was that I wasn’t an adult taking advantage of a kid and that actually, my partner was the older one by far, and I should have just phrased it that way or ignored it completely. I’m willing to concede the exact technicality of the age as I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. At the time, I answered the ask as one of the many many many I get every day and moved on, thinking nothing of it.
Next thing I know, there’s shit flying everywhere. At no time did I ask anyone to post anything on my behalf, nor to defend me. Everyone posting was doing so wholly of their own accord and for their own reasons. I stayed, actually, as completely out of it as I could. I’m saddened by some of the behavior I’ve seen on both sides, and others has given me hope for human decency even under extreme disagreement, but that’s not the point either.
The reason I’m posting this now is that it has been brought to my attention that at least one of the people who was most hurt in all this believes that I deliberately caused it as a horrible response to recent positive developments in their life. That, to quote GoT, “A day will come when you think you’re safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”
And while I don’t think of this person as my worst enemy or really any kind of enemy at all, so it wouldn’t be fair to use that cliche, I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I understand why they would feel that way. I’ve felt that way too, a lot of the time. It is a horrible, horrible way to feel, and it sucks the joy out of all your best moments as you wait for the world to drop out from under you. The notification of a message becomes something that freezes your heart, you feel sick all the time, your skin feels too tight, you dream about it. I understand that it’s pretty much entirely my fault that they feel this way, and that one of the long-lasting repercussions of the incredibly fucked up mess I put them through was the feeling that no matter what they do or don’t do, that any minute, everything can go to hell. I am so, so, so sorry that this penguin got poked. I hate that they’re hurting right now, I would do anything to give them back their joy in your recent life’s accomplishments for the last few days, and I feel it’s very, very important to do anything I can to maybe give them back a sliver of a sense of security in saying NO, I did NOT set this off as any form of attack on anyone.
To anyone who is “on my side” and willing to listen to me: you are totally within your rights to make your own decisions for things concerning you, but if it’s “in my name,” please, consider this a public declaration of cease fire. Never again, ok? As far as I’m concerned, whatever the fuck people want to say about me, if it’s not about you, let them say it. I’ll fight my own battles or I’ll choose not to fight them.
I have since made the public choice and statement that I will no longer be answering ANY Anons about the wank situation, and I will be answering named requests privately. This is to maintain a middle ground where hopefully I can still address legitimate questions and concerns while not giving assholes the power to come and kick old wounds and start new fires whenever they get bored. If you are someone who feels like they have actually been hurt by me (rather than an “interested bystander”) and there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
I know that my promises mean shit to the people I’ve hurt before, and that’s entirely fair and entirely their right. But for what it’s worth to ANYONE, I will NEVER deliberately stir wank, I will NEVER use anyone else to fight my battles for me - though if you go to THEM or say shit about THEM, they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want and I won’t stop them - and if you walk away and say you want to be done, I will NEVER pursue. I have NEVER contacted, Anon or otherwise - including through third parties - anyone who has told me to leave them alone. I want this to be over, as it should have been seven years ago when we actually split up. I want people to heal. I want lives to move on. I don’t want to re-hurt anyone, and I want the people I’ve hurt to be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry that this happened, sorry for the pain it’s caused all concerned, for old pain that it’s resurfaced, and for anything I could have done differently.
Posted 1 year ago
7 notes
Tagged: wank.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/81306105451/not-me-not-in-my-name-and-im-so-sorry
Yes, I’m aware about the most recent edition of the wankstorm.
(cut for those of you who want to stay out of it)
No, I did not start it on purpose. Actually, I was incredibly happy that it seemed for a while that everyone had said their piece and was doing well in their lives. I felt like there was, if not maybe (I don’t know if there ever completely can be) closure, at least detente. I responded, unwisely and uncautiously, to someone who was just trying to provoke anger and hurt, and I empowered them to do so beyond their wildest dreams.
In the course of my answer, I said that the most disastrous relationship of my life got sexual when I was 17. Other shit that was going on in my life at the time sure as fuck seemed to line up with 17 from this end. I’ve been saying it that way for years without any wank coming of it. Other people are saying 18. Frankly, I wouldn’t swear to it in a court of law either way because that whole 16-25 time, there are literally MONTHS at a stretch I don’t remember at all (and I had been fairly heavily sexually active - which was NOT a good thing - since I was 14, so we’re not talking about remembering losing my virginity here).
NO, I was NOT trying to make some sneaky technicality accusation of “omg underage” to paint someone as a child molester. The point of that answer was that I wasn’t an adult taking advantage of a kid and that actually, my partner was the older one by far, and I should have just phrased it that way or ignored it completely. I’m willing to concede the exact technicality of the age as I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. At the time, I answered the ask as one of the many many many I get every day and moved on, thinking nothing of it.
Next thing I know, there’s shit flying everywhere. At no time did I ask anyone to post anything on my behalf, nor to defend me. Everyone posting was doing so wholly of their own accord and for their own reasons. I stayed, actually, as completely out of it as I could. I’m saddened by some of the behavior I’ve seen on both sides, and others has given me hope for human decency even under extreme disagreement, but that’s not the point either.
The reason I’m posting this now is that it has been brought to my attention that at least one of the people who was most hurt in all this believes that I deliberately caused it as a horrible response to recent positive developments in their life. That, to quote GoT, “A day will come when you think you’re safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”
And while I don’t think of this person as my worst enemy or really any kind of enemy at all, so it wouldn’t be fair to use that cliche, I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I understand why they would feel that way. I’ve felt that way too, a lot of the time. It is a horrible, horrible way to feel, and it sucks the joy out of all your best moments as you wait for the world to drop out from under you. The notification of a message becomes something that freezes your heart, you feel sick all the time, your skin feels too tight, you dream about it. I understand that it’s pretty much entirely my fault that they feel this way, and that one of the long-lasting repercussions of the incredibly fucked up mess I put them through was the feeling that no matter what they do or don’t do, that any minute, everything can go to hell. I am so, so, so sorry that this penguin got poked. I hate that they’re hurting right now, I would do anything to give them back their joy in your recent life’s accomplishments for the last few days, and I feel it’s very, very important to do anything I can to maybe give them back a sliver of a sense of security in saying NO, I did NOT set this off as any form of attack on anyone.
To anyone who is “on my side” and willing to listen to me: you are totally within your rights to make your own decisions for things concerning you, but if it’s “in my name,” please, consider this a public declaration of cease fire. Never again, ok? As far as I’m concerned, whatever the fuck people want to say about me, if it’s not about you, let them say it. I’ll fight my own battles or I’ll choose not to fight them.
I have since made the public choice and statement that I will no longer be answering ANY Anons about the wank situation, and I will be answering named requests privately. This is to maintain a middle ground where hopefully I can still address legitimate questions and concerns while not giving assholes the power to come and kick old wounds and start new fires whenever they get bored. If you are someone who feels like they have actually been hurt by me (rather than an “interested bystander”) and there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
I know that my promises mean shit to the people I’ve hurt before, and that’s entirely fair and entirely their right. But for what it’s worth to ANYONE, I will NEVER deliberately stir wank, I will NEVER use anyone else to fight my battles for me - though if you go to THEM or say shit about THEM, they have the right to say whatever the fuck they want and I won’t stop them - and if you walk away and say you want to be done, I will NEVER pursue. I have NEVER contacted, Anon or otherwise - including through third parties - anyone who has told me to leave them alone. I want this to be over, as it should have been seven years ago when we actually split up. I want people to heal. I want lives to move on. I don’t want to re-hurt anyone, and I want the people I’ve hurt to be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry that this happened, sorry for the pain it’s caused all concerned, for old pain that it’s resurfaced, and for anything I could have done differently.
Posted 1 year ago
7 notes
Tagged: wank.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/81306105451/not-me-not-in-my-name-and-im-so-sorry
You say that you've contacted everyone you've wronged and apologized, but there are people who say you've wronged them and that you haven't done any such thing.
Anonymous
Actually, I’ve said that everyone I’ve wronged whom I’ve known, can find, and who didn’t tell me not to contact them again I have contacted and tried to apologize and make amends. That’s not me trying to weasel out of anything, that’s:
1. We’re talking about 2000-2007 primarily, with a handful of additional people from 2007-2011. That’s fourteen years back. Go ahead. WITHOUT throwing mental illness or anything else in the mix, I want you to think of everyone you’ve wronged in the last fourteen years. Make a list. Won’t be as big as my list because you weren’t apecrap crazy, but every human has a list. And I mean everything from “I cheated on them and toyed with their heart through five years of marriage after I knew I didn’t love them any more” all the way down to “I memorized their partner number and used their discount at a Starbucks out of town” or “I lied and told them I’d left the CD I borrowed in their mailbox when actually I’d lost it” to “I fed them a line of bullshit online about having a trigger because I didn’t want to admit that their prompt squicked me.” That group project in the college class you hated that you faked a stomach virus and ditched? Every person in it had better be on your list. And if you fucked up a big event like getting drunk and calling in a bomb threat that got the prom canceled? EVERYONE who was going to go, on the list. Plus their dates. And the firefighters and school admin staff.
2. Now promise me, hand on a stack of Bibles, you haven’t left anyone out. Oh, and by the way, that’s not even getting into butterfly effect or bystanders or the families of those people. So yeah, I’m gonna miss some people. Maybe even some really significant ones. If they come to me, I will happily apologize and make amends and apologize again for forgetting them.
3. Take another look at that list. You’ve got absolutely everyone’s Tumblr address, Facebook, and email, right? You can just start calling them up and doing your thing? Oh? You don’t? What do you mean you don’t know the full legal name and current online aliases of all those people? What do you mean “I only knew them as ‘Tracy’ or ‘Goatlicker222’ and the only results I can find for that are a 8 year out of date Angelfire page and a dead Myspace account? What do you mean, paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases often are dealing with other paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases? What do you mean you don’t necessarily remember the last names of all your friends from 10 years ago, or that some of them have since gotten married or otherwise changed those names? (And for bonus fun, let’s throw in that you might actually remember them by what your head said their “real” identity was. Or that if you remember that they died or moved away or whatever, that may not be true, because your memories do not store delusions and reality in different bins or conveniently mark them.). Or that even if you DO have their accurate names, that doesn’t always turn up shit-all on a Google search?
4. I’m sorry. I’m not hiring a private fucking detective to hunt down the person I borrowed $5 from in 2004 that I said was transit fare to see my brother in the hospital when I actually hadn’t had a cigarette in two days. Or that girl in Orlando with the doves tattoo on her wrist and the nose piercing that I told a COMPLETE crock of bullshit backstory to to seem cool, made out with, then gave a fake phone number to, because I don’t remember anything about her other than what I just said and what her skin smelled like, not even her name or what resort they were staying at or what day of the week it was.
5. As any good 12-step facilitator will tell you, apologies aren’t about you, they’re about the person you hurt, and respecting their boundaries is the MOST important thing. It doesn’t matter why you hurt them; whether it’s because you were an asshole, because you were mentally ill, an addict, whatever, your desire to feel better about yourself does not trump their right to have boundaries about you. If the last thing you heard from them was “I never want to fucking talk to you again, get out of my life” or any version thereof?
6. YOU DO NOT VIOLATE THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY. They. Said. No. It’s OVER.
You can post publicly that you’re sorry and willing to make amends to anyone who comes to you (which I have, over and over again) but even if they’re across the street from you, even if they’re in your fucking house, if you truly mean that you want to stop being a dick to them, step one is honoring what they told you. If you so much as cross the hall and say “Hey, I know you never wanted to hear from me again, but I’m sorry I -” Yeah. Guess what? You just screwed them over all over again, no matter how pretty the rest of your apology.
7. You were a toxic person to them. Everyone has the right to tell toxic people to go the fuck away forever and have that respected. Which does not mean “unless you really want to talk to me later for a totally good reason.” Fuck, I know there are people whom, if I ever saw or heard from them again, even seeing their name on an email in my inbox, I’d be so goddamned triggered that if they were apologizing on their knees and offering me a billion dollars my entire response would be fuck that shit why couldn’t you just have stayed gone, fuck your sorry fuck your money GO AWAY and let me try to move on. And I know I’m that person for other people.
8. Which means yeah, I’ve got a lot of people on my list whom I do know where they are and how I could contact them, but the last contact I had from or with them was a do not want. And by fucking God I will respect that until or unless the day they contact me. It’s not like I’ve made my contact information hard to find.
So if there are all these people saying I’ve wronged them (who are not Anons, because it’s so fascinating how there are plenty of people willing to say that I did everything shy of eat their daughter’s kitten in front of her poor tear-filled eyes on Anon but when I say “come to me off Anon and we’ll talk about it” nothing has ever come of it), tell them to come to me. Off Anon. And I’ll contact them and we’ll talk and I’ll apologize for having hurt them and ask what I can do to make up for it.
But there’s another thing here too, and again, this isn’t just talking about me, I’m talking about this because it’s true for everyone: just because you did thing X wrong does not give them carte blanche. You apologize for what you did, why you did it, and the reasonable ramifications and pain it caused them, not for what they think you did and why they think you did it. And just because they feel wronged does not necessarily make them right about everything. You have to walk a very careful line where you make up for what you did without becoming a victim or devaluing your actual issues by taking “responsibility” for things that aren’t true or aren’t fair.
I don’t care how many times the internet demands I apologize for supposedly causing a love triangle that got Brittany killed. I am not apologizing for something that fucking didn’t happen, not to anyone for any reason, no matter how much they’re hurting because of it. If I forgot your birthday and accidentally stood you up, I will apologize for forgetting it and that you sat an hour in that cafe alone and were upset and felt like I’d played a cruel prank on you. I will not apologize for playing a cruel prank on you, because that’s not true.
Likewise, while I’ll say I’m sorry it happened, I’m not going to accept responsibility that after this “prank,” you were so upset that you dropped out of school, gave away all your worldly goods, and went to live as a hermit in the woods because you could no longer trust in humanity and therefore lost your promising future as an astrophysicist with a full ride scholarship to Yale. It’s fair to ask me to pay the bill for your uneaten lunch at the cafe and your taxi ride to and from. It’s not fair to demand that I pay you a lifetime’s lost wages from the NASA rocket scientist you could have been if not for.
This can also extend to the restitution demands of victims who want an eye for an eye. People like me who have been mentally ill in certain ways have often, as I have, left a whole shit ton of heartbreak and fucked up lives behind them, as have a lot of addicts. There’s an alcoholic in one of my therapy groups who went shot for shot with one of his best friends and then fell asleep on the couch while said friend choked on his own vomit and died in his bathroom. When he apologized, the friend’s parents told him that if he was really sorry, he’d kill himself because their son didn’t get to live either.
That’s not ok and it’s not true. You do not have to kill yourself, give up your dreams, live the rest of your life alone and cold and miserable under the rock of shame, etc, because your victims demand it in revenge. The goal of offering restitution is making things better. If you took something that you can give back in any way, you give it back. Hurting yourself won’t give them anything back. You’re trying to make things right, and two wrongs are never the answer to that. And if the other person won’t accept that and continues demanding a pound of flesh, it is completely ok and right and good for you to just walk away.
One last thing. It’s common for people who are fucked up to be in super fucked up relationships and do dangerous and stupid things and to be in circles with a lot of other dangerous, fucked up people doing stupid things. You do not have any obligation to contact someone who is physically, mentally, or emotionally not safe for you, even to apologize. You do not have to contact your abuser because you stole from them and cheated on them. You do not have to contact the dealer you ratted on who has sworn to kill you if they ever find you to apologize for getting them into meth in the first place. You do not have to re-connect with toxic people to apologize for being a toxic person.
Not everyone is going to forgive you. Not everyone is going to offer reasonable terms. Not everyone is going to be satisfied with your apology. You’re never going to find everyone. You’re never going to remember everyone. You’re going to have to leave some stories at the point the other person closed the book, no matter how much you want to write an epilogue. You’re never going to be able to make it right for everyone.
Your only obligation is to try.
And I have tried. And still do.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/80809286813/you-say-that-youve-contacted-everyone-youve
Anonymous
Actually, I’ve said that everyone I’ve wronged whom I’ve known, can find, and who didn’t tell me not to contact them again I have contacted and tried to apologize and make amends. That’s not me trying to weasel out of anything, that’s:
1. We’re talking about 2000-2007 primarily, with a handful of additional people from 2007-2011. That’s fourteen years back. Go ahead. WITHOUT throwing mental illness or anything else in the mix, I want you to think of everyone you’ve wronged in the last fourteen years. Make a list. Won’t be as big as my list because you weren’t apecrap crazy, but every human has a list. And I mean everything from “I cheated on them and toyed with their heart through five years of marriage after I knew I didn’t love them any more” all the way down to “I memorized their partner number and used their discount at a Starbucks out of town” or “I lied and told them I’d left the CD I borrowed in their mailbox when actually I’d lost it” to “I fed them a line of bullshit online about having a trigger because I didn’t want to admit that their prompt squicked me.” That group project in the college class you hated that you faked a stomach virus and ditched? Every person in it had better be on your list. And if you fucked up a big event like getting drunk and calling in a bomb threat that got the prom canceled? EVERYONE who was going to go, on the list. Plus their dates. And the firefighters and school admin staff.
2. Now promise me, hand on a stack of Bibles, you haven’t left anyone out. Oh, and by the way, that’s not even getting into butterfly effect or bystanders or the families of those people. So yeah, I’m gonna miss some people. Maybe even some really significant ones. If they come to me, I will happily apologize and make amends and apologize again for forgetting them.
3. Take another look at that list. You’ve got absolutely everyone’s Tumblr address, Facebook, and email, right? You can just start calling them up and doing your thing? Oh? You don’t? What do you mean you don’t know the full legal name and current online aliases of all those people? What do you mean “I only knew them as ‘Tracy’ or ‘Goatlicker222’ and the only results I can find for that are a 8 year out of date Angelfire page and a dead Myspace account? What do you mean, paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases often are dealing with other paranoid fringe fandomish people using aliases? What do you mean you don’t necessarily remember the last names of all your friends from 10 years ago, or that some of them have since gotten married or otherwise changed those names? (And for bonus fun, let’s throw in that you might actually remember them by what your head said their “real” identity was. Or that if you remember that they died or moved away or whatever, that may not be true, because your memories do not store delusions and reality in different bins or conveniently mark them.). Or that even if you DO have their accurate names, that doesn’t always turn up shit-all on a Google search?
4. I’m sorry. I’m not hiring a private fucking detective to hunt down the person I borrowed $5 from in 2004 that I said was transit fare to see my brother in the hospital when I actually hadn’t had a cigarette in two days. Or that girl in Orlando with the doves tattoo on her wrist and the nose piercing that I told a COMPLETE crock of bullshit backstory to to seem cool, made out with, then gave a fake phone number to, because I don’t remember anything about her other than what I just said and what her skin smelled like, not even her name or what resort they were staying at or what day of the week it was.
5. As any good 12-step facilitator will tell you, apologies aren’t about you, they’re about the person you hurt, and respecting their boundaries is the MOST important thing. It doesn’t matter why you hurt them; whether it’s because you were an asshole, because you were mentally ill, an addict, whatever, your desire to feel better about yourself does not trump their right to have boundaries about you. If the last thing you heard from them was “I never want to fucking talk to you again, get out of my life” or any version thereof?
6. YOU DO NOT VIOLATE THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY. They. Said. No. It’s OVER.
You can post publicly that you’re sorry and willing to make amends to anyone who comes to you (which I have, over and over again) but even if they’re across the street from you, even if they’re in your fucking house, if you truly mean that you want to stop being a dick to them, step one is honoring what they told you. If you so much as cross the hall and say “Hey, I know you never wanted to hear from me again, but I’m sorry I -” Yeah. Guess what? You just screwed them over all over again, no matter how pretty the rest of your apology.
7. You were a toxic person to them. Everyone has the right to tell toxic people to go the fuck away forever and have that respected. Which does not mean “unless you really want to talk to me later for a totally good reason.” Fuck, I know there are people whom, if I ever saw or heard from them again, even seeing their name on an email in my inbox, I’d be so goddamned triggered that if they were apologizing on their knees and offering me a billion dollars my entire response would be fuck that shit why couldn’t you just have stayed gone, fuck your sorry fuck your money GO AWAY and let me try to move on. And I know I’m that person for other people.
8. Which means yeah, I’ve got a lot of people on my list whom I do know where they are and how I could contact them, but the last contact I had from or with them was a do not want. And by fucking God I will respect that until or unless the day they contact me. It’s not like I’ve made my contact information hard to find.
So if there are all these people saying I’ve wronged them (who are not Anons, because it’s so fascinating how there are plenty of people willing to say that I did everything shy of eat their daughter’s kitten in front of her poor tear-filled eyes on Anon but when I say “come to me off Anon and we’ll talk about it” nothing has ever come of it), tell them to come to me. Off Anon. And I’ll contact them and we’ll talk and I’ll apologize for having hurt them and ask what I can do to make up for it.
But there’s another thing here too, and again, this isn’t just talking about me, I’m talking about this because it’s true for everyone: just because you did thing X wrong does not give them carte blanche. You apologize for what you did, why you did it, and the reasonable ramifications and pain it caused them, not for what they think you did and why they think you did it. And just because they feel wronged does not necessarily make them right about everything. You have to walk a very careful line where you make up for what you did without becoming a victim or devaluing your actual issues by taking “responsibility” for things that aren’t true or aren’t fair.
I don’t care how many times the internet demands I apologize for supposedly causing a love triangle that got Brittany killed. I am not apologizing for something that fucking didn’t happen, not to anyone for any reason, no matter how much they’re hurting because of it. If I forgot your birthday and accidentally stood you up, I will apologize for forgetting it and that you sat an hour in that cafe alone and were upset and felt like I’d played a cruel prank on you. I will not apologize for playing a cruel prank on you, because that’s not true.
Likewise, while I’ll say I’m sorry it happened, I’m not going to accept responsibility that after this “prank,” you were so upset that you dropped out of school, gave away all your worldly goods, and went to live as a hermit in the woods because you could no longer trust in humanity and therefore lost your promising future as an astrophysicist with a full ride scholarship to Yale. It’s fair to ask me to pay the bill for your uneaten lunch at the cafe and your taxi ride to and from. It’s not fair to demand that I pay you a lifetime’s lost wages from the NASA rocket scientist you could have been if not for.
This can also extend to the restitution demands of victims who want an eye for an eye. People like me who have been mentally ill in certain ways have often, as I have, left a whole shit ton of heartbreak and fucked up lives behind them, as have a lot of addicts. There’s an alcoholic in one of my therapy groups who went shot for shot with one of his best friends and then fell asleep on the couch while said friend choked on his own vomit and died in his bathroom. When he apologized, the friend’s parents told him that if he was really sorry, he’d kill himself because their son didn’t get to live either.
That’s not ok and it’s not true. You do not have to kill yourself, give up your dreams, live the rest of your life alone and cold and miserable under the rock of shame, etc, because your victims demand it in revenge. The goal of offering restitution is making things better. If you took something that you can give back in any way, you give it back. Hurting yourself won’t give them anything back. You’re trying to make things right, and two wrongs are never the answer to that. And if the other person won’t accept that and continues demanding a pound of flesh, it is completely ok and right and good for you to just walk away.
One last thing. It’s common for people who are fucked up to be in super fucked up relationships and do dangerous and stupid things and to be in circles with a lot of other dangerous, fucked up people doing stupid things. You do not have any obligation to contact someone who is physically, mentally, or emotionally not safe for you, even to apologize. You do not have to contact your abuser because you stole from them and cheated on them. You do not have to contact the dealer you ratted on who has sworn to kill you if they ever find you to apologize for getting them into meth in the first place. You do not have to re-connect with toxic people to apologize for being a toxic person.
Not everyone is going to forgive you. Not everyone is going to offer reasonable terms. Not everyone is going to be satisfied with your apology. You’re never going to find everyone. You’re never going to remember everyone. You’re going to have to leave some stories at the point the other person closed the book, no matter how much you want to write an epilogue. You’re never going to be able to make it right for everyone.
Your only obligation is to try.
And I have tried. And still do.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/80809286813/you-say-that-youve-contacted-everyone-youve
Peg Kerr is an American fantasy author. She commented on Andy's writing of Snape here: http://pegkerr.dreamwidth.org/1298015.html?thread=10576223
At the entry, there's a comment from someone who claims to have been a friend of Andy's when he was in college. This person knew him when he still IDed as Amy and refers to him with female pronouns (so tw: genderfail).
Date: 2010-09-25 12:00 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Peg,
I just stumbled upon your post while looking for updates on Amy, and I don't think you could have hit the nail on the head any more soundly. My friends and I knew Amy before she was a man, hobbit, online presence, swindler, fanfic author with a following, or anybody's evil twin. Of course, we now follow her story with interest and astonishment. Amy began attending college with us when she was seventeen and quickly attached herself to the theater geeks, with whom I spent most of my time. It was immediately apparent that she was preternaturally intelligent and talented, admirably so, but that she was absolutely hopeless in the realm of social functioning. She'd been homeschooled all of her life and seemed sheltered by religious parents, so we assumed she'd simply not had adequate exposure to peers and would settle into college life more gracefully as time passed. After a short time, though, we started catching her in the middle of silly and sometimes outlandish lies that played up the extent of her societal isolation while growing up or confrontational scenes she'd witnessed in classes. We found her difficult to be around, but wondered if her problems didn't go deeper than a bad case of over parenting. Imagine our surprise when she first went missing, then reappeared as a male hobbit wanted by the law.
I've often wondered why Amy has never invested her considerable creativity and skill into original works for which she could legally garner income, but I very much share your suspicion that she does not create for the sake of creating, but as a means to submerge her reality inside a ready-made fantasy world that she can reimagine for herself. I found your thoughts on the Neville/Snape dichotomy so intriguing and I think you're absolutely right. She has little to no objectivity when it comes to Amy. Amy has become something she longs to sabotage and destroy. Thus, she similarly lacks objectivity in rendering Snape, despite having demonstrated a firm and fair grasp of the other characters she's adapted.
It's all quite sad, really. I'm sure she was flattered and honored by your praise/advise, but I'm afraid there's something so deeply troubled about her that all words of reason and help fail to sink in. For her sake (and the sake of those who get hurt in her charades), I hope that's not so.
At the entry, there's a comment from someone who claims to have been a friend of Andy's when he was in college. This person knew him when he still IDed as Amy and refers to him with female pronouns (so tw: genderfail).
Date: 2010-09-25 12:00 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Peg,
I just stumbled upon your post while looking for updates on Amy, and I don't think you could have hit the nail on the head any more soundly. My friends and I knew Amy before she was a man, hobbit, online presence, swindler, fanfic author with a following, or anybody's evil twin. Of course, we now follow her story with interest and astonishment. Amy began attending college with us when she was seventeen and quickly attached herself to the theater geeks, with whom I spent most of my time. It was immediately apparent that she was preternaturally intelligent and talented, admirably so, but that she was absolutely hopeless in the realm of social functioning. She'd been homeschooled all of her life and seemed sheltered by religious parents, so we assumed she'd simply not had adequate exposure to peers and would settle into college life more gracefully as time passed. After a short time, though, we started catching her in the middle of silly and sometimes outlandish lies that played up the extent of her societal isolation while growing up or confrontational scenes she'd witnessed in classes. We found her difficult to be around, but wondered if her problems didn't go deeper than a bad case of over parenting. Imagine our surprise when she first went missing, then reappeared as a male hobbit wanted by the law.
I've often wondered why Amy has never invested her considerable creativity and skill into original works for which she could legally garner income, but I very much share your suspicion that she does not create for the sake of creating, but as a means to submerge her reality inside a ready-made fantasy world that she can reimagine for herself. I found your thoughts on the Neville/Snape dichotomy so intriguing and I think you're absolutely right. She has little to no objectivity when it comes to Amy. Amy has become something she longs to sabotage and destroy. Thus, she similarly lacks objectivity in rendering Snape, despite having demonstrated a firm and fair grasp of the other characters she's adapted.
It's all quite sad, really. I'm sure she was flattered and honored by your praise/advise, but I'm afraid there's something so deeply troubled about her that all words of reason and help fail to sink in. For her sake (and the sake of those who get hurt in her charades), I hope that's not so.
Andy places responsibility on his followers to fend off potential romantic advances
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 05:55 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45338041301/dont-get-me-to-the-church-on-time
DON’T get me to the church on time
Look, I’m saying this publicly and while I’m clear-headed. I do not need to be in a relationship right now. In fact, it would be an extremely, extremely bad idea. I am not in anything remotely resembling a place where I could be anyone’s partner in an egalitarian and constructive way, not to mention that I am still so far from over Brittany and have already tried the bad idea of seeing if I could force someone else to conform to that gaping hole in my heart (protip: humans don’t work like that).
But I’m a Gryffindor. An idealist. I love me my Big Causes, and I have a tremendously hard time doing things for myself. It feels wrong. Especially when there’s this much effort involved and it sometimes involves saying no to things other people want from me. I’m really, really, really bad at no. Incredibly bad at no. I kind of have a tendency even to volunteer yeses that other people haven’t asked for and I sometimes can’t even fulfill if I even think someone might suspect I might be considering saying no, regardless of how much no would be entirely appropriate.
As a result, the temptation is really, really, really strong right now to find someone to make myself fall in love with so that I can do all this for them and say a lot of yes. Which is actually an incredibly unhealthy basis for a relationship, and one of the things I’m working on with my therapist is that other than Brittany, all of my relationships have been this kind of goddamn it if need be I will force you to let me serve you and sacrifice myself for your dreams because I’ve had tremendous self-confidence and almost no self-worth and believed no matter how awesome I may be, I only have value and can only earn existing via what I can do for others.
So why am I saying this? Because I’m asking for outside help on three things.
1: Until future notice - and at the very least the end of the year - if I get a girlfriend or start to say I’ve fallen in love or think I’m falling in love, someone punch me in the face until I come to my senses.
2: If I fuck up and try to move past friendship with any of you? Particularly if you in any way resemble something that could be in any way interpreted as a damsel in distress or a noble cause or a heroic quest? Again, please punch me in the face until I come to my senses. And say no. Please. I will respect no, even if I’m in the middle of stupid.
3. Ditto if I try to give any ridiculously, outlandishly huge gifts or gestures that you don’t actually need (except the carrot you and I are doing together, Karen, that’s different).Like, if your house burns down and you have six kids dying of cancer, sure, please, let me help with the relief effort. But if your car is just kinda shitty and you complain about it on your blog and I suddenly try to get you a new one? Say. No. Please.
There is the Daydverse, there is GISHWHES and Random Acts, there is work and school and convention and meta and let’s be blunt; it’s the internet, there’s plenty of free porn.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I really, really don’t.
DON’T get me to the church on time
Look, I’m saying this publicly and while I’m clear-headed. I do not need to be in a relationship right now. In fact, it would be an extremely, extremely bad idea. I am not in anything remotely resembling a place where I could be anyone’s partner in an egalitarian and constructive way, not to mention that I am still so far from over Brittany and have already tried the bad idea of seeing if I could force someone else to conform to that gaping hole in my heart (protip: humans don’t work like that).
But I’m a Gryffindor. An idealist. I love me my Big Causes, and I have a tremendously hard time doing things for myself. It feels wrong. Especially when there’s this much effort involved and it sometimes involves saying no to things other people want from me. I’m really, really, really bad at no. Incredibly bad at no. I kind of have a tendency even to volunteer yeses that other people haven’t asked for and I sometimes can’t even fulfill if I even think someone might suspect I might be considering saying no, regardless of how much no would be entirely appropriate.
As a result, the temptation is really, really, really strong right now to find someone to make myself fall in love with so that I can do all this for them and say a lot of yes. Which is actually an incredibly unhealthy basis for a relationship, and one of the things I’m working on with my therapist is that other than Brittany, all of my relationships have been this kind of goddamn it if need be I will force you to let me serve you and sacrifice myself for your dreams because I’ve had tremendous self-confidence and almost no self-worth and believed no matter how awesome I may be, I only have value and can only earn existing via what I can do for others.
So why am I saying this? Because I’m asking for outside help on three things.
1: Until future notice - and at the very least the end of the year - if I get a girlfriend or start to say I’ve fallen in love or think I’m falling in love, someone punch me in the face until I come to my senses.
2: If I fuck up and try to move past friendship with any of you? Particularly if you in any way resemble something that could be in any way interpreted as a damsel in distress or a noble cause or a heroic quest? Again, please punch me in the face until I come to my senses. And say no. Please. I will respect no, even if I’m in the middle of stupid.
3. Ditto if I try to give any ridiculously, outlandishly huge gifts or gestures that you don’t actually need (except the carrot you and I are doing together, Karen, that’s different).Like, if your house burns down and you have six kids dying of cancer, sure, please, let me help with the relief effort. But if your car is just kinda shitty and you complain about it on your blog and I suddenly try to get you a new one? Say. No. Please.
There is the Daydverse, there is GISHWHES and Random Acts, there is work and school and convention and meta and let’s be blunt; it’s the internet, there’s plenty of free porn.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Women are people, not causes. I know this.
I do not need a girlfriend to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I really, really don’t.
Re: Andy places responsibility on his followers to fend off potential romantic advances
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 08:01 pm (UTC)(link)NA
For the record, this was posted March 14, 2013.
For the record, this was posted March 14, 2013.
Re: Andy places responsibility on his followers to fend off potential romantic advances
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-18 20:10 (UTC) - Expandhttp://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34401905714/there-was-no-sex-ed-almost-nobody-got-the, posted on October 27, 2012.
“There was no “sex ed.” Almost nobody got “the talk” from their parents. You got maybe, oh, a couple tips from your older brother maybe, if you were close, but mostly it was something you just figure out with the or figure out for yourself or get from the other guys in your class or your team or your unit, just a lot of bragging and bullshit and Tijuana Bibles and maybe a stag film if you were really lucky. Those were a hoot. Kid like Steve, outcast kid, sweet kid who wouldn’t go looking - you had to go looking - for pornos, who’d have told him? Not Bucky, he wouldn’t have been that mean. Not with the girls all over him and ignoring Steve like they were. It’d be like giving a cripple kid tips on the finer points of running track. And when he sees him again - when he’s Captain America - all those chorus girls? He’d assume, you know? And they were busy. But for Steve, he’s a good guy. It’s an after marriage thing, and he’s got a war on. So yeah, he’s got less understanding of sex than a five year old who’s seen a Britney Spears video, and that doesn’t mean he’s not into girls. It doesn’t mean anything except that someone’s gonna have to sit him down and soon and I hope it’s not Stark, ‘cause he’d give that poor kid too much shit he don’t deserve. And oh yeah he’s a kid. They got…the actor they got…he’s too old. He’d be eighteen, nineteen, maybe twenty. That’s how it was. We were kids. And he’s a kid, how he talks, how he thinks. He’s good at it in the eyes, though. He’s got the eyes. I knew kids with those eyes.”
— Transcript I just found of a conversation with one of my grandfather’s friends (and a WWII vet) that veered into a tangent about the Captain America movie and Steve Rogers’ sexuality.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34428980641/for-avengers-captain-america-writers, posted on October 27, 2012
For Avengers/Captain America writers:
I just spoke to my grandfather’s bingo buddy, Retired Army Lieutenant R. L. from the previous quote about Steve’s sexuality. He’s delighted that people care what he thinks about Steve Rogers/Captain America, because he figured that no one would want him “making noise about their shiny new thing,” and has offered that if anyone wants to know something in particular about Cap and his era from someone who fought in that war and remembers the original comic books coming out, he’s quite willing to answer a few questions that aren’t readily googleable. With the caveat that “I swore I’d take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean mostly there.”
“There was no “sex ed.” Almost nobody got “the talk” from their parents. You got maybe, oh, a couple tips from your older brother maybe, if you were close, but mostly it was something you just figure out with the or figure out for yourself or get from the other guys in your class or your team or your unit, just a lot of bragging and bullshit and Tijuana Bibles and maybe a stag film if you were really lucky. Those were a hoot. Kid like Steve, outcast kid, sweet kid who wouldn’t go looking - you had to go looking - for pornos, who’d have told him? Not Bucky, he wouldn’t have been that mean. Not with the girls all over him and ignoring Steve like they were. It’d be like giving a cripple kid tips on the finer points of running track. And when he sees him again - when he’s Captain America - all those chorus girls? He’d assume, you know? And they were busy. But for Steve, he’s a good guy. It’s an after marriage thing, and he’s got a war on. So yeah, he’s got less understanding of sex than a five year old who’s seen a Britney Spears video, and that doesn’t mean he’s not into girls. It doesn’t mean anything except that someone’s gonna have to sit him down and soon and I hope it’s not Stark, ‘cause he’d give that poor kid too much shit he don’t deserve. And oh yeah he’s a kid. They got…the actor they got…he’s too old. He’d be eighteen, nineteen, maybe twenty. That’s how it was. We were kids. And he’s a kid, how he talks, how he thinks. He’s good at it in the eyes, though. He’s got the eyes. I knew kids with those eyes.”
— Transcript I just found of a conversation with one of my grandfather’s friends (and a WWII vet) that veered into a tangent about the Captain America movie and Steve Rogers’ sexuality.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34428980641/for-avengers-captain-america-writers, posted on October 27, 2012
For Avengers/Captain America writers:
I just spoke to my grandfather’s bingo buddy, Retired Army Lieutenant R. L. from the previous quote about Steve’s sexuality. He’s delighted that people care what he thinks about Steve Rogers/Captain America, because he figured that no one would want him “making noise about their shiny new thing,” and has offered that if anyone wants to know something in particular about Cap and his era from someone who fought in that war and remembers the original comic books coming out, he’s quite willing to answer a few questions that aren’t readily googleable. With the caveat that “I swore I’d take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean mostly there.”
SA
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34446271801/yeah-okay-you-had-a-discussion-with-a-wwii-vet/ An anonymous ask, answered on October 27, 2012
Anonymous asked: Yeah OKAY you had a discussion with a WWII vet about Captain America's sexuality, and were somehow able to ask this vet if he wouldn't mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war. Like huh? Some of the stuff you post is just ridiculous.
Well, certainly, I can see how it would be very confusing and ridiculous for all parties involved if I were to just walk up to a random vet, ask questions about Steve Rogers’ sex life, and then ask if he “wouldn’t mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war.”
Fortunately, what happened is a lot less ridiculous.
Prior to the sudden attack of pancreitis this spring which took him from healthy to dead in the course of a few days, my grandfather was an incredibly healthy man in his mid nineties who lead a very active and social life. A large part of that life was his best peer friend, R.L., whom he had met through the weekly Chick Fil A senior citizen’s breakfast bingo back in 2006. They did bingo and the YMCA Silver Sneakers program together, along with golf, movies, the senior discount day at various restaurants, puzzles, trips to Best Buy to play with the toys that science fiction hadn’t dreamed of when they were kids, and coed-watching on Duke of Glouchester street near the William and Mary campus. R.L. was a veteran of WWII, and my father even accompanied him on Honor Flight two years ago.
Shortly after my grandfather’s death, R.L. came to the house to look through and collect some of his things that the will had given him the option for, as well as some of the puzzles and paintings they had been working on together. I was visiting for a roughly 10 day span, and was put in charge of helping him, along with being handed an actual cassette deck to record pieces of reminiscence and quotes to be used at my grandfather’s funeral. It wound up being most of the day, with me recording occasionally, but mostly just talking, and about halfway through, we found a bag from Best Buy from one of their excursions. It held the Captain America movie, which had been on sale in connection to Avengers promotions, and which they had intended to watch, finding it amusing that something that had been such cheesy propaganda was now some big money Hollywood thing…as if when we were old, there was a multi million dollar blockbuster about DARE. He asked if we could watch it, and of course I said yes. We did, and we talked a lot throughout, I recorded occasionally, and I gave the tape to my parents when the day was done.
No pun intended, but fast forward six months. I’m going through the storage closet for lanterns and sleeping bags in preparation for Sandy and I come across the tapes and cassette deck. I’ve just recently found, re-posted, and listened to an old Daydcast, and I’m in the right mood to listen to R.L. The vast majority of it is personal to our family, but there is one small section I think fandom might find interesting that occurred right after I rolled my eyes at the “do you fondue?” exchange. So I post it, both to Tumblr and Facebook. The response, particularly in the latter, is positive.
Saturday morning is Chick Fil A bingo. Chick Fil A is right up the street from our house and across from Home Depot. My father wants to get waterproofing tape, and I ask if we can swing by and I can say hi to R.L. We do, I do, and I tell him that hey, remember how he said no one would want to hear him “making noise about the shiny new thing”? Well, they did. They thought it was cool. He asked who. I said “my internet friends.” He laughed and shook his head and said “well, if there’s anything else they want to hear me fart on about with Cap and all that, lemme know, but not everything. I swore to take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean most of the way.” He then got a four corners and won a three piece chicken mini. My father honked the horn, and I promised I’d make sure to include the caveat, hugged him, and bought waterproofing tape, then hopped quickly on Tumblr and Facebook again.
Does that clear up the ridiculousness for you a little?
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/34446271801/yeah-okay-you-had-a-discussion-with-a-wwii-vet/ An anonymous ask, answered on October 27, 2012
Anonymous asked: Yeah OKAY you had a discussion with a WWII vet about Captain America's sexuality, and were somehow able to ask this vet if he wouldn't mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war. Like huh? Some of the stuff you post is just ridiculous.
Well, certainly, I can see how it would be very confusing and ridiculous for all parties involved if I were to just walk up to a random vet, ask questions about Steve Rogers’ sex life, and then ask if he “wouldn’t mind if random people on TUMBLR would ask him questions about the war.”
Fortunately, what happened is a lot less ridiculous.
Prior to the sudden attack of pancreitis this spring which took him from healthy to dead in the course of a few days, my grandfather was an incredibly healthy man in his mid nineties who lead a very active and social life. A large part of that life was his best peer friend, R.L., whom he had met through the weekly Chick Fil A senior citizen’s breakfast bingo back in 2006. They did bingo and the YMCA Silver Sneakers program together, along with golf, movies, the senior discount day at various restaurants, puzzles, trips to Best Buy to play with the toys that science fiction hadn’t dreamed of when they were kids, and coed-watching on Duke of Glouchester street near the William and Mary campus. R.L. was a veteran of WWII, and my father even accompanied him on Honor Flight two years ago.
Shortly after my grandfather’s death, R.L. came to the house to look through and collect some of his things that the will had given him the option for, as well as some of the puzzles and paintings they had been working on together. I was visiting for a roughly 10 day span, and was put in charge of helping him, along with being handed an actual cassette deck to record pieces of reminiscence and quotes to be used at my grandfather’s funeral. It wound up being most of the day, with me recording occasionally, but mostly just talking, and about halfway through, we found a bag from Best Buy from one of their excursions. It held the Captain America movie, which had been on sale in connection to Avengers promotions, and which they had intended to watch, finding it amusing that something that had been such cheesy propaganda was now some big money Hollywood thing…as if when we were old, there was a multi million dollar blockbuster about DARE. He asked if we could watch it, and of course I said yes. We did, and we talked a lot throughout, I recorded occasionally, and I gave the tape to my parents when the day was done.
No pun intended, but fast forward six months. I’m going through the storage closet for lanterns and sleeping bags in preparation for Sandy and I come across the tapes and cassette deck. I’ve just recently found, re-posted, and listened to an old Daydcast, and I’m in the right mood to listen to R.L. The vast majority of it is personal to our family, but there is one small section I think fandom might find interesting that occurred right after I rolled my eyes at the “do you fondue?” exchange. So I post it, both to Tumblr and Facebook. The response, particularly in the latter, is positive.
Saturday morning is Chick Fil A bingo. Chick Fil A is right up the street from our house and across from Home Depot. My father wants to get waterproofing tape, and I ask if we can swing by and I can say hi to R.L. We do, I do, and I tell him that hey, remember how he said no one would want to hear him “making noise about the shiny new thing”? Well, they did. They thought it was cool. He asked who. I said “my internet friends.” He laughed and shook his head and said “well, if there’s anything else they want to hear me fart on about with Cap and all that, lemme know, but not everything. I swore to take some stuff to the grave, and I didn’t mean most of the way.” He then got a four corners and won a three piece chicken mini. My father honked the horn, and I promised I’d make sure to include the caveat, hugged him, and bought waterproofing tape, then hopped quickly on Tumblr and Facebook again.
Does that clear up the ridiculousness for you a little?
Re: Andy is the authority on Steve Rogers, October 2012
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-18 21:05 (UTC) - ExpandAndy describes his being abusive as being a "Dark Gryffindor"
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 10:10 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45708704689/if-you-dont-go-in-for-general-fandom-pottermore
If you don't go in for general fandom/pottermore, what house do you consider yourself to be in within your own verse?
Anonymous
Gryffindor, absolutely, according to *this. I’m an idealist to the core, and it is my greatest strength and weakness, as is always the case. I’ve absolutely been Dark Gryffindor at times in my conviction that I was doing the Right Thing, and I’ve absolutely had my times of Light Gryffindor as well, which I’m always working to make more frequent.
*Link: http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/32450592797/a-comprehensive-daydverse-guide-to-sorting
If you don't go in for general fandom/pottermore, what house do you consider yourself to be in within your own verse?
Anonymous
Gryffindor, absolutely, according to *this. I’m an idealist to the core, and it is my greatest strength and weakness, as is always the case. I’ve absolutely been Dark Gryffindor at times in my conviction that I was doing the Right Thing, and I’ve absolutely had my times of Light Gryffindor as well, which I’m always working to make more frequent.
*Link: http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/32450592797/a-comprehensive-daydverse-guide-to-sorting
Re: Andy describes his being abusive as being a "Dark Gryffindor"
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 03:18 pm (UTC)(link)Similar - Andy describes his willingness to "turn on groups" and to "lie for the greater good" as Gryffindor traits.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/47217627540/okay-i-got-it-thanks-but-also-youre-cruel-and
>Okay, I got it. Thanks, but also you're cruel and an owl hit by bus is somehow amazing in its simplicity. I wonder, what house you think you would be sorted in? My guess is Ravenclaw, because you always sound rational and your metas refer to actual data and sensible predictions, not feelings. But then, writing metas instead of sleeping and so is not very logical, so maybe Hufflepuff, for this poor-fandom-rescuer syndrome of yours?
Anonymous
Gryffindor. Hard core, to a fault, no tinting towards other Houses. I’ll do anything for my ideals, and that’s my greatest strength and weakness. Doesn’t mean I’m not smart, but I’ll turn on a group faster than Castiel on the Garrison if my ideals require it, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything significant in self-preservation, and I’ll freely admit that I’ve lied through my teeth on the grounds of the higher good.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/47217627540/okay-i-got-it-thanks-but-also-youre-cruel-and
>Okay, I got it. Thanks, but also you're cruel and an owl hit by bus is somehow amazing in its simplicity. I wonder, what house you think you would be sorted in? My guess is Ravenclaw, because you always sound rational and your metas refer to actual data and sensible predictions, not feelings. But then, writing metas instead of sleeping and so is not very logical, so maybe Hufflepuff, for this poor-fandom-rescuer syndrome of yours?
Anonymous
Gryffindor. Hard core, to a fault, no tinting towards other Houses. I’ll do anything for my ideals, and that’s my greatest strength and weakness. Doesn’t mean I’m not smart, but I’ll turn on a group faster than Castiel on the Garrison if my ideals require it, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything significant in self-preservation, and I’ll freely admit that I’ve lied through my teeth on the grounds of the higher good.
Andy says his Xtian conversative parents who "sheltered him" let him read Stephen King novels at 8
(Anonymous) 2015-04-18 10:27 pm (UTC)(link)He also rewrites history (compare to his VB journal) and says he was interested in girls at the same age.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45749221084/what-would-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up-if-you
It’s funny that even with the “if you could be anything,” I had actually all typed out how I have to think about what my marketable skills are that have the best prospects of landing me a stable salaried job with good health coverage because my number one priority has to be keeping access to the ability to pay for my meds, or jack-all else can happen. And that career path is one where I do think I can be happy, and it’s what I’m going to be going to school for…but if I was allowed to be anything and could know I’d get to succeed?
It’s going to sound so stupid.
See, for about fifteen years, I haven’t had those kinds of dreams. I honestly, deeply believed I was going to die young, so I just happily burned the candle at all the ends, jokingly calling myself a “freelance superhero” and trying to help as many people as possible with varying degrees of success, doing this and that and whatever to keep just enough food in my mouth to survive…roof over my head optional.
But I recently found some things here at the house that my parents had been keeping since I was very young and that I had completely forgotten existed. See, when I was about 8-13, I pretty much lived on Dirk Pitt, Michael Crichton, Stephen King, and Tom Clancy novels and Star Trek tie-in novels. I wanted to write for Star Trek. Either novels or the show itself. And…um…ok, so maybe what I found were a couple of manuscripts and copies of a half-dozen spec scripts I submitted.
They were pretty good for a ten year old. I’d even go so far as to say not half bad for a teenager. But it’s no shock that they didn’t get picked up, especially since I Marty Stu’d HARD all over my blatant crushes on B’Elanna Torres and Kira Nerys.
I’ve been told repeatedly since starting the Daydverse that I should be a writer, and I’ve always said no, because I’m NOT good at “just make your own thing.” I have no plot bunnies for that kind of thing.
But give me a starting point? An established universe, but then let me add my own new characters and take the ones they have and run with them? Plots and arcs and character development and world expansion and mythos building? I’m actually kind of awesome at that. And apparently that’s been there for a long time. I just hadn’t considered it since, because my brain fell apart and I got fixated on what I could do for others and the idea that I was going to die.
Unfortunately, some of the choices that were made - regardless of my brain place when they were made - mean that I’ve got a better chance of flying to the moon by flapping than ever getting a job anywhere near television writing or franchise tie-in novels, and there are people who have committed themselves to making sure of that. But even if by some miracle I got an email tomorrow offering me two Supernatural tie-in novels and a position as a staff writer on a new NBC fantastic realism series, I’d still have to say no because of aforementioned need for a stable income and health care.
And I have my Daydverse, which makes me very happy, and even when I finish AP and even Oubliette, there’s enough characters that I can write on it as long as I want, even long after the last Daydian stops reading.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45749221084/what-would-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up-if-you
It’s funny that even with the “if you could be anything,” I had actually all typed out how I have to think about what my marketable skills are that have the best prospects of landing me a stable salaried job with good health coverage because my number one priority has to be keeping access to the ability to pay for my meds, or jack-all else can happen. And that career path is one where I do think I can be happy, and it’s what I’m going to be going to school for…but if I was allowed to be anything and could know I’d get to succeed?
It’s going to sound so stupid.
See, for about fifteen years, I haven’t had those kinds of dreams. I honestly, deeply believed I was going to die young, so I just happily burned the candle at all the ends, jokingly calling myself a “freelance superhero” and trying to help as many people as possible with varying degrees of success, doing this and that and whatever to keep just enough food in my mouth to survive…roof over my head optional.
But I recently found some things here at the house that my parents had been keeping since I was very young and that I had completely forgotten existed. See, when I was about 8-13, I pretty much lived on Dirk Pitt, Michael Crichton, Stephen King, and Tom Clancy novels and Star Trek tie-in novels. I wanted to write for Star Trek. Either novels or the show itself. And…um…ok, so maybe what I found were a couple of manuscripts and copies of a half-dozen spec scripts I submitted.
They were pretty good for a ten year old. I’d even go so far as to say not half bad for a teenager. But it’s no shock that they didn’t get picked up, especially since I Marty Stu’d HARD all over my blatant crushes on B’Elanna Torres and Kira Nerys.
I’ve been told repeatedly since starting the Daydverse that I should be a writer, and I’ve always said no, because I’m NOT good at “just make your own thing.” I have no plot bunnies for that kind of thing.
But give me a starting point? An established universe, but then let me add my own new characters and take the ones they have and run with them? Plots and arcs and character development and world expansion and mythos building? I’m actually kind of awesome at that. And apparently that’s been there for a long time. I just hadn’t considered it since, because my brain fell apart and I got fixated on what I could do for others and the idea that I was going to die.
Unfortunately, some of the choices that were made - regardless of my brain place when they were made - mean that I’ve got a better chance of flying to the moon by flapping than ever getting a job anywhere near television writing or franchise tie-in novels, and there are people who have committed themselves to making sure of that. But even if by some miracle I got an email tomorrow offering me two Supernatural tie-in novels and a position as a staff writer on a new NBC fantastic realism series, I’d still have to say no because of aforementioned need for a stable income and health care.
And I have my Daydverse, which makes me very happy, and even when I finish AP and even Oubliette, there’s enough characters that I can write on it as long as I want, even long after the last Daydian stops reading.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45776725014/yes-they-do-all-people-deserve-sympathy-and
[Image description: Flashing gif saying 'RAPISTS DO NOT DESERVE SYMPATHY']
Yes they do. All people deserve sympathy and compassion. Yes, even rapists. Yes, even them. And them. And that guy. And the victim.
Victims do not deserve to have the legal repercussions of their rapist’s crimes treated as unfair things that befell them as if they had done nothing wrong.
Victims do not deserve to see it reinforced by the media what their attackers told them - that they matter less than the wants and needs and urges of others who happen to be boys and popular and play football.
Victims do not deserve to see all the focus be put on how this will affect the rapists’ lives and not how theirs has already been torn apart.
Victims do not deserve to see no worry extended towards their future.
Victims do not deserve to see a dozen justifications given that implicitly make their rape ok.
Victims do not deserve to see their pain minimized.
Victims do not deserve to be blamed for their own assaults and the shaming of those assaults.
Victims do not deserve to have been assaulted.
Victims do not deserve to be shamed.
Rapists do not deserve to be excused of their crime because they are “good” people or good at sports or well-liked.
But rapists do deserve sympathy.
Because if we treat them without it, we reinforce the very thing that lead to the rape in the first place; the idea that there are humans who matter and humans who don’t, and that something a human does can make them arbitrarily change category. Just locking them up - much less doing so and wishing more brutality upon them like the people I’ve seen hoping they’re themselves raped in prison - does nothing to change the problem.
Punish them, yes. Make them understand that the consequences of their act are terrible. But then give them every sympathy - not every leniency - and help them see that such as their pain is, and such as you recognize its hugeness, it is nothing compared to what they inflicted.
Because if you tell them they’re just monsters, you’re giving them and everyone an excuse to brush them aside and let the real reasons they did what they did continue.
Tell them they are human and so is the girl they attacked, one and the same. Tell them what she has gone through since they assaulted her. Teach them about rape culture, about slut-shaming, about the system that lied to them that behavior was ever ok. Teach them that they aren’t the victims of the court or the judge or “that bitch” or feminists or hormones or alcohol or random bad luck or YouTube, but what the real hurtful thing is, and let them become powerful voices in the fight against it, let them do strong work to rebuild their victim’s life and that of many other women and be a voice that maybe other young men like them will listen to when they talk about the lies that stole their promising futures.
Rapists deserve sympathy because they are human.
Victims deserve sympathy because they are human.
And if we all saw each other as human, there would be a lot fewer of both rapists and victims, which I believe is the real objective far more than the fleeting satisfaction of hurting someone back.
[Image description: Flashing gif saying 'RAPISTS DO NOT DESERVE SYMPATHY']
Yes they do. All people deserve sympathy and compassion. Yes, even rapists. Yes, even them. And them. And that guy. And the victim.
Victims do not deserve to have the legal repercussions of their rapist’s crimes treated as unfair things that befell them as if they had done nothing wrong.
Victims do not deserve to see it reinforced by the media what their attackers told them - that they matter less than the wants and needs and urges of others who happen to be boys and popular and play football.
Victims do not deserve to see all the focus be put on how this will affect the rapists’ lives and not how theirs has already been torn apart.
Victims do not deserve to see no worry extended towards their future.
Victims do not deserve to see a dozen justifications given that implicitly make their rape ok.
Victims do not deserve to see their pain minimized.
Victims do not deserve to be blamed for their own assaults and the shaming of those assaults.
Victims do not deserve to have been assaulted.
Victims do not deserve to be shamed.
Rapists do not deserve to be excused of their crime because they are “good” people or good at sports or well-liked.
But rapists do deserve sympathy.
Because if we treat them without it, we reinforce the very thing that lead to the rape in the first place; the idea that there are humans who matter and humans who don’t, and that something a human does can make them arbitrarily change category. Just locking them up - much less doing so and wishing more brutality upon them like the people I’ve seen hoping they’re themselves raped in prison - does nothing to change the problem.
Punish them, yes. Make them understand that the consequences of their act are terrible. But then give them every sympathy - not every leniency - and help them see that such as their pain is, and such as you recognize its hugeness, it is nothing compared to what they inflicted.
Because if you tell them they’re just monsters, you’re giving them and everyone an excuse to brush them aside and let the real reasons they did what they did continue.
Tell them they are human and so is the girl they attacked, one and the same. Tell them what she has gone through since they assaulted her. Teach them about rape culture, about slut-shaming, about the system that lied to them that behavior was ever ok. Teach them that they aren’t the victims of the court or the judge or “that bitch” or feminists or hormones or alcohol or random bad luck or YouTube, but what the real hurtful thing is, and let them become powerful voices in the fight against it, let them do strong work to rebuild their victim’s life and that of many other women and be a voice that maybe other young men like them will listen to when they talk about the lies that stole their promising futures.
Rapists deserve sympathy because they are human.
Victims deserve sympathy because they are human.
And if we all saw each other as human, there would be a lot fewer of both rapists and victims, which I believe is the real objective far more than the fleeting satisfaction of hurting someone back.
Andy's biggest fault is that he's too damn selfless -- and it's also why he abused his victims
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 12:04 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/45958875394/sorry-if-this-has-been-asked-before-but-who-out-of
I have some experiences in common with the Winchesters in terms of that off-the-grid lifestyle (and the delightful experience of treating your own bullet wounds) and I find Castiel to be a nearly orgasmic mental exercise which is why I enjoy RPing him, but I guess it would have to be Dean (though I really don’t tightly identify with any of them) because the source of all the stupidest, most hurtful things I’ve ever done in my life has been putting other people ahead of everything - including common sense - and many years of only valuing myself in terms of what I can do for others.
I have some experiences in common with the Winchesters in terms of that off-the-grid lifestyle (and the delightful experience of treating your own bullet wounds) and I find Castiel to be a nearly orgasmic mental exercise which is why I enjoy RPing him, but I guess it would have to be Dean (though I really don’t tightly identify with any of them) because the source of all the stupidest, most hurtful things I’ve ever done in my life has been putting other people ahead of everything - including common sense - and many years of only valuing myself in terms of what I can do for others.
Andy says if you're too thin, guys will only want to give you a sandwich
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 01:27 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46228057284/look-your-body-is-yours-and-should-be-whatever
Look, your body is yours and should be whatever makes YOU happy and healthy
But I keep seeing these “thinspo” posts go by on my dash claiming that if you don’t starve yourself into this
[Image description: Extremely thin runway model]
no guy will ever stare longingly at you, ask you out, want to date you, or want to have sex with you. No. That’s so not true. SO not true. Just - I can’t believe I’m going to say this in the context of positive body image - go browse some porn. I don’t even have to say porn made for straight men because that’s 99% of it featuring women anyway. That skeletal girl? Will be classified as “fetish”. And no, all guys don’t like the same thing by a long shot. Men’s tastes are as diverse as women’s, but there is still such a thing as majority, and what you’ll see appealing to that majority is stuff like this, and it ain’t no 92lbs:
[Image description: Glamour shot of a model with large buttocks]
Like I said, porn girls are NOT to be seen as role models for what the female body is supposed to look like, but if you’re trying to starve yourself into the first one because you think if enough of your ribs jut out far enough, all the boys in ever will come flooding out of the woodwork to beg to be your boyfriend and tell you how hot and sexy and gorgeous you are? Maybe you should reconsider.
And again, your self worth really, really, really shouldn’t be defined by the male gaze. But at the same time, I just can’t stand seeing one more post outright lying to girls that the only way to make boys want them is to starve themselves into something that the vast majority of guys I know - myself included - would want only in the context of wanting to give a sandwich to.
Tagged: trigger warning, eating disorders, body image, starvation, male gaze.
Look, your body is yours and should be whatever makes YOU happy and healthy
But I keep seeing these “thinspo” posts go by on my dash claiming that if you don’t starve yourself into this
[Image description: Extremely thin runway model]
no guy will ever stare longingly at you, ask you out, want to date you, or want to have sex with you. No. That’s so not true. SO not true. Just - I can’t believe I’m going to say this in the context of positive body image - go browse some porn. I don’t even have to say porn made for straight men because that’s 99% of it featuring women anyway. That skeletal girl? Will be classified as “fetish”. And no, all guys don’t like the same thing by a long shot. Men’s tastes are as diverse as women’s, but there is still such a thing as majority, and what you’ll see appealing to that majority is stuff like this, and it ain’t no 92lbs:
[Image description: Glamour shot of a model with large buttocks]
Like I said, porn girls are NOT to be seen as role models for what the female body is supposed to look like, but if you’re trying to starve yourself into the first one because you think if enough of your ribs jut out far enough, all the boys in ever will come flooding out of the woodwork to beg to be your boyfriend and tell you how hot and sexy and gorgeous you are? Maybe you should reconsider.
And again, your self worth really, really, really shouldn’t be defined by the male gaze. But at the same time, I just can’t stand seeing one more post outright lying to girls that the only way to make boys want them is to starve themselves into something that the vast majority of guys I know - myself included - would want only in the context of wanting to give a sandwich to.
Tagged: trigger warning, eating disorders, body image, starvation, male gaze.
Andy admits he channeled in the summer of 2013 & the winter of 2012
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 03:19 am (UTC)(link)Posted June 26, 2014
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/90019528142/i-cut-the-name-because-its-the-family-member-of
I cut the name because it’s the family member of someone who has already directly stated - in regards to these accusations, actually - that she doesn’t want her loved ones brought into it. And since if you were able to put the name there in the first place, you know who we’re talking about, why don’t you go ask her yourself?
But for the record, the answer is NO. Fuck no, absolutely not, never, in no way, shape, or form, directly or indirectly, implicitly or explicitly, now or ever in the past, there have been absolutely no blank spaces where it may have occurred, and the person in question has confirmed that nothing like what you are accusing has ever, ever happened.
In fact, I’m very proud to say that it’s been over a year since there was an incident of that nature at all, and that was brief, relatively controlled (in that I was able to have enough vague awareness that it was happening that I stopped it) and was itself six months since the last one before that. As much as it is on a lot of levels painful to say (I thought these people were real, I thought I was helping others when more often than not I was hurting them, I thought I had a mission, not an illness, etc) I have, through treatment, become extremely aware that I do not have and have never had the capability of channeling, communicating with, being possessed by, soul-bonding, soul-mirroring, or becoming any entity, spirit, character, or person other than myself and have made no attempt nor had any episode of believing myself to channel, communicate, etc. for some time and never with any of my local friends in or connected to “the posse."
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/90019528142/i-cut-the-name-because-its-the-family-member-of
I cut the name because it’s the family member of someone who has already directly stated - in regards to these accusations, actually - that she doesn’t want her loved ones brought into it. And since if you were able to put the name there in the first place, you know who we’re talking about, why don’t you go ask her yourself?
But for the record, the answer is NO. Fuck no, absolutely not, never, in no way, shape, or form, directly or indirectly, implicitly or explicitly, now or ever in the past, there have been absolutely no blank spaces where it may have occurred, and the person in question has confirmed that nothing like what you are accusing has ever, ever happened.
In fact, I’m very proud to say that it’s been over a year since there was an incident of that nature at all, and that was brief, relatively controlled (in that I was able to have enough vague awareness that it was happening that I stopped it) and was itself six months since the last one before that. As much as it is on a lot of levels painful to say (I thought these people were real, I thought I was helping others when more often than not I was hurting them, I thought I had a mission, not an illness, etc) I have, through treatment, become extremely aware that I do not have and have never had the capability of channeling, communicating with, being possessed by, soul-bonding, soul-mirroring, or becoming any entity, spirit, character, or person other than myself and have made no attempt nor had any episode of believing myself to channel, communicate, etc. for some time and never with any of my local friends in or connected to “the posse."
Re: Andy admits he channeled in the summer of 2013 & the winter of 2012
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 03:22 am (UTC)(link)Posted in response to an anon asking, "Are you pretending to channel [redacted]?"
Full version of the infamous "fandom is infested with girls" comment
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 11:12 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46507520412/youmisguidedmartyr-replied-to-your-post-i-saw-a
This fandom is infested with girls. Little bubble-headed shipperchibbies who spaz all over me because I write from the perspective of a guy, as a guy. I’ve had to delete at least two thirds of the reviews I’ve gotten on ff.net. I freely keep ones that are critical, but my teeth hurt over the "OMG!!!!!! i so cant beliv u did that 2 them u are so mean and nevil wud nvr b like that 2 pavarti cuz thats sooooooooooo not kewl!!!!!!!!!“ crapola. So I use the delete button. Sue me.
I have been told that my guys are blunt, aggressive, hot-tempered, that my fics are violent, that my guys aren’t sensitive about their own feelings and the feelings of the girls they deal with. Um, well, I hate to break it to you, Hannah Montana, but teenaged guys are like that, and moreover, war is like that. We do not speak the same language you do. Yes, we have had those kinds of thoughts about the Patil twins. Seamus is Irish. There is no filter between his brain and his mouth, and when Padma twists herself like that to duck a jinx, he will make a lewd comment. He’s seventeen. At least half the time, his brain is in his pants or wanting to hit someone. It’s called testosterone, and we don’t deal with it well. That’s why they make boy bands, so you don’t have to deal with the real thing.
Look, this is not American Psycho here. I’m not giving cold rundowns of a psychopath’s heartless thought process and shoving live rodents up hookers. Neville has cried, there has been snogging, there is unrequited love, a certain amount of angst. However, there are also not going to be any fluffy bunnies in this fic, unless the Carrows are eating them live.
I really don’t get this. Harry Potter is not The Babysitter’s Club. It’s a series of fantasy novels about a war in which children wind up on the front lines. It’s pretty effin’ brutal in a lot of places, and it’s written by a woman. Why does a female-centric fandom mean that 99% of the stories I’ve been able to find out there are about who luuuuuuurves who and angsts and howls and moans about it, or who’s having babies. Or the Epilogue being used as an excuse to write all kinds of stuff about the second generation that’s just blatant Mary Suing, (not to mention that apparently, there are 89,364 lovely young things named Mary Sue that JKR neglected to mention going to Hogwarts at the same time as the Trio). Or it’s the boys behaving like girls and having chocolate ice cream and crying jags about how the other boys don’t love them. And when I do find a fic that takes the sparkly gloves off, it’s to put black leather with studs on and get into sado-masochism or pseudo-goth about the Death Eaters, or it’s slash, or it’s pedophilia between a teacher and a student. Come on!
I mean, I respect that some of these are well written, and that they have a large audience, and I certainly respect people’s right to write whatever they want, but where are the expansions, the missing scenes…can I be the only one putting in the missing year at Hogwarts? Where’s the action, the suspense? The boys outnumber the girls two to one in the books, easily. No matter who’s writing, this fandom should have more balls!
Rant over. We now return to our regularly scheduled Wizard Rock and resistance movement….
This fandom is infested with girls. Little bubble-headed shipperchibbies who spaz all over me because I write from the perspective of a guy, as a guy. I’ve had to delete at least two thirds of the reviews I’ve gotten on ff.net. I freely keep ones that are critical, but my teeth hurt over the "OMG!!!!!! i so cant beliv u did that 2 them u are so mean and nevil wud nvr b like that 2 pavarti cuz thats sooooooooooo not kewl!!!!!!!!!“ crapola. So I use the delete button. Sue me.
I have been told that my guys are blunt, aggressive, hot-tempered, that my fics are violent, that my guys aren’t sensitive about their own feelings and the feelings of the girls they deal with. Um, well, I hate to break it to you, Hannah Montana, but teenaged guys are like that, and moreover, war is like that. We do not speak the same language you do. Yes, we have had those kinds of thoughts about the Patil twins. Seamus is Irish. There is no filter between his brain and his mouth, and when Padma twists herself like that to duck a jinx, he will make a lewd comment. He’s seventeen. At least half the time, his brain is in his pants or wanting to hit someone. It’s called testosterone, and we don’t deal with it well. That’s why they make boy bands, so you don’t have to deal with the real thing.
Look, this is not American Psycho here. I’m not giving cold rundowns of a psychopath’s heartless thought process and shoving live rodents up hookers. Neville has cried, there has been snogging, there is unrequited love, a certain amount of angst. However, there are also not going to be any fluffy bunnies in this fic, unless the Carrows are eating them live.
I really don’t get this. Harry Potter is not The Babysitter’s Club. It’s a series of fantasy novels about a war in which children wind up on the front lines. It’s pretty effin’ brutal in a lot of places, and it’s written by a woman. Why does a female-centric fandom mean that 99% of the stories I’ve been able to find out there are about who luuuuuuurves who and angsts and howls and moans about it, or who’s having babies. Or the Epilogue being used as an excuse to write all kinds of stuff about the second generation that’s just blatant Mary Suing, (not to mention that apparently, there are 89,364 lovely young things named Mary Sue that JKR neglected to mention going to Hogwarts at the same time as the Trio). Or it’s the boys behaving like girls and having chocolate ice cream and crying jags about how the other boys don’t love them. And when I do find a fic that takes the sparkly gloves off, it’s to put black leather with studs on and get into sado-masochism or pseudo-goth about the Death Eaters, or it’s slash, or it’s pedophilia between a teacher and a student. Come on!
I mean, I respect that some of these are well written, and that they have a large audience, and I certainly respect people’s right to write whatever they want, but where are the expansions, the missing scenes…can I be the only one putting in the missing year at Hogwarts? Where’s the action, the suspense? The boys outnumber the girls two to one in the books, easily. No matter who’s writing, this fandom should have more balls!
Rant over. We now return to our regularly scheduled Wizard Rock and resistance movement….
From the comments: Andy defends his Oirishness when called out by actual Irish people
(Anonymous) 2016-04-19 01:22 am (UTC)(link)http://fanficrants.livejournal.com/7210489.html?thread=199865593#t199865593
I am Irish, and bluntness - the combination of heart on our sleeve and willingness to call it as we see it - is something that's prized, so I don't see what's the offensive thing there.
As for women, I apologize that it may look bad when taken out of context from the rest of my journal, where I make a running distinction between "women" (the female of the species) and "girls" (the aforementioned bubble-headed shipperchibbies oft known as "fanbrats" on this forum) that looking at this I see doesn't come through completely.
I am Irish, and bluntness - the combination of heart on our sleeve and willingness to call it as we see it - is something that's prized, so I don't see what's the offensive thing there.
As for women, I apologize that it may look bad when taken out of context from the rest of my journal, where I make a running distinction between "women" (the female of the species) and "girls" (the aforementioned bubble-headed shipperchibbies oft known as "fanbrats" on this forum) that looking at this I see doesn't come through completely.
Andy claims HP actors have read his fics/wrote him claiming "dibs" for the film
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 12:15 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46756504845/do-you-think-jk-would-have-heard-of-dayd-and-if
>Do you think JK would have heard of DAYD? And if she read it, would you be happy about it? Just curious, I'm about to start reading it because it sounds amazing.
It’s not impossible…it’s well-known enough that it was referenced in the Atlantic Monthly as an example of good fic, and I know Matthew Lewis and Devon Murray have both read and enjoyed it and Sluagh. But honestly, I don’t know Ms. Rowling’s reading preferences, nor how she feels about fanfic in general, and while I’d be as happy to have her enjoy my work as anyone else, I’m mostly just happy that she hasn’t gone Anne Rice on the entire thing.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46756742107/whoa-matthew-lewis-and-devon-murray-read-dayd-and
>Whoa! Matthew Lewis and Devon Murray read DAYD and Sluagh? How did you find out? How did /they/ find out about them?
During the height of DAYD’s popularity in 2008-2009, someone printed off copies of DAYD and gave it to them at a convention. At a separate occasion, someone else asked Matt if he had heard of DAYD and he said he liked it and that was how he thought the last movie should definitely go (this was before HBP came out, much less the DH films). And Devon Murray sent me a note saying if Sluagh went to a film, he had dibs.
>Do you think JK would have heard of DAYD? And if she read it, would you be happy about it? Just curious, I'm about to start reading it because it sounds amazing.
It’s not impossible…it’s well-known enough that it was referenced in the Atlantic Monthly as an example of good fic, and I know Matthew Lewis and Devon Murray have both read and enjoyed it and Sluagh. But honestly, I don’t know Ms. Rowling’s reading preferences, nor how she feels about fanfic in general, and while I’d be as happy to have her enjoy my work as anyone else, I’m mostly just happy that she hasn’t gone Anne Rice on the entire thing.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46756742107/whoa-matthew-lewis-and-devon-murray-read-dayd-and
>Whoa! Matthew Lewis and Devon Murray read DAYD and Sluagh? How did you find out? How did /they/ find out about them?
During the height of DAYD’s popularity in 2008-2009, someone printed off copies of DAYD and gave it to them at a convention. At a separate occasion, someone else asked Matt if he had heard of DAYD and he said he liked it and that was how he thought the last movie should definitely go (this was before HBP came out, much less the DH films). And Devon Murray sent me a note saying if Sluagh went to a film, he had dibs.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/80662960572/i-know-youve-told-us-about-parts-of-your-past-and
>I know you've told us about parts of your past and for what you've said and experienced i am so sorry, but what would be your most defining moments? The moments and people that led you to where you are now?
Anonymous
In late July, 1983, I was born. This was super important.
In 1990, I got my first paying job. This was also important.
In 1992, I sent my first spec script to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It was about a little boy they find in the tunnels of the space station who has been hiding out since the Cardassians left and doesn’t realize the war is over who is a super genius and saves the day and they make him part of the crew. Jeri Taylor sent a letter back saying that it wasn’t what they were looking for now but I needed to keep writing because it was excellent for someone my age and they’d thought at first it must have been from someone older. This was tremendously important.
In 1993, I met Clive Cussler, my favorite author at the time, and he signed several of his books to me (Sahara, Dragon, Treasure, and Deep Six) and made me promise I’d sign him a copy when I wrote an adventure story some day. This was important. (I kept my promise and gave him a signed copy of Sluagh nineteen years later. He remembered me.)
In 1997, I discovered Geri Halliwell in a Union Jack micro-mini, Seven of Nine in a silver catsuit, and Kate Winslet in absolutely nothing. This was world changing. I also started getting a paycheck for drawing things.
In 1998, I had sex for the first time. With a 40+ year old woman. This was rape, but I didn’t realize it. This was important.
In 1999, I started living on my own. This was important, but dumb.
In 1999, I started believing I was developing supernatural abilities. This was actually schizophrenia. This was spectacularly important.
In 1999, I tried to kill myself for the first time. I did not succeed. That is very important.
In 2000, I was living apart from my parents completely full time, mostly because of the things the supernatural powers told me about them. This was important and very sad.
From 2000-2007, undiagnosed schizophrenia ate my life and took some really awful bites out of everyone my teeth could reach. I tried to kill myself again in 2001, 2003, and 2005. These were also, importantly, unsuccessful.
In 2007, I got therapy for the first time. It was a disaster because I was sure they were trying to lock me up, but I at least started trying to fake being healthy. This was important.
In 2008, I hit rock bottom again. I was living in my car that was due for repossession. Many things were very bad. I wanted to die again but didn’t give enough shits to try actively. I was trying to die passively. I agreed to help an acquaintance who had a band. I wound up writing DAYD. And then Sluagh, AP, 100+ oneshots, and doing hundreds of pieces of art. The Daydverse saved my life. This is still important.
In 2009, I met Brittany. Important doesn’t cover it.
In 2011, the world lost Brittany. So did I. This will never not be important.
In 2012, I was diagnosed and began treatment. This is all the important.
In 2012, I stopped watching for government vans and making escape plans. This is beautiful.
In 2012, I stopped thinking there was something wrong with my body that was killing me, a brain tumor, heart defect, or magical curse. This is freedom.
In 2012, I stopped thinking I had to subordinate any and all plans and dreams to the demands of my special powers. This is hope.
In 2012, I stopped thinking that I alone had secret knowledge of what everyone else really meant and thought and how it all worked. This is humility.
In 2012, I started believing I was alone in my own head. This is peace.
In 2012, I started making friends in the real world. This is awesome.
In 2013, I reached out to everyone I was capable of remembering/finding who hadn’t told me never to speak to them again whom I had wronged from Before and apologized and did what I could to make amends according to what they asked. This is integrity.
In 2013, I planned and hosted a fairly large event that went really well because it didn’t rely on anything I Knew or my magic powers and wasn’t disrupted by a supernatural event, it only relied on what I knew and my friends and I could be there the whole time. This is triumph.
In 2013, they found some problems in my meds and I agreed to have them adjusted without believing they were trying to kill or control me. This is trust.
In 2014, I realized I was in over my head on another event and canceled it without feeling like I had to find a way to make it work or else. This is confidence.
In 2014, I agreed to have my work in progress edited and sent back for revision because I didn’t think it was sacred or magic or mystically conveyed to me. This is creative leeway.
In 2014, I am going to do many things because I am just non-magical me and me is still pretty fucking awesome and a lot of the things I thought were capital S Special didn’t need a Dumbo feather after all. This is important.
>I know you've told us about parts of your past and for what you've said and experienced i am so sorry, but what would be your most defining moments? The moments and people that led you to where you are now?
Anonymous
In late July, 1983, I was born. This was super important.
In 1990, I got my first paying job. This was also important.
In 1992, I sent my first spec script to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It was about a little boy they find in the tunnels of the space station who has been hiding out since the Cardassians left and doesn’t realize the war is over who is a super genius and saves the day and they make him part of the crew. Jeri Taylor sent a letter back saying that it wasn’t what they were looking for now but I needed to keep writing because it was excellent for someone my age and they’d thought at first it must have been from someone older. This was tremendously important.
In 1993, I met Clive Cussler, my favorite author at the time, and he signed several of his books to me (Sahara, Dragon, Treasure, and Deep Six) and made me promise I’d sign him a copy when I wrote an adventure story some day. This was important. (I kept my promise and gave him a signed copy of Sluagh nineteen years later. He remembered me.)
In 1997, I discovered Geri Halliwell in a Union Jack micro-mini, Seven of Nine in a silver catsuit, and Kate Winslet in absolutely nothing. This was world changing. I also started getting a paycheck for drawing things.
In 1998, I had sex for the first time. With a 40+ year old woman. This was rape, but I didn’t realize it. This was important.
In 1999, I started living on my own. This was important, but dumb.
In 1999, I started believing I was developing supernatural abilities. This was actually schizophrenia. This was spectacularly important.
In 1999, I tried to kill myself for the first time. I did not succeed. That is very important.
In 2000, I was living apart from my parents completely full time, mostly because of the things the supernatural powers told me about them. This was important and very sad.
From 2000-2007, undiagnosed schizophrenia ate my life and took some really awful bites out of everyone my teeth could reach. I tried to kill myself again in 2001, 2003, and 2005. These were also, importantly, unsuccessful.
In 2007, I got therapy for the first time. It was a disaster because I was sure they were trying to lock me up, but I at least started trying to fake being healthy. This was important.
In 2008, I hit rock bottom again. I was living in my car that was due for repossession. Many things were very bad. I wanted to die again but didn’t give enough shits to try actively. I was trying to die passively. I agreed to help an acquaintance who had a band. I wound up writing DAYD. And then Sluagh, AP, 100+ oneshots, and doing hundreds of pieces of art. The Daydverse saved my life. This is still important.
In 2009, I met Brittany. Important doesn’t cover it.
In 2011, the world lost Brittany. So did I. This will never not be important.
In 2012, I was diagnosed and began treatment. This is all the important.
In 2012, I stopped watching for government vans and making escape plans. This is beautiful.
In 2012, I stopped thinking there was something wrong with my body that was killing me, a brain tumor, heart defect, or magical curse. This is freedom.
In 2012, I stopped thinking I had to subordinate any and all plans and dreams to the demands of my special powers. This is hope.
In 2012, I stopped thinking that I alone had secret knowledge of what everyone else really meant and thought and how it all worked. This is humility.
In 2012, I started believing I was alone in my own head. This is peace.
In 2012, I started making friends in the real world. This is awesome.
In 2013, I reached out to everyone I was capable of remembering/finding who hadn’t told me never to speak to them again whom I had wronged from Before and apologized and did what I could to make amends according to what they asked. This is integrity.
In 2013, I planned and hosted a fairly large event that went really well because it didn’t rely on anything I Knew or my magic powers and wasn’t disrupted by a supernatural event, it only relied on what I knew and my friends and I could be there the whole time. This is triumph.
In 2013, they found some problems in my meds and I agreed to have them adjusted without believing they were trying to kill or control me. This is trust.
In 2014, I realized I was in over my head on another event and canceled it without feeling like I had to find a way to make it work or else. This is confidence.
In 2014, I agreed to have my work in progress edited and sent back for revision because I didn’t think it was sacred or magic or mystically conveyed to me. This is creative leeway.
In 2014, I am going to do many things because I am just non-magical me and me is still pretty fucking awesome and a lot of the things I thought were capital S Special didn’t need a Dumbo feather after all. This is important.
Andy claims to have lost his virginity at 14. Note that this heavily conflicts with his VB journal, in which he states he lost his virginity to a man while in college (and would have been 17 or 18):
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46903361957/how-old-were-you-when-you-lost-your-virginity
>How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Anonymous
Just shy of 15
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/46903361957/how-old-were-you-when-you-lost-your-virginity
>How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Anonymous
Just shy of 15
Andy claims he was sent crime scene photos from Brittany's body
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 09:28 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/47682208338/its-going-to-be-a-little-while-before-i-can-open
It’s going to be a little while before I can open my inbox again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe a few days. I don’t know. I apologize. No, I’m not shutting down Anon or Submit because people like that don’t get to win, nor are they going to get a big hysterical scene or some dramatic chewing out. The only reason I’m saying anything public is because I don’t want people thinking I’m ignoring them.
That “Anon” (it was a blatant burner account) has simply been banned, as well as reported to both Tumblr and the Fairfield Police Department. I put up with a lot of crap, but getting ahold of crime scene photos of my dead friend is crossing a motherfucking line.
It’s going to be a little while before I can open my inbox again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe a few days. I don’t know. I apologize. No, I’m not shutting down Anon or Submit because people like that don’t get to win, nor are they going to get a big hysterical scene or some dramatic chewing out. The only reason I’m saying anything public is because I don’t want people thinking I’m ignoring them.
That “Anon” (it was a blatant burner account) has simply been banned, as well as reported to both Tumblr and the Fairfield Police Department. I put up with a lot of crap, but getting ahold of crime scene photos of my dead friend is crossing a motherfucking line.
Re: Andy claims he was sent crime scene photos from Brittany's body
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 09:29 pm (UTC)(link)*of Brittany's body
Andy claims he met James Doohan at his "last convention" in 1990/fakes text messages from his dad
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)In an interview with Agentsex, Andy claims he met James Doohan at his "last convention" in 1990. Kumquatwriter explains that James Doohan's last convention was in 2004 -- and she should know, because Andy and she attended together.
http://kumquatwriter.tumblr.com/post/92103871738/beam-me-up-scotty
James Doohan made his final convention appearance August 27 - 30th at the Renaissance hotel in Hollywood. I know this, because Andy and I went to that convention. We went on the last day, toward the end - somebody tipped us their wristbands. We missed seeing James Doohan (and Leonard Nimoy, dammit) but we did meet Majel Barrett Roddenberry and Grace Lee Whitney. I actually had a very nice, if brief, chat with Majel, who was a hell of a class act and a damn nice lady. Andy was standing right next to me.
In 2004. The year before James Doohan died.
So there’s that.
Andy immediately begins damage control:
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/92167337702/scotty-doesnt-know
Scotty Doesn’t Know
In a recent interview, as well as at many other times, I have talked about my dad taking me to my first Star Trek convention when I was 6 or 7 (1990) to see James Doohan. He told me at the time that we were doing this because Scotty was special to him and this was going to be his last convention, and I never questioned it. Although I knew Doohan didn’t die until later, I honestly didn’t remember when and regardless of the gap, just assumed that had still been his last convention.
Recently, it was brought to my attention that Mr. Doohan died in 2005 and his last convention was in 2004. I asked my dad, and he said that he had been told by a friend that Doohan was sick and it was his last convention. Considering how he looked in promos for STVI, it seemed plausible, and as he pointed out, this was before the internet and it was a lot harder to verify rumors. So he took me and assumed there were no more cons and was sad when the death news came and didn’t much consider it for the next 24 years.
The con was real, the reason Dad took me was real, he just made a mistake based on a fandom friend’s “tip,” and I repeated it without thinking for almost 25 years. I apologize for any confusion I caused.
Andy sends Agentsex some screenshots from his phone, claiming they show a text-message conversation with his father that explains the slip-up. Agentsex proceeds to hand-wave the matter.
http://agentsex.tumblr.com/post/93330732348/can-i-just-also-say-that-the-internet-did-exist-in
While I’m pretty sure that I could find definitive proof of whether Andy really met James Doohan in 1990, I really do not care at all about the answer. Neither do I care about when Andy’s dad first had Internet access. I don’t understand why so many people are fixated on the most inconsequential details instead of the big picture.
An anon creates a graphic that suggests Andy faked the conversation with iphonetextgenerator.com:
http://notreallyhappeningtoday.tumblr.com/post/93430262970/courtesy-of-fail-fandomanon-nonny-you-know-who
http://kumquatwriter.tumblr.com/post/92103871738/beam-me-up-scotty
James Doohan made his final convention appearance August 27 - 30th at the Renaissance hotel in Hollywood. I know this, because Andy and I went to that convention. We went on the last day, toward the end - somebody tipped us their wristbands. We missed seeing James Doohan (and Leonard Nimoy, dammit) but we did meet Majel Barrett Roddenberry and Grace Lee Whitney. I actually had a very nice, if brief, chat with Majel, who was a hell of a class act and a damn nice lady. Andy was standing right next to me.
In 2004. The year before James Doohan died.
So there’s that.
Andy immediately begins damage control:
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/92167337702/scotty-doesnt-know
Scotty Doesn’t Know
In a recent interview, as well as at many other times, I have talked about my dad taking me to my first Star Trek convention when I was 6 or 7 (1990) to see James Doohan. He told me at the time that we were doing this because Scotty was special to him and this was going to be his last convention, and I never questioned it. Although I knew Doohan didn’t die until later, I honestly didn’t remember when and regardless of the gap, just assumed that had still been his last convention.
Recently, it was brought to my attention that Mr. Doohan died in 2005 and his last convention was in 2004. I asked my dad, and he said that he had been told by a friend that Doohan was sick and it was his last convention. Considering how he looked in promos for STVI, it seemed plausible, and as he pointed out, this was before the internet and it was a lot harder to verify rumors. So he took me and assumed there were no more cons and was sad when the death news came and didn’t much consider it for the next 24 years.
The con was real, the reason Dad took me was real, he just made a mistake based on a fandom friend’s “tip,” and I repeated it without thinking for almost 25 years. I apologize for any confusion I caused.
Andy sends Agentsex some screenshots from his phone, claiming they show a text-message conversation with his father that explains the slip-up. Agentsex proceeds to hand-wave the matter.
http://agentsex.tumblr.com/post/93330732348/can-i-just-also-say-that-the-internet-did-exist-in
While I’m pretty sure that I could find definitive proof of whether Andy really met James Doohan in 1990, I really do not care at all about the answer. Neither do I care about when Andy’s dad first had Internet access. I don’t understand why so many people are fixated on the most inconsequential details instead of the big picture.
An anon creates a graphic that suggests Andy faked the conversation with iphonetextgenerator.com:
http://notreallyhappeningtoday.tumblr.com/post/93430262970/courtesy-of-fail-fandomanon-nonny-you-know-who
Post about how Andy treats "characters" that reads suspiciously like his treatment of real people
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 10:44 pm (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/47798007474/all-over-my-dash-i-see-people-who-are-i-love-these
All over my dash I see people who are I love these characters so much I want to use my creative space to give them safety and happiness and let them wake up in each others arms and make long, slow love and have passionate fucks that leave holes in the drywall and put a hand at the small of the other one’s back with the thumb tucked just inside the belt while they’re grocery shopping in that way that’s almost wedding vows… They’ve made creative spaces with tea and warm blankets and they take the characters who matter to them and thank them and nurture them and find catharsis and hope via the justice and power of the rightness of such an outcome.
And I’m over here with my scalpel and my slides and dyes and the hot flare of my magnifying lenses. You fascinate me. What if you were to be sliced open here? If this was removed? That poked? What if what if what if? How would you react if pushed to this extremity? To that? If you were forced to choose between such and thus? I want to know your every sinew, every nerve, every fiber, I want to understand your essential nature and use you to learn things I can’t about real people because it’s not ok to cause such things to happen to them or to watch them and know them so intimately. I want to tear your beating heart out to see how mine works, and maybe I’ll put you back together, or maybe the lesson will be that I won’t, not really, but it’ll have been worth it anyway.
And then I think that’s why I’m a better content creator than traditional fandom participant.
Also one of the reasons I’m in therapy.
All over my dash I see people who are I love these characters so much I want to use my creative space to give them safety and happiness and let them wake up in each others arms and make long, slow love and have passionate fucks that leave holes in the drywall and put a hand at the small of the other one’s back with the thumb tucked just inside the belt while they’re grocery shopping in that way that’s almost wedding vows… They’ve made creative spaces with tea and warm blankets and they take the characters who matter to them and thank them and nurture them and find catharsis and hope via the justice and power of the rightness of such an outcome.
And I’m over here with my scalpel and my slides and dyes and the hot flare of my magnifying lenses. You fascinate me. What if you were to be sliced open here? If this was removed? That poked? What if what if what if? How would you react if pushed to this extremity? To that? If you were forced to choose between such and thus? I want to know your every sinew, every nerve, every fiber, I want to understand your essential nature and use you to learn things I can’t about real people because it’s not ok to cause such things to happen to them or to watch them and know them so intimately. I want to tear your beating heart out to see how mine works, and maybe I’ll put you back together, or maybe the lesson will be that I won’t, not really, but it’ll have been worth it anyway.
And then I think that’s why I’m a better content creator than traditional fandom participant.
Also one of the reasons I’m in therapy.
Re: Post about how Andy treats "characters" that reads suspiciously like his treatment of real peopl
(Anonymous) 2015-04-19 10:46 pm (UTC)(link)that’s why I’m a better content creator than traditional fandom participant.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Re: Post about how Andy treats "characters" that reads suspiciously like his treatment of real peopl
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-19 23:00 (UTC) - ExpandRe: Post about how Andy treats "characters" that reads suspiciously like his treatment of real peopl
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-19 23:34 (UTC) - ExpandComment left by someone claiming to be Brittany's father on Turimel's LJ
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 05:58 am (UTC)(link)http://turimel.livejournal.com/103145.html?thread=870377#t870377
Brittany's Family's Thanks and Concerns.
Hello to all of you.
I am Brittany Quinn's Dad and your words of encouragement are welcome and very helpful. This is the saddest time of my/our lives but I hope that by working with others we might put a stop to Amy/Andrew's destructive influences once and for all. I have never written on a forum like this before but given the circumstances I decided to find you all and see what we could do. Brittany was an amazing young woman and one you could not forget once you met her. She was unique and stood out in a crowd, she was a light and joy to all who knew her and she is Sorely and Deeply missed by us all.
We knew from the beginning that there was something not right about "Andrew" but could never get Brittany to admit anything. She went downhill, changed and acted very out of character after she met him. We suspected for a long time that "Andrew" was pushing her to sell her things, borrow money and file court actions against her ex to get more money for "Andrew". Andrew was always whispering in her ear when she had a conversation with anyone else while he was there and had a weird control over her. It reminded me of a little demon sitting on her shoulder, influencing her.
Anyway, FYI "Andrew" has moved to Denver, CO and has started another charity fan page using Brittany and her memory to get attention and money for him. He has a facebook page called "It's About Power" and a web site www.itsaboutpower.org. It is supposedly a site to prevent domestic violence raise awareness and as always some money and sponsorships for "Andrew's" continued adventures. The NZ trip is off and the new scam is a hike "in Brittany's memory" along the "Trail of Tears" in the South Eastern U.S.
As you have probably guessed, most everything that "Andrew" has written about Brittany and her family is overly exaggerated figments of his/her imagination. Brittany does have 6 brothers and 2 sisters, and did a great many things as she was home-schooled with her siblings. But most of the rest is extreme exaggerations, fanciful lies and the self-serving imaginations of this sociopath. Our family is coping best we can and working with the other victims families (including the shooter's Dad, who lives at the house where the incident occurred.) to take care of each other and try to establish somewhat normal lives again.
I will post more a little later, but wanted to thank All of you for your encouragement and comments, it is very easy to now look back and "if only" after finding out all we have about Amy/Andrew since the shooting. All the "I told her so's" and "why didn't I's" don't help bring her back, but using all these events to train our other children will. I just want to make sure no one else ever loses one of their children, family members or friends to this evil and sick person again and try to put a stop to "Andrew/Amy" using Brittany's memory and image to promote his/her scams.
Thank You,
Bob
p.s. turimel, I would like to email with you about Amy and possibly sit down and discuss what our options might be to stop her once and for all. I live in Vancouver, WA.
Brittany's Family's Thanks and Concerns.
Hello to all of you.
I am Brittany Quinn's Dad and your words of encouragement are welcome and very helpful. This is the saddest time of my/our lives but I hope that by working with others we might put a stop to Amy/Andrew's destructive influences once and for all. I have never written on a forum like this before but given the circumstances I decided to find you all and see what we could do. Brittany was an amazing young woman and one you could not forget once you met her. She was unique and stood out in a crowd, she was a light and joy to all who knew her and she is Sorely and Deeply missed by us all.
We knew from the beginning that there was something not right about "Andrew" but could never get Brittany to admit anything. She went downhill, changed and acted very out of character after she met him. We suspected for a long time that "Andrew" was pushing her to sell her things, borrow money and file court actions against her ex to get more money for "Andrew". Andrew was always whispering in her ear when she had a conversation with anyone else while he was there and had a weird control over her. It reminded me of a little demon sitting on her shoulder, influencing her.
Anyway, FYI "Andrew" has moved to Denver, CO and has started another charity fan page using Brittany and her memory to get attention and money for him. He has a facebook page called "It's About Power" and a web site www.itsaboutpower.org. It is supposedly a site to prevent domestic violence raise awareness and as always some money and sponsorships for "Andrew's" continued adventures. The NZ trip is off and the new scam is a hike "in Brittany's memory" along the "Trail of Tears" in the South Eastern U.S.
As you have probably guessed, most everything that "Andrew" has written about Brittany and her family is overly exaggerated figments of his/her imagination. Brittany does have 6 brothers and 2 sisters, and did a great many things as she was home-schooled with her siblings. But most of the rest is extreme exaggerations, fanciful lies and the self-serving imaginations of this sociopath. Our family is coping best we can and working with the other victims families (including the shooter's Dad, who lives at the house where the incident occurred.) to take care of each other and try to establish somewhat normal lives again.
I will post more a little later, but wanted to thank All of you for your encouragement and comments, it is very easy to now look back and "if only" after finding out all we have about Amy/Andrew since the shooting. All the "I told her so's" and "why didn't I's" don't help bring her back, but using all these events to train our other children will. I just want to make sure no one else ever loses one of their children, family members or friends to this evil and sick person again and try to put a stop to "Andrew/Amy" using Brittany's memory and image to promote his/her scams.
Thank You,
Bob
p.s. turimel, I would like to email with you about Amy and possibly sit down and discuss what our options might be to stop her once and for all. I live in Vancouver, WA.
Andy admits he abused people for "attention"; remains the victim of an unjust witch-hunt
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 10:21 am (UTC)(link)I should just bold this whole mess. Contains Saint Andy the Eternal Martyr, comparisons to Castiel, demands that the DAYDians he's ignoring not contact him for "their own good" (but his SPN friends are cool because they're "fighting his monsters" and prevented a relapse), claims that Andy hallucinated Neville in his bedroom, claims that Andy got fired because someone told his boss "online lies" about him, and a repeat of the old standby that Brittany recognized Andy's mental illness and unlike all his other relationships, that one contained no Astral Undead Shamans.
Oh, and Andy has a "paranoid streak to his mental illness". You'd think stating that would be redundant, since he claimed to have paranoid schizophrenia. Oddly enough, this doesn't feature in this week's explanation of why he hurt people -- this week, he admits it's because of a "hysterial need for attention and "fucking up".
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/48811356825/my-angel-wings-were-burned-and-restrained
My Angel Wings Were Burned and Restrained
I’m an extrovert. Big time. To the depths of my being. I’m not Rachel Berry or Tinkerbell, I don’t need APPLAUSE to live, but I do need PEOPLE. Human interaction. Even if it’s online, I have to have it…though I’ll start missing touch until I do something stupid and promiscuous if that’s all I get. If I feel truly isolated, I go into such incredibly, incredibly dark places in my head that I’ll actually, physically start shutting down and even hallucinating people to talk to.
But being an extrovert and needing people does not mean that I am immune from being hurt by people, and unfortunately, I also have a paranoid streak to my mental illness.
No, it’s not the kind that attacks other people because I think they’re out to get me. That’s just not in my personality. I’ve hurt people, oh yes, but always doing things that were out of a hysterical need for attention, that I thought were helping them, or just flat-out fucking up. What it does do is attack me instead.
What it DOES do is tell me that someone is talking behind my back, is about to turn on me and say they never meant any of the nice things they ever said and hated me all along, that anyone can and will turn on me in the blink of an eye and without so much as a whisper of warning or giving me a chance to do anything about it. It tells me that there are people who will do anything necessary to make sure I’m alone forever and will never succeed at anything. It tells me people want to hurt me or just don’t care if they do. It tells me that I’m sick or hurt or dying and it doesn’t matter because I can’t get care because I’m not worth it. It tells me that people are going to leave me, that I’ll be alone if I’m not good enough (protip; it never thinks I’m good enough) if I don’t do enough, if I don’t “earn” it by giving enough, creating enough, drawing enough, writing enough, amusing enough, helping enough, saving enough people and hurting myself enough in the process. It puts me through hearing the voices of loved ones saying horrible things about me. It tells me that I’m always about to lose everything and there’s nothing I can do to stop it or save myself, but maybe, maybe, maybe if I just give give give a little more and try try try a little harder, this time ONE person will still be willing to keep me around.
It doesn’t help that all these things have happened to me. More than once. For real. Over and over again, in fact. Even recently. Like, this week for some of them.
It doesn’t help when I’m currently rationing my meds and hunting for work and being denied and rejected and ignored fifty times a day because I lost my job when someone called my boss with an anonymous tipoff of online lies about me.
It doesn’t help that Brittany’s birthday was a month ago and my grandfather died a year ago yesterday and Brittany’s murder is two weeks from now and people have been actively as awful as they possibly can to me about the latter in particular. She’s the most awful loss I’ve ever had in my life. It already feels like someone has turned the saturation down on happiness ever since her light went out of the world.
I’m really, really fighting it. I swear. But my sleep habits are getting erratic, I’m having more physical symptoms, the thoughts are getting more intense, and in the place on the edge of sleep or when I’m very tired, I’ve SWORN I got phone calls or texts or emails from people I love telling me to fuck off or worse. I’ve had panic attacks when a meta has been “late” or I haven’t been able to post “enough” or felt like I can’t get a piece of art “right.” I’ve woken up with my phone in my hand sobbing at a blank screen, or typing on a turned-off computer trying to “answer them.” I’ve felt more and more like I have to fake Perfect ALL THE TIME OR ELSE.
In the past, when the paranoia got bad, I would hole up with one particular person (or a very small circle of people) I loved and believed I could trust and cling to them like an overly affectionate and desperate to please barnacle. This was hugely, hugely toxic every time, the only exceptions being Brittany, and that’s because she was strong enough to hold me at just enough arm’s length to make me stand on my own and MAKE me socialize with others.
I’m not doing that this time…and please, please forgive me, I’m avoiding the people who would be SO easy to go into “Savior barnacle” mode with emotionally, because I know if I get close to them in this state, I’ll limpet (or take their refusal to let me limpet as proof that they don’t actually care about me and as a betrayal and be heartbroken). Tim, Dana, Rebecca, and Alanna in particular, I love you so much, and yes, I am ignoring you, and oh, God, it’s tearing me to pieces and I’m so, so sorry, but I swear it’s for your own good right now and PLEASE don’t try to talk me into doing otherwise until I’m back on full meds AND back FULLY on top of my own head. There are qualities in our friendship way too vulnerable to going Bad Places right now.
I also am not in a place where I can engage with the Daydverse much at all, because I’m so close to tipping on the exact lines between real and not real that I need to engage in ruthless analysis of external things, not the creation of internal ones. I started going into Neville’s headspace to write. Then I heard his voice. Like, out loud. I saw him out of the corner of my eye in those green Auror’s robes. And I know that no matter what your opinions of reality and HP or the multiverse or anything like that, that Yorkshire motherfucker ain’t standing in my room. So yup yup nope. Not now.
And right now, as I’m typing this, I’m shaking so hard and so terrified and nauseated I’ve had to take off most of my clothes, breathe deeply, and lie down. I’m saying no. I’m turning people down. I’m saying I can’t. I’m saying I won’t. I’m saying NO. When people need me and want from me.
And they’re all gonna hate me, gonna leave me, gonna turn on me. I’ll come back and they’ll have all left and the Daydverse will be gone and I’ll have no Daydians and no friends and they’ll have decided they hate me because I’ve let them down. I’ve let them down and broken promises and I’m not there when they need me and want me so they’ll never need me and want me again. They probably already hate me and this was my last chance. If I really love them, I’d do this for them anyway. I’d find a way. I’d make myself. Not to mention now the SPN fans will see this and leave in DROVES. They’ll know you’re a fuckup. You’ll never get a job now. People will find this. They’ll never want you around. No one wants you. You’re not good for anything. You’re useless. Utterly useless. A lazy drain and waste of resources with no money, no job, and no one will have you.
But I’m going to hold the line here. I WILL. I’ve got to. Because it really does matter that much to me, and I’m not going to let my brain take anything else. And I know they really do care and aren’t going anywhere. I’m stronger than this and so are they.
I don’t really believe that. But I have to.
In the mean time, I want to give a huge, huge, huge thank you to the Supernatural family. I have friends here that I can spend time with, talk with for hours, but who are strong enough and self-contained enough and PEERS and LIKE me but don’t NEED me. I’ve never really had this before in such a real way that didn’t have five hundred fucked-up caveats. I don’t have to be afraid of you OR afraid of myself with you, no matter what the Bad Things try to tell me.
It’s no exaggeration to say that if it wasn’t for the interaction and the analytical, exterior-based socialization and support and the love you’ve all shown, I’d either have gone into another toxic relationship or just completely shut down or decided fuck this whole spinning turkeyfarm and exited stage left pursued by my own hallucinatory bear. You’re fighting my monsters without even knowing it, and at least so far, you’re winning. This is abjectly terrifying because it’s vulnerable and it’s admitting to needing and admitting to not being good enough, but you deserved to know.
SPN fans are a family, and this is the family business. You’re killing things and saving someone.
And this time, they say thank you.
Tagged: personal, mental illness, fandom, trigger warning, suicidal thoughts.
Oh, and Andy has a "paranoid streak to his mental illness". You'd think stating that would be redundant, since he claimed to have paranoid schizophrenia. Oddly enough, this doesn't feature in this week's explanation of why he hurt people -- this week, he admits it's because of a "hysterial need for attention and "fucking up".
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/48811356825/my-angel-wings-were-burned-and-restrained
My Angel Wings Were Burned and Restrained
I’m an extrovert. Big time. To the depths of my being. I’m not Rachel Berry or Tinkerbell, I don’t need APPLAUSE to live, but I do need PEOPLE. Human interaction. Even if it’s online, I have to have it…though I’ll start missing touch until I do something stupid and promiscuous if that’s all I get. If I feel truly isolated, I go into such incredibly, incredibly dark places in my head that I’ll actually, physically start shutting down and even hallucinating people to talk to.
But being an extrovert and needing people does not mean that I am immune from being hurt by people, and unfortunately, I also have a paranoid streak to my mental illness.
No, it’s not the kind that attacks other people because I think they’re out to get me. That’s just not in my personality. I’ve hurt people, oh yes, but always doing things that were out of a hysterical need for attention, that I thought were helping them, or just flat-out fucking up. What it does do is attack me instead.
What it DOES do is tell me that someone is talking behind my back, is about to turn on me and say they never meant any of the nice things they ever said and hated me all along, that anyone can and will turn on me in the blink of an eye and without so much as a whisper of warning or giving me a chance to do anything about it. It tells me that there are people who will do anything necessary to make sure I’m alone forever and will never succeed at anything. It tells me people want to hurt me or just don’t care if they do. It tells me that I’m sick or hurt or dying and it doesn’t matter because I can’t get care because I’m not worth it. It tells me that people are going to leave me, that I’ll be alone if I’m not good enough (protip; it never thinks I’m good enough) if I don’t do enough, if I don’t “earn” it by giving enough, creating enough, drawing enough, writing enough, amusing enough, helping enough, saving enough people and hurting myself enough in the process. It puts me through hearing the voices of loved ones saying horrible things about me. It tells me that I’m always about to lose everything and there’s nothing I can do to stop it or save myself, but maybe, maybe, maybe if I just give give give a little more and try try try a little harder, this time ONE person will still be willing to keep me around.
It doesn’t help that all these things have happened to me. More than once. For real. Over and over again, in fact. Even recently. Like, this week for some of them.
It doesn’t help when I’m currently rationing my meds and hunting for work and being denied and rejected and ignored fifty times a day because I lost my job when someone called my boss with an anonymous tipoff of online lies about me.
It doesn’t help that Brittany’s birthday was a month ago and my grandfather died a year ago yesterday and Brittany’s murder is two weeks from now and people have been actively as awful as they possibly can to me about the latter in particular. She’s the most awful loss I’ve ever had in my life. It already feels like someone has turned the saturation down on happiness ever since her light went out of the world.
I’m really, really fighting it. I swear. But my sleep habits are getting erratic, I’m having more physical symptoms, the thoughts are getting more intense, and in the place on the edge of sleep or when I’m very tired, I’ve SWORN I got phone calls or texts or emails from people I love telling me to fuck off or worse. I’ve had panic attacks when a meta has been “late” or I haven’t been able to post “enough” or felt like I can’t get a piece of art “right.” I’ve woken up with my phone in my hand sobbing at a blank screen, or typing on a turned-off computer trying to “answer them.” I’ve felt more and more like I have to fake Perfect ALL THE TIME OR ELSE.
In the past, when the paranoia got bad, I would hole up with one particular person (or a very small circle of people) I loved and believed I could trust and cling to them like an overly affectionate and desperate to please barnacle. This was hugely, hugely toxic every time, the only exceptions being Brittany, and that’s because she was strong enough to hold me at just enough arm’s length to make me stand on my own and MAKE me socialize with others.
I’m not doing that this time…and please, please forgive me, I’m avoiding the people who would be SO easy to go into “Savior barnacle” mode with emotionally, because I know if I get close to them in this state, I’ll limpet (or take their refusal to let me limpet as proof that they don’t actually care about me and as a betrayal and be heartbroken). Tim, Dana, Rebecca, and Alanna in particular, I love you so much, and yes, I am ignoring you, and oh, God, it’s tearing me to pieces and I’m so, so sorry, but I swear it’s for your own good right now and PLEASE don’t try to talk me into doing otherwise until I’m back on full meds AND back FULLY on top of my own head. There are qualities in our friendship way too vulnerable to going Bad Places right now.
I also am not in a place where I can engage with the Daydverse much at all, because I’m so close to tipping on the exact lines between real and not real that I need to engage in ruthless analysis of external things, not the creation of internal ones. I started going into Neville’s headspace to write. Then I heard his voice. Like, out loud. I saw him out of the corner of my eye in those green Auror’s robes. And I know that no matter what your opinions of reality and HP or the multiverse or anything like that, that Yorkshire motherfucker ain’t standing in my room. So yup yup nope. Not now.
And right now, as I’m typing this, I’m shaking so hard and so terrified and nauseated I’ve had to take off most of my clothes, breathe deeply, and lie down. I’m saying no. I’m turning people down. I’m saying I can’t. I’m saying I won’t. I’m saying NO. When people need me and want from me.
And they’re all gonna hate me, gonna leave me, gonna turn on me. I’ll come back and they’ll have all left and the Daydverse will be gone and I’ll have no Daydians and no friends and they’ll have decided they hate me because I’ve let them down. I’ve let them down and broken promises and I’m not there when they need me and want me so they’ll never need me and want me again. They probably already hate me and this was my last chance. If I really love them, I’d do this for them anyway. I’d find a way. I’d make myself. Not to mention now the SPN fans will see this and leave in DROVES. They’ll know you’re a fuckup. You’ll never get a job now. People will find this. They’ll never want you around. No one wants you. You’re not good for anything. You’re useless. Utterly useless. A lazy drain and waste of resources with no money, no job, and no one will have you.
But I’m going to hold the line here. I WILL. I’ve got to. Because it really does matter that much to me, and I’m not going to let my brain take anything else. And I know they really do care and aren’t going anywhere. I’m stronger than this and so are they.
I don’t really believe that. But I have to.
In the mean time, I want to give a huge, huge, huge thank you to the Supernatural family. I have friends here that I can spend time with, talk with for hours, but who are strong enough and self-contained enough and PEERS and LIKE me but don’t NEED me. I’ve never really had this before in such a real way that didn’t have five hundred fucked-up caveats. I don’t have to be afraid of you OR afraid of myself with you, no matter what the Bad Things try to tell me.
It’s no exaggeration to say that if it wasn’t for the interaction and the analytical, exterior-based socialization and support and the love you’ve all shown, I’d either have gone into another toxic relationship or just completely shut down or decided fuck this whole spinning turkeyfarm and exited stage left pursued by my own hallucinatory bear. You’re fighting my monsters without even knowing it, and at least so far, you’re winning. This is abjectly terrifying because it’s vulnerable and it’s admitting to needing and admitting to not being good enough, but you deserved to know.
SPN fans are a family, and this is the family business. You’re killing things and saving someone.
And this time, they say thank you.
Tagged: personal, mental illness, fandom, trigger warning, suicidal thoughts.
Re: Andy admits he abused people for "attention"; remains the victim of an unjust witch-hunt
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:11 pm (UTC)(link)Posted on April 25, 2013.
Andy's mental health is dependent on fandom & Supernatural episodes
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-21 06:25 (UTC) - Expand"Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's FAQ
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:15 pm (UTC)(link)Andy also claims (in the old version) not have had a "full hallucination" since the middle of November in 2012, by my estimation. This contradicts his claim that he both saw and heard Neville Longbottom in his room in April 2013: http://tf-talk.dreamwidth.org/600.html?thread=452440#cmt452440
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/91220644372/faq-about-that-thing-you-heard-about-me
Version as of July 18, 2014:
6. So you’re crazy?
Yep. Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder combined with ADD, PTSD, and situational depression. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled with therapy and medication as I work towards active recovery. So far, I haven’t had a dissociative incident or full hallucination in 20 months and counting (as of July 2014).
Current version:
6. So you’re crazy?
yep. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled as I work towards active recovery.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/91220644372/faq-about-that-thing-you-heard-about-me
Version as of July 18, 2014:
6. So you’re crazy?
Yep. Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder combined with ADD, PTSD, and situational depression. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled with therapy and medication as I work towards active recovery. So far, I haven’t had a dissociative incident or full hallucination in 20 months and counting (as of July 2014).
Current version:
6. So you’re crazy?
yep. Fortunately, I’ve got great family support and a great care team and it’s really well controlled as I work towards active recovery.
Re: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) 2015-04-20 11:21 pm (UTC)(link)Screenshot of the old version:
http://i.imgur.com/fXRdNis.png
http://i.imgur.com/fXRdNis.png
Re: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-20 23:46 (UTC) - ExpandRe: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-20 23:46 (UTC) - ExpandRe: "Severely paranoid delusional schizophrenic spectrum disorder" (and more) disappears from Andy's
(Anonymous) - 2015-04-20 23:54 (UTC) - ExpandAndy claims he rations meds/gave up therapy due to being broke... despite his parents paying for it
(Anonymous) 2015-04-21 06:44 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/49392270474/im-too-far-away-for-the-finale-party-so-i-dont
>I'm too far away for the finale party so I don't want to speak for those that are coming, but if I were close enough I'd certainly be happy to pay towards the dinner/breakfast/snacks there so you can put the extra money you're earning from your folks towards meds. (TOWARDS MEDS, mister, not more help for other people! Adjust your own oxygen mask first, so you can keep helping, right? And you can be modeling good self-care at the same time.)
Anonymous
1. Thank you. You’re a very kind person.
2. My parents aren’t paying me; I’m just kind of “working off” the boost in that week’s food bill.
3. It’s unfortunately more complicated than just doing another commission or two to get my meds back in a good place. That’s why a twenty here or there is better off going to Karen. Just walking through the door of the doctor’s office without insurance is triple digits, and to get my prescriptions re-evaluated and renewed as scheduled…yeah, until job, I’m on no-therapist-and-rationed-meds, which is SUCK. If you’ve noticed my sleeping schedule is fucked as shit and I’m having trouble concentrating on anything longer than a short meta or ask without someone talking to me to keep me occupied, you’re damned right. I got three hours of sleep last night, waking up every ten minutes because I was convinced someone had hacked my blog and posted awful things about me. And yes, I’m using all the free online mental support resources; they’re keeping my head above water. And no, the free clinic options in this area are worth less than nothing and all on waiting lists. This county doesn’t want HEALTHY poors, much less sick ones.
Sometimes I hate America.
More talk of rationing meds here (already posted up the page in the pit):
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/48811356825/my-angel-wings-were-burned-and-restrained
It doesn’t help when I’m currently rationing my meds and hunting for work and being denied and rejected and ignored fifty times a day because I lost my job when someone called my boss with an anonymous tipoff of online lies about me.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/86490759067/do-you-really-have-a-cult-like-that-tumblr-post
I also need to acknowledge and thank my parents, Mike and Cyd, for still loving me, taking me back again and again, forgiving me too many times for too many things, and getting me help (and paying for it until I could get insurance and being understanding of all the disaster that recovery can be)
>I'm too far away for the finale party so I don't want to speak for those that are coming, but if I were close enough I'd certainly be happy to pay towards the dinner/breakfast/snacks there so you can put the extra money you're earning from your folks towards meds. (TOWARDS MEDS, mister, not more help for other people! Adjust your own oxygen mask first, so you can keep helping, right? And you can be modeling good self-care at the same time.)
Anonymous
1. Thank you. You’re a very kind person.
2. My parents aren’t paying me; I’m just kind of “working off” the boost in that week’s food bill.
3. It’s unfortunately more complicated than just doing another commission or two to get my meds back in a good place. That’s why a twenty here or there is better off going to Karen. Just walking through the door of the doctor’s office without insurance is triple digits, and to get my prescriptions re-evaluated and renewed as scheduled…yeah, until job, I’m on no-therapist-and-rationed-meds, which is SUCK. If you’ve noticed my sleeping schedule is fucked as shit and I’m having trouble concentrating on anything longer than a short meta or ask without someone talking to me to keep me occupied, you’re damned right. I got three hours of sleep last night, waking up every ten minutes because I was convinced someone had hacked my blog and posted awful things about me. And yes, I’m using all the free online mental support resources; they’re keeping my head above water. And no, the free clinic options in this area are worth less than nothing and all on waiting lists. This county doesn’t want HEALTHY poors, much less sick ones.
Sometimes I hate America.
More talk of rationing meds here (already posted up the page in the pit):
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/48811356825/my-angel-wings-were-burned-and-restrained
It doesn’t help when I’m currently rationing my meds and hunting for work and being denied and rejected and ignored fifty times a day because I lost my job when someone called my boss with an anonymous tipoff of online lies about me.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/86490759067/do-you-really-have-a-cult-like-that-tumblr-post
I also need to acknowledge and thank my parents, Mike and Cyd, for still loving me, taking me back again and again, forgiving me too many times for too many things, and getting me help (and paying for it until I could get insurance and being understanding of all the disaster that recovery can be)
Andy also claims his parents made treatment a requirement for moving home
(Anonymous) 2015-04-21 07:04 am (UTC)(link)Either Andy's blowup about rationing his meds in 2013 was a farse, or he believes rationing meds & quitting therapy cound as "proper treatment" -- and his parents were willing to allow this to happen, despite making treatment a requirement for moving in with them (and paying for it, see previous post).
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/87937759922/sex-lies-and-mental-illness
I started receiving proper treatment for my mental illness in summer of 2012 when my parents used my return home as leverage, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Yes, I claimed to have been in treatment before. I was briefly in 2007 and briefly in the early spring of 2012, but in both of those cases and in every one that I lied about being in treatment, it was an effort to maintain my two highest priorities in life: to keep “the wrong people” from finding out about my “special abilities” and locking me up for terrible experiments, or to protect my privacy about my gender.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/87937759922/sex-lies-and-mental-illness
I started receiving proper treatment for my mental illness in summer of 2012 when my parents used my return home as leverage, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Yes, I claimed to have been in treatment before. I was briefly in 2007 and briefly in the early spring of 2012, but in both of those cases and in every one that I lied about being in treatment, it was an effort to maintain my two highest priorities in life: to keep “the wrong people” from finding out about my “special abilities” and locking me up for terrible experiments, or to protect my privacy about my gender.
Andy conflates the emotional turmoil he feels over Brittany's murder with watching an SPN episode
(Anonymous) 2015-04-21 07:30 am (UTC)(link)http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/49416837465/i-am-not-going-to-be-ok-next-week-the-second
I am not going to be ok next week. The second part of THAT episode on the 8th? When Brittany was murdered on the 7th?
I’m buying an entire bottle of vodka.
I am not going to be ok next week. The second part of THAT episode on the 8th? When Brittany was murdered on the 7th?
I’m buying an entire bottle of vodka.
Re: Andy conflates the emotional turmoil he feels over Brittany's murder with watching an SPN episod
(Anonymous) 2015-04-21 09:50 am (UTC)(link)Similar, this time it includes the death of a child and someone dying of cancer as well.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/49645758970/o-death-someone-would-pray-could-you-wait-to
'O, death' someone would pray 'Could you wait to call me another day?'
Canon dates for May 2 in my two big fandoms as the Battle of Hogwarts, the Battle of Druim Cett, Sam’s death, Dean’s demon deal, and Dean’s death meaning that death/dying/loss/grief stuff is all over the place right now.
Season 8 of Supernatural coming to a place in the arc where an extremely skilled creative team is making us have a lot of fear and feelings about possibly losing people we love.
My little cousin drowning.
The second anniversary of Brittany’s murder.
And now I have just been informed that one of our friends has lost her battle with cancer.
Retros here in town has really good fried pickles. If I leave some on the doorstep with fresh-baked cookies, would Death just please leave me the fuck alone? This is not ok. I am not ok.
Tagged: and don't you dare attack me for using fandom words to talk about it, sometimes the most valuable thing about a fandom is it lets you have a common language, where you can talk about intimate and ineluctable things with strangers, receiving their support and knowing they'll understand you, while still maintaining your privacy and the things that can't be expressed much less in public.
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/49645758970/o-death-someone-would-pray-could-you-wait-to
'O, death' someone would pray 'Could you wait to call me another day?'
Canon dates for May 2 in my two big fandoms as the Battle of Hogwarts, the Battle of Druim Cett, Sam’s death, Dean’s demon deal, and Dean’s death meaning that death/dying/loss/grief stuff is all over the place right now.
Season 8 of Supernatural coming to a place in the arc where an extremely skilled creative team is making us have a lot of fear and feelings about possibly losing people we love.
My little cousin drowning.
The second anniversary of Brittany’s murder.
And now I have just been informed that one of our friends has lost her battle with cancer.
Retros here in town has really good fried pickles. If I leave some on the doorstep with fresh-baked cookies, would Death just please leave me the fuck alone? This is not ok. I am not ok.
Tagged: and don't you dare attack me for using fandom words to talk about it, sometimes the most valuable thing about a fandom is it lets you have a common language, where you can talk about intimate and ineluctable things with strangers, receiving their support and knowing they'll understand you, while still maintaining your privacy and the things that can't be expressed much less in public.
Andy the Enlightened White Man criticizes SPN bloggers for faking love for "darkies"
(Anonymous) 2015-04-22 09:51 pm (UTC)(link)Andy responds to a WOC who politely criticizes a post of his shaming SPN bloggers for not focusing more on characters of color. Andy explains that he's actually criticizing white fans who aren't as enlightened as he, whom he claims are faking their love for "darkies":
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/50414766396/feministsupernatural-andythanfiction-i-see-a
I can only speak for me, but the reason I don’t RP about Rufus or Cassie or, hell, really anyone but Kevin, (I say RP instead of write fics because I can’t currently write fics longer than a drabble) is because rarely will someone play them with me, and /never/ will I be given feedback or notes.
When I post about the lack of POC in SPN they get far less notes than those about gender or sexuality.
Also, the show may have an occasional good story line about POC, but honestly, other than Kevin, it’s very rare that it isn’t stereotypical. Also, there’s less than 10% non-white characters. That’s not main characters, that’s ALL SPEAKING Characters. And almost all of them are evil.
Also, you’re making the assumption that those who talk about these issues are white. Can I honestly ask how you know? I’m a white-passing POC, but I’m still a POC, for example. Were my sidebar image of me up, most people would assume I am white, but I’m not.
I honestly think this is one of numerous cases where white fans should shut up and listen to what POC say. Like, inheritedloss is a WOC and she’s made posts about racism in SPN. Check her out. She’s pretty nifty.
I’m not making the assumption that those who talk about these issues are white. I am calling out a SPECIFIC kind of blogger that I see a LOT; White social justice type fans who make long, aggrieved, self-righteous posts about the racism on the show and how they shall flog themselves with a wet vermicelli noodle and martyr upon the altar of PoC representation.for alas and alack they doth demand more PoC and swear they would love them forever and always for they do so adore the little darkies…and then are exactly the fucking reason that you can’t find anyone to RP PoC, who don’t give feedback or notes, and who completely ignore the PoC already on the show.
Which is not saying at all that there are “enough” PoC on the show or that TPTB shouldn’t include more good PoC even if the mainstream fandom IS ignoring the ones they have. It’s calling out the hypocrisy of those who soapbox that they are being a particular part of the solution while ignoring being part of the problem.
(Note: At this point, Andy has posted a creepy personal apology to Osric for his racist attitude against his character, Kevin, but has done precious little SPN meta on anything but Destiel, Dean, Cas, or storycraft.)
http://andythanfiction.tumblr.com/post/50414766396/feministsupernatural-andythanfiction-i-see-a
I can only speak for me, but the reason I don’t RP about Rufus or Cassie or, hell, really anyone but Kevin, (I say RP instead of write fics because I can’t currently write fics longer than a drabble) is because rarely will someone play them with me, and /never/ will I be given feedback or notes.
When I post about the lack of POC in SPN they get far less notes than those about gender or sexuality.
Also, the show may have an occasional good story line about POC, but honestly, other than Kevin, it’s very rare that it isn’t stereotypical. Also, there’s less than 10% non-white characters. That’s not main characters, that’s ALL SPEAKING Characters. And almost all of them are evil.
Also, you’re making the assumption that those who talk about these issues are white. Can I honestly ask how you know? I’m a white-passing POC, but I’m still a POC, for example. Were my sidebar image of me up, most people would assume I am white, but I’m not.
I honestly think this is one of numerous cases where white fans should shut up and listen to what POC say. Like, inheritedloss is a WOC and she’s made posts about racism in SPN. Check her out. She’s pretty nifty.
I’m not making the assumption that those who talk about these issues are white. I am calling out a SPECIFIC kind of blogger that I see a LOT; White social justice type fans who make long, aggrieved, self-righteous posts about the racism on the show and how they shall flog themselves with a wet vermicelli noodle and martyr upon the altar of PoC representation.for alas and alack they doth demand more PoC and swear they would love them forever and always for they do so adore the little darkies…and then are exactly the fucking reason that you can’t find anyone to RP PoC, who don’t give feedback or notes, and who completely ignore the PoC already on the show.
Which is not saying at all that there are “enough” PoC on the show or that TPTB shouldn’t include more good PoC even if the mainstream fandom IS ignoring the ones they have. It’s calling out the hypocrisy of those who soapbox that they are being a particular part of the solution while ignoring being part of the problem.
(Note: At this point, Andy has posted a creepy personal apology to Osric for his racist attitude against his character, Kevin, but has done precious little SPN meta on anything but Destiel, Dean, Cas, or storycraft.)
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